please read this and help me if you can. i really need to share this, and i am embarrased to tell anyone i know because they all think we are so great together...i met my husband in march 2003. it was like love at first sight. he was so romantic. everything was perfect. he is kind of naive and immature, though. i am 27 and he is 23. he is from russia and had overstayed his visit. i always wondered if he was so perfect because he was looking for a green card, but i really believe he loves me. anyway, by september, i was so in love with him that i kept worrying about him being deported. i told him i wanted to marry him so i wouldn't have to worry, so he said, fine, we'll do it next week, and we did. it was the happiest day i can remember, but he didn't seem so giddy...REWIND: we moved in together a month after we met because i lost my roomate and him and his roomates were getting evicted, but we worked out great. got along well as live-in boyfriend and girlfriend. sorry if i'm skipping around with the timeline. HERE is my issue. it is now february, we have been married and very happy for almost 5 months. i read his e-mail, because i wanted to know who this "eva" girl was. here is what i found: (remember we met march 30, but spent practically every minute together)

april 20 an e-mail he wrote to her "i am working on green card, living with my girlfriend. i am doing everything for one reason-to speed the time up until i see you..i wish YOU were here by my side to see my success. what we had was the best in my life" (he wrote this two weeks after our first time making love, and after he had told me he loved me)

july 2003 "hi love...still waiting on greencard situation. miss you, i wish i was with you in italy- the love country..love,..." (THIS was one month before he married me, we had been living together for 3 1/2 months, saying i love you everyday..)

in november (we had been married 2 months and happy) he mentioned he would send her documents and he needed her "full address, age, do you like sex and breast size:-)" then, as a ps, he writes, "being married is good"

then, in january 2004, he wrote her to ask if she was coming to the states, he would help her get the work contract and he would let her take him out for drinks. she asked him "as a friend". this time, he signed his letter sincerely instead of love.

I AM SO CONFUSED!!! he was so in love with her still, living with me, telling her he would always love her, he wished she was the one he was building his life around...he lost his virginity to her. i was his second.

i feel that our marriage is based on a big lie!! he is a good actor, and i always felt he was too good to be true, so romantic...well, he says that was a year ago, he loves me now, they are just friends, she probably isn't coming to the states for the summer. STILL, i don't know how to feel, react....should i just divorce him? is this all a joke? i loved him so much, and he loved her and that was the basis of our entire pre-marital relationship. i feel worthless, angry, hurt, confused, depressed, anxious.................can anybody give me some words of advice from a RATIONAL point of view? because that is certainly not what i have right now.

Get an attorney....

Ask about the legality of your marriage.

Don't discuss this issue with your H first.

Take copies of his emails to your attorney.

Sorry......
Pep

i am a stupid fool, maybe, but i want to give more information so that maybe there is a way to work through this? since we got married, he hasn't signed his letters to her as "love" and no more talk of wanting to be with her or anything.his tone is more friendly than anything.
she congratulated him on his marriage and said she was happy for him. they only knew each other for a few weeks! in many of her e-mails to him she mentions that he is irrational to love her so much, they hardly knew each other...i think he fell hard because he lost his virginity to her. when we first started dating, he even mentioned that he missed her and how he cried for days when she left. i got aggravated and didn't want to talk about her.. i was insulted, but later i thought he had gotten over it! i highly doubt that they will ever be together, and i believe that he has fallen in love with me. he is always home when not working, always saying he loves me, good sex life. what we have now may very well be true, but it all started as a lie and that is what upsets me so much...OR, maybe he is an impeccable actor, riding out the next 2 1/2 years for a green card, but she has a serious boyfriend now, so it wouldn't be about being with her...i told him it sounds like he used me for a green card, and he said "when we got married, i vowed to be with you for the rest of my life and that is what i want to do...i love you...come on, honey..that was a year ago, you torture yourself...i don't love her, i love you, you analyze things too much..." AM I A COMPLETE IDIOT? sometimes i really sense that he is happy with me. we have such good times together, tickling each other, cuddling and watching tv together, dancing, everything. he is always saying "come here, honey" because he wants a hug or a kiss...he is boyish and sometimes irrational. he changes his mind about things a lot, is naive and immature. he used to be an actor in high school in russia and said he was very good. which part do i believe???the man who is silly and wishy-washy but really loves me? or the actor who wants a greencard, homecooked meals, and someone to hold them at night? and the worst part is that i have been so happy with him and so in love but i DO NOT want to be a fool!!!

Note: forwarded message

__________________________________

Date: Tue, 22 Apr 2003 05:22:37 -0700 (PDT)
From: "eva
Subject: Re: from A
HERE IS A COPY OF THE E-MAIL HE SENT

april 20, 2003
> Hi
> It's hard to write to you, Eva
> I ...
> I changed a lot.
> I am not anymore that boy that you knew.
> I am a man now. I run 2 businesses, live with my new
> girlfriend and building my life.
> I wish I could build it around you, but you had
> responsibilities and duties in front of your family
> and I respect it.
> I am working on my Green Card right now and MAYBE by
> the end of this year, who knows, I will get it.
> The only thing I am still thinking of is you. I wish
> you were here, by my side watching my success -
> hence
> I am doing it only for one reason - to speed up the
> time I will see you.
> I remember everything we had and that was the best
> time in my life so far...
> Take care, be nice girl which you are anyways.
> I will always love you.
> Sincerely, A
> PS
> I don't know anything about Brazilians - I have
> different life now, I haven't seen them in a while
> PS#2
> I can't help you with the applications - I have
> helped
> around 20 guys already and all my sourses are
> exhausted. Next time ask me about that a little bit
> earlier...
> Bye.
>


__________________________________________________
Do you Yahoo!?
The New Yahoo! Search - Faster. Easier. Bingo
http://search.yahoo.com





Move to folder... [New Folder]



Previous | Next | Back to Messages Save Message Text



Check Mail Compose
Mail Upgrades - Search Mail - Mail Options


Mail - Address Book - Calendar - Notepad


Address Book · Auctions · Autos · Briefcase · Calendar · Chat · Classifieds · Finance · Games · Geocities · Greetings · Groups · Health · Horoscopes · HotJobs · Kids · Mail · Maps · Member Directory · Messenger · Mobile · Movies · Music · My Yahoo! · News · PayDirect · Personals · Pets · Photos · Platinum · Shopping · Sports · TV · Travel · Weather · Yellow Pages · more...



Copyright © 1994-2004 Yahoo! Inc. All rights reserved. Terms of Service - Copyright Policy - Guidelines - Ad Feedback
NOTICE: We collect personal information on this site.
To learn more about how we use your information, see our Privacy Policy

No, you don't need an attorney but you do need to confront him about this. Give him the chance to explain. Judge his reactions and statements for yourself but with a calm mind and a loving heart. You may be surprised what he has to say.

What concerns me the most is that it really take a certain kind of person to live such a big lie, even if only temporary. Basically, he is capable of lying to you and at this point you have no way of knowing if he is still lying or will in the future. The trust has been severely damaged.
I don't think you need to divorce him immediately or even at all, but you do need to work through these trust issues. It will take time, patience, and radical honesty. That means not only are you 100% honest with each other (and yourselves), but also 100% open. You cannot withold any information from each other.
This needs to start NOW. Not the next time he lies to you or the time after that. He needs to understand just how important honesty is to you and just how difficult it will be for you to trust him. BOTH of you have a lot of work to do to repair the trust. He cannot do it alone and neither can you.

I'm so sorry for your pain. Be strong.
Smile

thank you for the advice, i am just so afraid of living a lie, being made a fool of...i keep asking myself, did he marry me for a greencard? or does he love me like he seems to? i'm going crazy. smileaday, august 22 is my birthday! i'll never forget your anniversary <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">smileaday, august 22 is my birthday! i'll never forget your anniversary </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i keep asking myself, did he marry me for a greencard? or does he love me like he seems to?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He may very well have married you for his greencard and grew to love you since in a way that is worthy of marriage.
I watched the movie, Wedding Planner, recently. Part of the storyline there was about how two people can be brought together without love and then learn to love and be perfect for each other.
If the trust can be rebuilt and the love and compatibility are strong enough, I don't think you need to give up so quickly. I know it hurts, but the past cannot be reversed. You have to decide whether or not he crossed your boundary and whether or not you can live with the past while building the future.
I don't envy you this at all, but something about your story gives me hope.
Smile

one problem: he always seemed to love me! he was doing me dishes, buying me radios and computer stuff and telling me he loved me at the time of some of those e-mails!

And while he was doing all of those generous things for you, he was being completely dishonest with you. Maybe gifts don't equal love?
To me respect, honesty, and trust equate love a heck of a lot more than material things...but that's just me. You can't fake those things, but you can fake what he did.
He may have loved you, but he did not respect you. My point is that he may have grown to love and respect you.
You need to try and rebuild the trust. If you think that is doable, go for it. If not, ask yourself whether the two of you can be happy in a relationship void of trust.

Smile

It sounds less like he married you for a greencard and more like this is an ex-girlfriend he is still having an EA with.

My best advice is to confront him about it and send her an email informing her that you are not his girlfriend, but his wife. Have copies of his emails with her saved before you confront him. If he did marry you for a greencard, you do not need a lawyer. A simple call to the INS will do it.

Anyway, he's lying to both of you, and to me that is more indicitive of an affair.

<small>[ February 13, 2004, 09:06 AM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>

he told her when he got married. he promised me he wouldn't e-mail her anymore, and if she comes to the us, he won't see her. i already sent her an e-mail, i told her how he was sleeping in my bed every night and making love to me when he was writing those letters. i asked her to respond if she wanted, but nothing. she hasn't e-mailed my husband, either.

thats good news. lets hope it stays that way!
x