what do you do when your boyfriend of five yrs. askes you to marry him in, you say yes; however it's now four months later and you find out that he's terrified, confused , and unsure. Meanwhile I have to come off my emotional high, angry now. Yes we are in counseling which I believe will be used as a time delay now. He says he does want to marry but I think now he's so filled with negative thoughts will it ever work. I need encourgement!!!!

Hi girleee,
Welcome to Marriage Builders. I'm sorry that you are hurting so much, but I'm really glad you found this site. I encourage you to read, read, read. There is so much incredible information here for you.

The last thing I will do is encourage you to marry a man because you are not prepared to say no to a proposal. Take your time. He obviously isn't ready for marriage...don't push him. Help him discover WHY he is terrified, confused, and unsure. But, chances are he needs to discover that on his own.

I completely understand your frustration. I just waited five years for my guy to propose. While I did make sure he knew what I wanted and that the clock was starting to tick, I didn't push him. He needed time to figure it out on his own. I'm glad I gave him that time.

Be strong. Be smart. Read all you can here. Ask LOTS of questions and be ready for answers that you don't want to hear. If you want more responses, move over the Emotional Needs forum.

Smile

You definitely need to look beyond the emotional high and think rationally about the potential marriage before you make a firm decision.

Why dont you suggest a long engagement to your man? Getting engaged doesnt mean you have to set a date immediately. This is a lot less scary and gives you both time to think and get used to the idea.

Trust me I'm trying to come off the emotional platform and I'm praying that this anger I have will go away. I was somewhat shocked when he asked on my birthday. I believe if we had not sat down together deciding on a date and had not actually started planning it might not hurt so bad but any bride to be knows there is an emotional high of excitement. The long term engagement I'm not particularly fond of either mainly I guess because of the "clock" We are both 35 and in my mind after five years you should know what you want. I saw somewhere that that the living together thing is not good and I agree because I believe he's now in a comfort zone And I do agree that he needs to deal with this himself maybe to the point of me stepping out of the relationship while he does Don't know how much sense that makes though remeber we are still in counseling. I'm not going to lie that going on as a normal happy couple seems impossible to me right now.

Hi girleee,
I have to admit that your screen name left me with the impression that you were younger. Young women in their late teens and early twenties occasionally post anxious to get married...I can definitely understand your sense of urgency.

But, you still cannot push him. If he's not ready, he's not ready. I live with my fiance...we've lived together for almost three years. I've been pretty sold on the negative side of cohabitation since finding MB and now I discourage couples from doing it (and come across as a big hypocrit). He was in that comfort zone, too. I think the main thing that convinced him it was time to marry is that he agreed it was time to start thinking about our family. That realization motivated him to deal with his uncertainties and fears.

Some people here encouraged us to separate and see what happened, but we both agreed that separation would ultimately cause more harm to our relationship. Of course, this was before he proposed. I'm not sure what to tell you. Post over in the Emotional Needs forum. You'll get more responses there.

Smile

Hi Girlee,

I am in a similar situation like you. Supposed to be married this June 26th but ex-fiancee revealed about his A Jan.1 this year. Totally devastated and in short, cancelled our wedding. We are right now planning on separating and taking a break to see if he wants to recommit to this R. He said he's given it his 100% to try and patch things up and recreate the spark but it's not possible. He's not let me in during these months and I'm finding it harder not to LB him because of that so now he's moving out to feel what's it like not to have me around. We've been living together 5 years, have a nice house and share parenting of my son. I think this is the best thing for us right now.
I would question why he wanted to cancel the wedding. The only greater reason most of the time I hate to tell you is another woman so try to be strong and squeeze the truth from him. I'm sorry if this is not encouraging but sometimes we have to face the music so we don't live in false hopes.
Can't say anymore as it still hurts bad.
Goodluck!
BF