Hi everyone

i wonder if any of you could help? My partner and I are both 20, engaged to be married in july. we have been together for 3 and a half years and have known each other for 10. I am halfway through a degree and he is an assisstant bar manager, a job he enjoys and which is going really well.

the problem is, 2 years ago he was applying to be an officer in the army, for which they advised him to delay for 2 years to gain some life experience. now he has recieved a letter from his major asking if he would like to continue the application process. he has always recieved extremely positive feedback from whoever has interviewed him in the past, and it used to be his dream job.

now he is confused, and so am i. if he were to do this it would mean he would have to go away for a year, about 200 miles away from our home and we would only see each other every other weekend. after this, we would have a good life, with good money, and i would be able to follow him to most places. we have talked about it and he is not sure if he still wants to do it, if he still feels the same as he did 2 years ago. i cant bear the thought of us being apart for that long. last year i lived about 40 miles away at university, but was only away a total of 24 weeks of the year, and we saw each other a lot. now i live with him full time and commute to university. we decided that he would wait til i finished my degree anyway, which is only another 18 months.

im worried that he might choose not to do it purely because of me and then resent me for it later in life. im also worried that the separation may damage our new marriage!

id appreciate your views

*bump*

When you are in your young twenties, that is the time in life when it is easiest too make the sacrifices that contribute to securing a stable, productive future. The older you become and the more responsibilities you take on the more difficult it becomes to concentrate on advancing yourself career wise.

You both are incredibly young to be getting married. What is the big hurry? You have another 18 months to finish your degree. He on the other hand has an opportunity to gain many benefits that would benefit the future for you both from joining the military. You say you can't stand to be away fron him for a year, only seeing him on the weekends. Why not? Isn't the sacrifice worth the benefits? As a couple contemplating marriage you cannot afford to be short sighted, you have the rest of your lives in front of you. You have to be able to see beyond what you want right at this moment and look to what would be the best for you both as a couple and a family. A year goes by sooo very quickly. He would be finished and you'd be able to join him in a year and you still have 18 months to finish your degree anyway. Have you considered postponing the wedding while the two of you get your ducks in a row?

You have the rest of your lives to spend together. Doing things in haste is never wise. A year is not a long period of time. If you were my daughter I'd advise you to postpone the wedding, finish your degree, and have him go off to secure all the benefits the military can bring to your futures. If you are a strong, stable, healthy couple, postponing the wedding for a year while you both strive to gain much will strengthen your relationship in the long term. I would advise against getting married and then separating while he does the military thing. I think that would cause more problems than waiting a few more months to get married. All the best to you!

Thank you very much for taking the time to offer me your advice. I really appreciate it.

I see what you're saying, but although our relationship is strong and healthy (hence our decision to marry), i would feel that postponing our wedding and separating would cause us unnecessary sadness and would maybe even risk our relationship.

I also know what his response to that would be. Although our wedding is going to be very inexpensive anyway, just before christmas we were very short of money and i asked him how he would feel about postponing the wedding. His reply was that he was marrying me in july no matter what, and it didnt matter if we didnt have a party, because he loved me and he didnt want to wait.

I want what is best for him, but also what is best for me and our future family.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ), i would feel that postponing our wedding and separating would cause us unnecessary sadness and would maybe even risk our relationship </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm curious why you feel a separation done to further your chances of future success in life as a couple would cause either one of you sadness? Wouldn't it cause you joy and pride to know you were both concentrated on giving yourselves all of the advantages possible before you marry? Why do you feel a separation of one year would "risk" your relationship? You admitted it was strong and healthy. A strong and healthy relationship can withstand mutual sacrifices done to build a solid foundation for the future.

I spoke to him last night and mentioned your suggestion. As I predicted, there is no way he is willing to postpone the wedding and separate.

I think that life is far too short to hold off doing things just in case they dont work out, and I believe that when Im older Im far more likely to regret the things I didnt do rather than the things I did. I dont think I would ever regret marrying him, whatever the outcome.

Dont you think, if we were to be apart for that year, that the bond of marriage would mean we were both more comfortable with being apart?

Hi ks2001,
I saw your post in baby star's thread and was interested in your situation. I looked up your past posts and found this thread.
I've been trying to think of a good way to talk further about your complaint regarding your age. You seem frustrated because people latch on to that detail so quickly. The reality is that 99% percent of the people in these forums are over 20 years old. I'd bet over 90% are over 25 years old. Which means that we know from personal experience that there is a lot of individual growth that happens during your 20's. I've found that that is the age when people change most in terms of personality and long term needs and desires. So, the reason people think you both are too young to get married is because it is an undeniable truth that you both will change a lot in the next 5-10 years. Hopefully, you will grow together and your relationship will grow stronger. But, too many people find that they aren't so lucky. Their values change. Their expectations change. Their needs change. And suddenly, they don't have that compatibility factor that held them together through thick and thin. Love's not enough because that comes and goes (and sadly takes A LOT of work for everyone at some point). There's no way to no for sure if you two will be compatible in the long run because there's a pretty high chance you will grow, change, and mature in such a way that you become very different people.

You are posting in a forum that gets little traffic. If you posted the same thing in the EN forum, you'd get a lot more responses AND the majority of them would still say you are too young to really know if this marriage has even a chance. And with divorce rates being over 50%...you need more than a chance...you need darn near a miracle. At the very least, you need to do the things that build a healthy marriage from the start. The concepts in this web site can help you do that, but I hope you won't be so quick to judge the people trying to help you (re: your comment about "no-hopers")...you keep doing that and the people here won't waste their time trying to help you.

So, why are all of these people saying you are too young while all of your friends and family are supportive of your decision? Basically, we have nothing to lose by being honest and straight-forward. We don't have to worry about losing your friendship. We don't have to worry about you getting angry and holding a grudge. We don't have to worry about your reaction and whether you won't invite us to the wedding. Or maybe your friends and family haven't done nearly the research into marriage that the people here have done. Most of us have invested an incredible amount of time learning about what it takes to make a marriage last.
Basically, all the people here care about are fixing their own relationships and helping others. You can take it or leave it. But, you leave it at your own risk.
You said that the reason you think your family is supportive is because they know you and how wonderful your relationship is. Statistics don't know the individuals. How many of those over 50% of failed marriages do you think started as a disaster? How many do you think started with love and hope?
The reason I am here (getting married in August) is because I know I am not invincible. I know that from now until the day I die, I face the same realities as all the people who married and divorced. I know that if I don't put 110% into my marriage, it could end in divorce. I know that even if I do put 110% 24/7, it could still end in divorce. So I come here and ask questions. I was defensive at first because I felt like people were attacking me, but they were just being honest. They had nothing to lose...but, I did. I do. These people in these forum want more than anything to get their beautiful marriage back to a state of happiness...the happiness they once had and never in a million years thought would escape them. They fight every day to make ends meet in their marriage. You are not invincible, either. So, don't get upset when someone tells you something you don't want to hear. Listen. Ask honest questions. Be open-minded. Be smart. Don't get married because of love. Love WILL waver and you'll need skills and knowledge to hold things together. Learn those things now. Read every relevant article on this web site. Take every questionnaire with your fiance...be 1,000,000% honest on those questionnaires. If items on the questionnaire don't apply to you, yet, do what we did and answer based on your expectations for the future.
I've just given up 30 minutes of my relaxation time. Please appreciate that I only am trying to help. I don't know how to communicate these things without turning you away...but, I've tried.
I'm pretty sure you won't change your mind and wait until you are older to marry, so at least do what you can to increase your odds for success. Do EVERYTHING you can...do it BEFORE you get married and don't expect any of the problems you've face to go away just because a piece of paper declares you man and wife. Your fiance will be tempted by beautiful women. He may still go away for work and leave you alone with your children. You've got some very big issues to iron out...don't just sweep them under the rug. They WILL come back in some shape or form. Address them NOW!
My advice now? Start a thread in EN. State firmly that you will be getting married in July and you want to know everything you can do to increase your odds for success. You'll still have people telling you to wait (because you really should if you want to increase your odds for success). But, since your mind is made up, reiterate that you will be getting married in July and want to know what you can do given that unbending piece of information.
I wish you the best.
Smile

Smile - that was excellent advice and the more I read your posts the more I appreciate your candid and well thought out comments. I still don't advocate shacking up before M, but I respect your insights.

Sure you won't be open to becoming a Christian? You would make a good one! I'm praying for you and you can't stop me! Nah - nah - nah - nah - nah - nah - nah!

Thanks, HPK...I really appreciate that. I'm in that difficult situation of being a hypocrite because I live with my fiance, but don't advocate it. My little brother is about to move in with his girlfriend (lived with his previous gf for 2 years), and I am having a really difficult time getting him to respect my words and what I've learned here. 5x's best man just announced he's moving in with his gf (I didn't even know he had one! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> ) and when he expected a congratulations, I just sighed and bit my tongue (I was driving and 5x put his cell phone under my ear...not the time to "lecture" someone).
It's the thing to do these days...it's the logical next step in a relationship. But the logic we are all going off of is uneducated. It's dangerous. It's risky. Yes, there is a lot knowledge to be gained from living with someone, but the facts are inescapable...the trends are near damning. I hope ks2001 will at the very least read and discuss those facts before encouraging anyone else to do what she and her fiance have done. Preferably, she'd wait about 20 years and reflect back on the success (or failure) of her premarital cohabitation. Hopefully, she'll succeed and realize that the success is rare and let her own children know the best way to approach this topic. Hopefully, she (and I) won't become another sad statistic. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
That sure is a lot of hoping...especially for a "no-hoper". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

As for Christianity? Thanks for the warm thoughts. But, don't you think in the grand scheme of things I make a pretty decent non-Christian? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Take care,
Smile

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that life is far too short to hold off doing things just in case they dont work out, and I believe that when Im older Im far more likely to regret the things I didnt do rather than the things I did. I dont think I would ever regret marrying him, whatever the outcome. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm wondering what in my post gave you the impression that I was saying not to marry him? I don't think I said that at all. I simply advised waiting and preparing and building to ensure solidity. Smile is so right, even if the statistics for marital failure after living together don't end up applying to you, you've got to avoid another hit with the over 50% failure of all marriages. I know plenty of divorced people that started out sure they'd never divorce. You say you feel that when older, you'll regret the things you didn't do. Exactly! Like slow down long enough to do everything possible to put the odds of marital success in your corner!

You cannot fathom how much you and your fiance, no matter how wonderful a man he may be now, will grow and change and mature in the next 15 years. That's inevitable.

Smile is right about another thing. I have nothing vested in you dear, therefore nothing hinders me from being radically honest. So, in all that honesty, I wish you all the best, for what reason would I have to do otherwise?!

What I actually meant when i used the term 'no-hopers' was in reference to going off and dating other people, as in some of the other men my age. I didnt direct it at anyone on this forum.

I dont believe we are invincible as a couple, and I do know there is a high chance of divorce in general. I dont believe we have no chance of getting divorced and that is the reason I am here, to learn all I can and to build up our relationship so hopefully we will be able to deal with any problems sucessfully.

What I would like, although I appreciate everyone's honesty and advice very much, is for people to respect our being adults and offer me advice without being clouded by judgement because of our age. Throwing statistics around does not help anyones situation.

I work part time in a place where I see many wedding receptions, about 50 a year. When I look at the majority of couples on their wedding day, they dont seem happy to be marrying each other, whereas my fiance and i most definitely are. In light of what I see, 50% seems like pretty good odds to me.

However, my fiance and I are prepared to work hard. We communicate well, we make time for each other above anything else, we have respect for each other and honesty. I look critically at our relationship, and try to anticipate problems in the future and resolve them. Please dont think of me as naive and ignorant of change, just see me as a fellow adult who is here to help and be helped.

Thank you

2 years ago he was applying to be an officer in the army, for which they advised him to delay for 2 years to gain some life experience.
I'm kinda curious as to how he can be an officer without a degree?

in the uk, you dont need a degree to be admitted to sandhurst for officer training, although most do have degrees. The min reqs are 2 a-levels.

Ahhh, the UK.
I was stationed in England for 10 years (6+ near Cambridge and 3+ near Oxford)
My youngest was born there.

nice

best country in the world

also lower divorce rates i believe

x

Smile - How are those wedding plans going? Also, I can see your point about seeing people going down the slippery slope of shacking up before marriage, and feeling powerless to advise them to reconsider.

Our courtship was VERY brief, though we did work together for 6 months before anything happened between us. We had family members that kept us on the straight and narrow, though. She lived across the state line and I would commute to her home to see her. One night I was there and got caught in a snowstorm. I couldn't get out of their driveway. I ended up spending the night on her folk's couch downstairs. Her room was upstairs. Needless to say as a 19 year old man my thoughts weren't on sleeping that night, and I greatly grew to resent that couch knowing she was upstairs in that warm, comfortable, silky, sexy ...... oh well!

The next morning her step-father caught me on the couch before I could sneak out of the house. He gave me a man-to-man lecture on proper manly conduct toward the opposite sex. Basically his thought was that I should have tried harder to get home that night, even if it meant walking. Surprisingly, I never, ever stayed overnight there again! I will say that the wait for us was worth it - the honeymoon was great!

Smile, I see that you are coping well in this life right now, but I would love to spend eternity with you and all others here. That's my main source of concern for you. Forgive me for being bigbrotherish.

Hi everyone
Things are a lot better, my man is applying for a new job at the moment along the same lines as the job he has, but at manager level. If he gets it, it will mean a lot more money and security for the future. He is feeling more positive about his current career and will not go for the officer training if all continues to go so well.

We did the EN questionnaire the other day, which was good except he was incredibly positive about me on his! I wasnt negative on mine, just made lots of suggestions, and he initially said he was sorry he was so bad to me! We talked about it tho and i explained that i was essentially happy, just trying to be constuctive, and everything was fine.

We have talked a lot recently about honesty, because he has a tendency to keep things from me which he thinks might hurt me, and i explained it only hurts me more when i find out he has lied. Its never about serious things, and he has never cheated on me. I explained how these kinds of bad habits lead to infidelity: he refused to believe he would ever consider cheating on me, but in the end he listened to what i had to say and i feel like we have made a lot of progress.

Im now very much looking forward to our wedding, which is about 4 1/2 months away, and i will make sure i post during our first year of marriage to let you know how it is going: i am filled with confidence in our relationship because of what i have learnt since discovering MB, and that includes listening to and taking in all your advice.

Thank you

Hi Ks,

I just thought I would tell you a little about my story because it relates. My fiance is in the military, I was in the military. I am 23. Him and I were engaged once already but because got moved to place were they didn't have a job for him anywhere close by we called it off for the timebeing because there was no hope that we could be together in the near future. Yeah, that was really sad. And unforunately, now the tides have shifted in the other direction. He is overseas and I am out of the military...so we are still very far away from each other. But we are engagdd again and we planned on getting married and being together this summer. I am still in college, also 2 years away from my degree. I was willing to relocate and transfer. Then I got a job offer in my field here at home. So I postponed the wedding to take the job. But there are alot of reasons why. 1. because I can't work were he is at, not in a professional position anyway. 2. He will be deployed and away alot and he works long long hours sometimes. 3. Since I spent 3 years overseas and didn't like it (I missed that states so much) there is a good chance I wouldn't like it where he is at either. So you can see there was alot of room for resentment if I gave up the job to go there with him and I ended up hating it there. also, like alot of people have already said, I'm young and have alot of time ahead of me.

I can tell you from experience that a year is not such a long time and there is no reason to rush things at your age. just me .02