HEy - I need help fast. I have been banished to the couch for the last week. My husband's daughter (20 yrold) is anorexic/bulemic 5'6" 75lbs at most. She is basically dieing. Well, we have been married for 3 1/2 years now. And the daughter has been a heck of a ride so far. She has done sooo manythings, jail, drugs, preg., sex, nad the list goes on. So now she is "sick" as my H says. I konw that but... I think discipline and respect for others privacy and property is to still be expected of someone that age. She is supposed to be working for her dad at his business - most of the time she is too sick to go in... so she comes to our (where I live) house and hangs out all day, eats the food, comes into my bedroom and watches tv and surfs the net. then right before I get home - she leaves. Her father pays for her apartment - yes she is supposed to live on her own. He takes care of all her utilities etc.. and she just IS.
So - When I said something about it the other day - He told me that if something happened to her - he could not live with me anymore - he resents me and my negative and hateful attitude.
I am about to leave I suppose. I don't konw - but right now - I just called him to ask if we could talk somewhere. I said I wanted to go somewhere in public because I hate when the yelling starts and I dont' want that.
PLEASE RESPOND. with anything.

Have you tried to express for concern of the daughter rather than hatred. To both H and her. Perhaps if you work with your H, the 2 of you can help his daughter.

this has been going on for years. I was so compassinate at first. I loved, I hugged, I cried, and I pleaded with my step daughter. We got along fairly well. This has just be dragging on and on forever it seems. The sickness I can handle. It is the disrespect I can not. When she lived here - she would throw up in cups and bowls and leave it in the bathroom, living rooms, and kitchen. She had a drawer where she stashed half eaten food. She would throw up in all the sinks and the toilets in the house and never wash it down. It just became unbearable. Then she began to rage - she shattered french doors, windows, all of this together with just doing nothing to help. She agreed to help. Hospital IV - she ran away after 4 nights. Was draining the TPN into cups under bed. Next hosp. stay - lasted 1 night - dad fell asleep in room, she stole car. We tracked her down 3 days later on the East Coast. $13K for a resort eating disorder help place out west - - she runs away after 1 week. Family & childrens services called on us - she looks terrible - we are sited for neglect. When we were doing all we could. I gave up a long time ago. I am tired. I can not continue to enable someone to remain "sick". It is a long battle and I feel I must walk away. I love my husband with all my heart and soul. I truly do not want to leave him. But when he calls me sideways sally and says "I hate your sour face" and that he can't live with me if anything happens to her, that he resents me due to my lack of compassion. I don't have anywhere or anything else to do - but to let him be and deal with her in his own way. I am sorry because I love him - - I just resent her because she is riding this to the hilt. I think - - If you are well enough to go to the mall once a week and buy abercrombie and all taht stuff - - (on our money) then you are well enough to work and do other things. I am hurting. Everyone is hurting.

this has been going on for years. I was so compassinate at first. I loved, I hugged, I cried, and I pleaded with my step daughter. We got along fairly well. This has just be dragging on and on forever it seems. The sickness I can handle. It is the disrespect I can not. When she lived here - she would throw up in cups and bowls and leave it in the bathroom, living rooms, and kitchen. She had a drawer where she stashed half eaten food. She would throw up in all the sinks and the toilets in the house and never wash it down. It just became unbearable. Then she began to rage - she shattered french doors, windows, all of this together with just doing nothing to help. She agreed to help. Hospital IV - she ran away after 4 nights. Was draining the TPN into cups under bed. Next hosp. stay - lasted 1 night - dad fell asleep in room, she stole car. We tracked her down 3 days later on the East Coast. $13K for a resort eating disorder help place out west - - she runs away after 1 week. Family & childrens services called on us - she looks terrible - we are sited for neglect. When we were doing all we could. I gave up a long time ago. I am tired. I can not continue to enable someone to remain "sick". It is a long battle and I feel I must walk away. I love my husband with all my heart and soul. I truly do not want to leave him. But when he calls me sideways sally and says "I hate your sour face" and that he can't live with me if anything happens to her, that he resents me due to my lack of compassion. I don't have anywhere or anything else to do - but to let him be and deal with her in his own way. I am sorry because I love him - - I just resent her because she is riding this to the hilt. I think - - If you are well enough to go to the mall once a week and buy abercrombie and all taht stuff - - (on our money) then you are well enough to work and do other things. I am hurting. Everyone is hurting.

Well, I think your husband may be taking his frustrations out on you. He may think twice if you were to leave him stuck dealing with that issue all on his own. He may need time to think, if it wasn't for you perservering and endurding this ordeal with him he may not have been able to deal successfully with it this long. It's not your fault she is destroying her life. So dont blame yourself for something you didnt create. All you have tried to do is help and deal with her unacceptable behavior, she is not handicapped. She wants someone to feel sorry for her as a cruch. What more can you do? Where is her mother? Does or Has your husband ever apologized for blaming you for this situation and thanked you for sticking it out with him? Why should you feel guilty for trying? I really sympathize with what you are going through. Should anything happens to her it won't be your fault and it wont be his either.

Thank you for your words, D. I truly appreicate them. My step daughter's mother died in 2000 from Lukeimia. It was a long hard battle for her and for my SD. When her mother was sick that is when she began to get into sex, drugs, really abusive behavior. We married 6 months after her Mom died. It was not until about 1 yr into the marriage that the bulimia and anorexia began. My own daughter from first marriage moved away to live on campus at her university jsut to get away from Stepsis. I have made an appt. for H and me to see a counselor next week. I left him a message on his cell to see if he would be available. I just wish it could be different. She really had - could have - so much going for her. I often wonder if I should just confront her on the turmoil her sickness and dependence on her father are causing. I really don't want to push her off the deeper end. Either way it's a loss.

As uncomfortable as it may be, I really think it's time for a heart to heart talk with your SD. First of all she feels like you stole her father away from her. She feels that after you and her dad got married that he no longer loved her and had time for her. She's angry. Not to mention after her mom passing away she felt her world crumbled. She feels alone and desperate but her desperation is misguided and she feels like she is in a no win situation. She lost her mom to Lukemia and her Dad to another women. She's still dealing with the tagic loss of her mom. She doesn't know how to deal with the frustration. She was only what 17 when her mom passed. She is in turmoil and feels that she has no control over her life. Speak very gently and softly to her and let her know that you will never be able to take the place of her mother and that you love and care about her as a friend and as a SD. I know you want what's best for her. Ask her how would she feel if you left? Your husband blames you if you leave and then tortures you verbally and emotionally if you stay. Counceling should open the door for some honest upbuilding communication between the both of you. Your human with feelings not a punching bag. Have you tried putting a schedule together. On one weekend you and your SD spend time together, dinner, movies, roller skating, things young people like to do. Then the next week, Her father and her do something together, swimming, jogging, working out, biking. Then on the 3rd weekend do something as a family. She needs alot of attention.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I often wonder if I should just confront her on the turmoil her sickness and dependence on her father are causing.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is something that must be brought up in the pressence of your H with the MC. But leave out the Confronting her part. Perhaps this will open your H's eyes to what this is all doing to you.
No matter what, you should be at that appointment with or without him. Let him know how important it is to you.

One thing that you must remember, she does have a sickness. I would leave the "Pushing her over the edge" part to a professional.

I appreciate everyone’s words of encouragement. H and I are not talking much. This morning I ask him why he did not seem to care anymore. I ask if he was just tired and he said yes. He said he has no more feeling for me. He says I pushed him away for the last time. I ask – how did I push you away. He says just with the way I act and react to everything – that I am more of a hindrance to him than a help. He says he is tired of the way I act, and my side ways, sour face. The only thing I really wish he would see is that I have put up with and dealt with a lot of crazy things during our marriage. I feel like I am overloaded at this point. My own mother just passed away, my father, 3 states away wants to move close to me. I work all the time because work is the only place I can have calmness. I am beginning to hate the SD. He says he resents me due to my lack of compassion toward her. I told him this morning that it is really hard living under the same roof and sleeping in separate rooms and pretty much ignoring each other. He said “we can’t afford for you to move”. What is that supposed to mean? Of course according to him I only contribute enough money to pay the credit card bill. He says we’ll talk this weekend. We’ll see. On the SD issue - - I could deal with the illness of anorexia / bulimia and all - - but I can not deal with disrespect and laziness and uncaring about herself or others around her. House rules are house rules. When 2 people marry – the children of each should understand that situations have changed. Where before you may have been perfectly free to waltz into your dad’s room unannounced and hang out all day on his computer or TV - - this changes when your dad has a “roommate” aka wife. I am a very private person and I have had to bite my tongue due to SD inability to understand her limits. Not that those limits are readily pointed out to her. That is, I believe, the root of this whole issue. All I want is a husband that is on my side too. Someone that values the privacy of “our” room and “our” life. I don’t know what else to say.

What are your H's house rules? Did SD come into the bedroom before you were married to H?

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Sideways Sally:
[QB] He said “we can’t afford for you to move”.

Sound like your there for their financial conveience.

Hi SS!,

I had lost your post and was thinking about your situation all week. I'm so glad your still hanging in there despite the pain and frustration your going through. It saddens me that your husband claims he has lost his feelings for you and that basically the only reason why he hasnt asked you to leave is for financial reasons. Not too many people would put up with this SS. Your H could easily mislead someone into thinking you the "bad guy" here but if they were to walk a mile in your shoes, they kick'em off and start running. I know you love you husband but it seems like your in a competition with your SD. No doubt you may feel they are both against you. I'm not encouraging you to leave your H but maybe out of love for your H and SD and your sanity, give them sometime to be alone. This will give you the opportunity to breath a bit and decide if you want to contiue to live in this situation. When a husband and Wife marry no one should come between that bond. His SD has put a wedge bewteen you two. You have got to give yourself some options. No one is suggesting sepation or divorce, just some time away to think in a peaceful enviornment. I know you would just dread leaving but it would only be temporary. Can you afford a small studio for like a month? Your H could then come and visit you and you could kindly remind him that your doing this for him. Especially seeing that he has started to fall out of love with you. You can let him know that you will be there for him and if he needs you, he knows where to find you. Let him deal with this on his own seeing that you more of a hinderance tan a help. In time he will quickly wake up to the realization that YOU were not part of the problem but the part of the solution. You have to separate your SD sickness and the emotions that come with it versus reality. Yes, she is ill but should that excuse her behavior is it all realted to her illness? I think your H is feeding off of emotions rather than reality and may not be alble or strong enough to face this. Right now he's not thinking about how his marriage is suffering. He's thinking about his daughter and that's it. Removing yourself from the situation just for a little while is just an option. I can sense that things are getting heated. Have you been to MC yet?

We have an appointment on Tuesday with MC. We talked a little this weekend. He even went with me to look at a couple of houses I was/am looking at to rent/buy when/if I move out. We talked about putting new locks on the house. He is actually in agreement with that. That is not the biggest issue - the SD hanging out in the house all the time. But it is a BIG part of it. You are right - - he is not thinking about the toll all of the emotional junk is taking on our marriage - he is totally absorbed in his daughter living or dying. She truly is on the verge. It is so sad. I understand taht and perhaps you are right - a month or two apart would be perfect breathing time...for everyone.

I hate to post again - so early in the day. BUt it is falling apart again. Not as if it ever was built back together. But this past weekend - H and I made love a lot and drove around site seeing and even hiked a bit. It was a good weekend. We talked, he said he wanted to put new locks on the doors so taht his daughter would not come and hang out all the time. He said he loved me and wanted to work things out. He says I am like Jekel and Hyde. So I am trying really hard to maintain a consistant attitude and behaviour. This riffle between us has been brewing for a long time. I had posted early on asking about viagra and whether or not I should be leary about H's use of it. Basically H is an addict and is in AA. He has been clean for about 6 months or so now - or so he says. Not that I don't believe him - but. Before he had been buying narcs on the internet and living a secret life. keeping all the stuff at his workplace. Telling me he had to go "lock the gate" or something - when it was only to get into the secret stash. So - when he finally broke down - we spent the night at the emergency room - he was out of goods and deep into withdrawal. He went into rehab for a couple of weeks and is back on the road to recovery iwth much help from aa meetings etc...
The viagra thing started when I started seeing old drug behaviour coming back - - I snooped - I looked in his backpack and found a bottle of asprin iwth some blue pills - they were off brand viagra. there were 6 the next day there were 4 - and so on. We had not been having sex. So I confronted him. What are they - he said - Vitamins. And so the argument was on. As we argued the description of them changed from vitamins to something he needs to keep the blood flow regular... etc.. Then he says - he is old (47) and sometimes in the afternoon at work he "wanes". I let it go at that. So then a week later I snooped again and found 6 packs of the stuff. 2 to a pack. I asked why do you need to take them with you all the time. It should be something you keep at home for us. He blew up. So back to today - or last night. Like I said this weekend was wonderful - So last night as we were in bed together I said, You know we made love all weekend, did you have to take anything? He said no - I asked if he had any more of those pills and he got angry and said no. Then he jumps up out of bed and the fight was on again. He yelled and screamed that he hated me. It was bad all over again. I kept saying - look at yourself - you get so upset over nothing. It was really bad. So I was back on the couch again. And to top it all off - we always get up and even when we are angry at the other or have fought - we always make a cup of coffee for the other and at least set it near by them somewhere in the mornings. He left this morning - - no cup of coffee for me. What a slap. But that's okay. It will be very interesting to see if I show up and see the MC alone today.

Sounds like he is not being honest with you.

The blue pills puzzle me. Are they viagra or not? If they are Viagra (or off-brand) does that mean he is cheating on you? On the other hand, if they are not Viagra but some other sort of drug, then does that mean he's fallen off the wagon?

*hug* Either way, it stinks!!! STINKS!!!

How did the MC go...did he show up?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> So last night as we were in bed together I said, You know we made love all weekend, did you have to take anything? He said no - I asked if he had any more of those pills and he got angry and said no </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would see this as a major LB. True he may have over reacted but.....

1 It sounds like your questioning his ability to perform as a man without help..

2 Asking if he had more, you make it sound like he wasn't good enough without the help of the pills and wasn't able to satisfy you.

Thats my male perspective on this. Questioning a mans ability to perform in bed, wether it is true or not, is a major blow.

Thanks for the input from both of you. It is good to hear a man's side of things. We did go to the counselor that Tuesday. It went well. The first 15 minutes with one of the counselors was all about how his daugther is/was doing and what a terrible disease she has. Then it was more about us communicating and the fact that he is in recovery and I have used before.
So - about the blue pills. Yes they were off-brand male enhancement things you can buy at the health store. I forgot the name of them. Anyway - I don't know if he is seeing someone else or not. I do know he is an addict. Regardless if he is working the program or not. So anything he can pop in his mouth and still tell himself it is not a mind altering drug, therefore he is okay... he will. About me screwing up the afterglow.. I knew it was bad timing the minute it slipped through my lips. My point was "you don't NEED to take anything". Perhaps it was taken wrong - Perhaps I should have kept my mouth shut! Anyway - so after the weekend we were okay for a while. Then I had "that sour puss look" on my face one afternoon and it was on again. I tend to shut down when this starts. There is no talking to him. He yells, slams, and so on. I did say "you need a stepford wife" and he said no - but I don't need you BIT_H! So Thursday was the 2nd counselor visit. He had left the house that morning at 5 am, and we had not spoken at all. I went to the appointment and he actually showed up. It was pretty non productive - he has already made his mind up. He is through. I have some more questions I need to run by someone about the financial part of spliting. He says if I give him 100k I can stay in the house. This site helps me out a lot. I live up here away from all family and I really dont' have any friends - just co-workers and Lord knows - - you can't be friends with co-workers!!!
Thanks. SS

I have no advice to give only (((hugs))) and my promise to pray for you.