My fiance and I are both divorced after long-term marriages.

When I first met her, I knew that she had a physical affair a couple of months after marrying, it lasted 2 days, and she was guilty and broke it and commited to her husband. She had greatly regretted marrying, and wanted to back out, but was afraid to hurt everyone.

She said this was the only affair during her marriage.

I find out about 10 months into our relationship that she had a 4 month physical/mistakeningly emotional affair that ended a month before I met her. She was afraid to tell me because she knew our relationship wouldn't have started, and then later because she thought it would end. I found out accidently, and she confessed. I asked her hundreds of questions, over a period of about 20 hours of straight through talking, all of which she answered. Her husband found out 5 months before me, and she said he didn't ask as many questions as I did.

Now, 6 months later we're still together, and plan on marrying.

I've always been very jealous, and have had self-esteem issues - as had she.

She swears that she's revealed absolutely everything to me - no more surprises.

I have no reason to distrust her or to believe she has been unfaithful to me since we met. I do know that she loves me - truly loves me.

Should I be afraid?

We've both agreed to get some counseling before getting married, and also to keep on top of our marriage purposefully aftewards.

Ideas?

You wrote,
I find out about 10 months into our relationship

and then,
Her husband found out 5 months before me
So she was married for at least 5 months while you were in a relationship?

Is she still married?
When (if) was she divorced?
When did you meet her?
When did you start dating her?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She swears that she's revealed absolutely everything to me - no more surprises. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What makes you so sure that she will continue to reveal absolutely everything to you after you marry? There is more to honesty than just telling the truth when confronted with a question.

Whether you choose to admit it or not, she has problems with honesty and openness. On top of that, it sounds like honesty and openness is an important emotional need for you. Your fiance needs to UNDERSTAND how important that is to you and you both need to understand your own dealbreakers in this marriage. Not only will you need boundaries to discourage her from lying to you, but you will also need to be very careful how you handle those difficult truths. You will need to make her feel safe always telling you the truth (even when you don't ask for it directly). That means your reaction needs to encourage her to continue being honest (having angry outbursts, getting depressed, crying, withdrawing...all of these things will make her wish she hadn't told you the horrible truth even if it's just because she doesn't want to hurt you, again).

Should you be afraid of marrying her? Maybe not afraid, but you should be smart about it. You should be completely open with her and encourage her to do the same. She needs to know that you care more about the truth than whether or not your feelings get hurt...she needs to know that the truth is necessary at all costs. If you don't know the truth, you really don't have much to work with.

Smile

NO, don't be "afraid of marrying" her,

JUST DO NOT MARRY HER AT ALL!

(Then you will not have to "be afraid" of marrying a liar, cheater, and divorced woman)

Find a better woman to marry, not this "dog".

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

Why do you lump "A DIVORCED WOMAN" as if it's as bad as being a liar and a cheat???
Since when does having been through the misery of a divorce make a woman a pariah?

I fully agree Lilianne! And who gives anyone the "right" to call someone a "dog?!" (I can't help but wonder what Scott thinks about someone calling his fiance a "dog.") <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Scott, not sure if you are still reading, but I too was wondering aobut the husband "finding out" 5 months "after" you. I'm not sure how to intrpret that... were you and she having an affair or was this after her divorce?

<small>[ February 18, 2004, 01:59 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

Liliane and LoveMyEx,
Baba has her own special way of insulting people she doesn't know...I wouldn't get worked up over it. Plus, I'm pretty sure she wasn't calling this woman a liar and cheat because she is divorced...I'm fairly certain she is referring to the woman's previous affairs.
From what we've been told, this woman lied and cheated and so technically she is a liar and a cheat, although I sincerely hope she grows out of it and learns how to build a strong, happy marriage before diving in, again.

Personally, hope wouldn't be enough for me. Scott is walking on thin ice marrying a woman with a history of infidelity without making sure all cards are on the table and they have decided together how to avoid similar problems in their relationship. Some people have a tendency to lie (to others and themselves) and run away from problems. What happens when Scott and his fiance run in to problems and his then wife opts for flight over fight? These are scary risks that should be addressed and resolved to some extent before marriage, wouldn't you agree?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I'm happy to read that they will get premarital counseling, but hopefully they will both agree that future counseling is always an option and usually a necessity. Don't think you'll fix everything with premarital counseling...most people are unwilling to deal with all of the problems that surface then for fear of interfering with wedding plans. Please be prepared to go to counseling throughout your marriage!

Smile

This thread has been reported to me. I would like to take this time to remind everyone to stay respectful.

Regards,
Nokomis

hmmmm,

Well, ya know....you might be upset about baba using the word "dog" (in parenthesis I want to note) but I think liar and cheat sum up things pretty clearly and accurately. They might not be pretty words...but they are unfortunately fitting. This young man needs to be seriously concerned about the pattern of behavior that she has already exhibitted. If he were already married....well we'd try and help them get past it. Since he isn't....my advice is "RUN Forrest RUN"!!!!!

<small>[ February 18, 2004, 04:32 PM: Message edited by: star*fish ]</small>