Hi,

I've come to this board quietly for sometime seeking advice that would help make our relationship more solid and even more incredible. Now I come here for advice. My finace and I are planning to be married in a few months. We've known each other for almost 4 years. He's been divorced for four years. Recently we've been busy getting things in order for our marriage including issues with the children from his previous marriage. But that's not why I'm here. I found out recently that while we were not dating a year ago...after we had...that he'd been seeing his ex wife again. I am willing to forgive that because he wasn't with me at the time. However, it's hard because he said before then he wasn't interested in her in that way. Well, I guess things change. Anyway, over the weekend while we were making love he called me by her name. I'm confused...and seriously worried. I'm looking for advice and input...am I living in the shadows or was this just a common and innocent mistake? Sorry for the blunt subject matter...

Hi NB,

You and I are in the exact same situation!!...My fiance and I are getting married in a few months as well and going through all the steps right now, working out all the kinks. I have known him for over 3 years now and we broke up about 2 years ago in which time he was seeing his ex-wife (off and on) after claiming not to have any feelings for her at all. I believe him about that even though he was still seeing her off and on, because otherwise things would have worked out between them because she wants to be with him to this day. I don't really care that he slept with her, hell I don't care who he slept with before him and I got back together. As far as him saying her name...ouch, honestly I would be very upset if that happened to me but I know that it sometimes happens and could be innocent...As far as you living in her shoes...did they end the relationship mutually or did she leave him? Unless he still wants to be with her I don't think you should be worried.

New Blossoms
I dont htink you can hold against him seein gher when you were not together. BUt him callin gyou by her name would lead me to believe that he is eigher thinking about her or still seeing her hear and there. OR maybe was just a slip. Keep you eye open?

TO 4ever,
My suggestion to you would be run and run fast in the other direction. I feel certain you will not tke my advice since you are in love. Your guy blantantly cheated, not once either from what you wrote it was ongoing for a while. Sounds like you probably gave him a hard time a little then continues on. I hate to say this but he knows he has you now. He knows you must really love him to stay after he did something that heinous. I was in a very similar situation about 10 years ago. Luckily I came to my senses and ended it. It took me some time to get over but it saved me so much grief. Here the thing, my ex got married about 1 1/2 yrs after we broke up. About two weeks before the wedding he was yelling out his truck window for the pretty blond next to him to pull over. What he didnt realize was that the pretty blond was my sister!!!

Now that guy was a real prize huh? Waste of my tears.

Hi,

My only feelings about what he did when weren't together is his word. He said to me no never again and well it happened again. We talked very extensively about this last night...my fiance and myself. He said he hasn't a clue as to why it happened...and that it didn't really impact him that he had said it. That he promises his fidelity to me. That he wants his life with me and that it's completely over between them. Inspite of this I am looking into counseling. I believe for us and what we've been through it's a good idea. Our marriage and life together with our children is our first priority. The problems that existed to seperate us were about the ex-wife. She's very vindictive. She used to call at all hours of the day and night just to yell at me. She used to just not show up when she had a boyfriend to take the boys over night. Leaving my fiance to break his plans with me to be there because she wasn't. Then she'd spin it around and play on his heart and mind...seducing him all the way. Then running away. Their divorce...she cheated on him, they argued beyond belief and in the end it was somewhat mutual. She was fine being divorced as long as she could control the outcome of his life. As long as she still had him and no other woman did. Didn't matter divorced or not she was the only woman who could have that position in his life. He could all the cheap meaningless relationships he wanted...just nothing significant...let alone another wife. She made every attempt to secure his schedule and what he did with his time while he was with the kids to prevent him from have any true significant relationships. Once she found out her plan wasn't working she made it difficult for him and us. Now she's fighting him over custody of the kids she gave him last year...as long as he didn't do anything to release her level of control over the situation. The reason...the kids love me and like spending time...all of us together cause it's fun and devoid of arguing...it's healthy additionally because now she knows the weddings on. So there's the answer to that. I worry so much because this woman has had such an impact on our lives together, him, myself and the kids. It's so important that our marriage be based on truths. That this just threw me for a loop. I love her dearly, I know he loves me dearly...it's just scared the heck out me.

Newblossoms...your concern is VERY legitimate. You will likely have to have some kind of relationship with this woman for the entirety of your marriage. You need to factor that in as painful as it is. She is going to be a part of your marriage and you will need to accept that to some extent. The fact that you will play a parental role to her children only makes your position more sensitive and everlasting. If you cannot live with this woman's torment, don't marry until you figure out a way to be happy. You are in essence marrying into HER family because of the kids and her need to have control over your fiance.

I've seen people refer to several books on blended families. I recommend posting in the Emotional Needs forum which gets more traffic. If you are deadset on marrying into this pre-existing family, please prepare yourself as best as possible. Ask people how you can do this. Love has the ability to consistently override logic...please do not rush things. Resolve the issues with your fiance's exwife as best as possible BEFORE the marriage...those issues won't just go away.
Lastly, YES YES YES on counseling. I cannot stand to think that people with great relationships do not seek some kind of counseling before and during marriage. Given the divorce rate, nobody is invincible and we all need as much help as we can get. Knowing that both partners are willing to seek professional help at any time can end up being critical when love wavers and marriage becomes overwhelmingly difficult. Please seek counseling...it is a good thing for all couples.

Take care,
Smile

I just wanted to say that one time I was over at my in-laws on a holiday, and my FIL, who's been divorced 12 years and remarried 7 called his wife by his ex-wife's name. Now I know that was nothing but an innocent slip-up, maybe brought on my holiday memories? After all, he was married to the woman for quite a few years! His wife, however, was rather upset. Anyway, I just thought I'd [censored] that since I had that experience and in that case, at least, it was innocent.

I was once on holiday with my boyfriend. Something broke and it shocked me, and I called for assistance. Imagine my shock when I called my ex-husband's name!

Now, if I had Saddam Hussein, Ted Bundy, and that ex-husband of mine lined up and someone told me I had to be with one of them, I'd opt for the nunnery... There is NO WAY I would EVER take that man back.

But I called his name, even though the person I wanted to help me was my boyfriend. It just came out.

Over the years, my brother has occasionally called his wife by my name. He calls me by her name, sometimes. Doesn't mean anything.

So I wouldn't worry about that.

As far as the controlling behavior, I'd be tempted to quietly sit with the ex-wife next time she's around, and explain to her how much you love your fiance, and how committed you are to being a good step-parent to the children, and that you look forward to working WITH her to ensure the children's wellbeing. Make sure she understands that YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE. So she might as well play nice.... :-)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> over the weekend while we were making love he called me by her name. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did you bring this to his attention? If so his reaction could be very important.

I do agree with what others are saying, it may be nothing. Slip of the tounge.

Sounds like a movie though. I can't remember ever callinig out anyones name.

You really should make sure you know everything about the reasons for the end of their M(POJA)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Over the years, my brother has occasionally called his wife by my name. He calls me by her name, sometimes. Doesn't mean anything. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sure, and I called my elementary school teacher "Mom" on occasion. It MIGHT not mean anything, but there's no way for any of us to know if you should discount that.
I try to always give my guy the benefit of the doubt, but if he called me another woman's name during sex, I'd have to wonder what exactly was going through his head while I was playing with his. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I'm not saying to get angry or be hurt, but he has given you reason to suspect something inappropriate going on between him and his ex. Approach it maturely. This is marriage. Big decision, right? You have every right to slow things down until you feel comfortable with your husband and his past that has a tendency to stick its nose in your life. You have every right to be suspicious. You have every right to put him through the wringer with relevant questions.

Just make sure you take an approach that will benefit your relationship. Don't be attacking or obnoxious. Be sincere, honest, mature, and true to yourself and what you really need to be happy for the rest of your life with this man and his family.

Smile

And make sure you also don't have "ex-spouse paranoia" afflicting you.

I am frequently amazed at how my boyfriend at first perceived the importance of my relationship with my ex-husband. He was worried there might still be feelings. There were none, except regret.

SO MAKE SURE that when you ask him questions, you LISTEN to his answers, and don't get paranoid and look for other meanings...

Does anyone agree that NC should maybe be essential before the marriage goes ahead? It depends if children are involved, obviously.

If you can't at least tolerate his ex-wife and vice versa, I think you should not even consider getting married. She is always going to be there. I think telling her how much you love him and that you aren't going anywhere would be cruel and a huge mistake. Instead, you should reassure her that SHE will always be the children's mother and you would never try to usurp her position in their lives - that the two biological parents would always be responsible for discipline, that you would never try to involve yourself in major decisions related to education or non-emergency medical care for them, and that while you would hope to be the children's friend, you would never pretend to be their mother.

Having been divorced and remarried myself, I think you should examine how their relationship ended. They were both involved or uninvolved that led to its' destruction. Ask your finance in a nonthreatening way, without blame. You have to remember this woman WAS his wife at one point. You should not make inflammatory remarks about her. Your finance is reacting to his emotions with his former wife.
She on the other hand, is reacting to the fact that he is trying to move forward with his life. He has indicated he is serious about your relationship and she is threatened by that. She will attack you with the involvment of the children. You will be the step-mother and she is reacting to the fact she feels replaced in first his life and then as mother of their children.
I would advise you to not strike out at her. Love your finance as he needs and show love and devotion to his children. They are caught in a horrible situation. Even if she makes comments about you, rise above that petty '*****y' ness and show her, your finance, and their children that you are an adult and will model that behavior for any and all concerned who need the example. Good luck and base your marriage on biblical principles and you both will be sucessful in life and marriage. Peace.