My husband and I have been married nearly 4 years and were dating for a couple of years before we married. We spend all our free time together, have a happy home life with no children (he is a very young, fit 52 and I am 36, also fit and athletic, which may or may not be germane to the problem) and we are best friends with plenty of great conversation and an otherwise great sex life. (Sex is always very good for both of us with seemingly little conflict. Our sex life is relatively normal with little in the way of what some people would deem deviant behavior. I do not mean that in a negative vein, by the way.)

The problem is that whenever I am gone (weekend business trip every now and then, and volunteer activities every now and then) he uses internet and video (and maybe mags) porn behind my back and then lies about it. I've found "evidence" of what appears to be fairly compulsive use (way more masturbation sessions in these porn sessions than in the number of times he would have sex with me in a given time period) every time we are not together. This has caused repeated, intense conflict and trauma every time it has happened, and we tried to address it via counseling a couple of years ago, to no avail. (I discovered it again recently and he tried to lie his way out of it.) At one point, I had nearly left him over it - It makes me feel like I have unfair competition (I am very attractive but am not an anonymous, airbrushed 18-year-old in a kinky video), I hate the clandestine use of the porn (it gives me a creepy feeling that maybe there could be more I don't know about), it makes me mistrust his sexual focus (like maybe he is constantly fantasizing about other women he knows, while I maintain my focus exclusively on him), and I feel that maybe he has a bit of a Madonna/Whore problem (which he had half-jokingly once said: It's hard for him to indulge in looking at me in a "filthier" light because it might compromise his feelings of love for me - his Catholic upbringing). However, I would gladly welcome getting the opportunity to be the object of his more 'sordid" fantasies and roleplays. I have told him that I would be flattered to have him look at me like that as well as looking at me as the woman he is in love with and sexually attracted to (which he is.)

He has a history of addictive behavior to drugs and alcohol (family history as well as his own years ago)... he didn't drink or touch drugs from 32 yrs of age until recently, and the occasional beer or pot does not seem to be a problem, and I don't fuss about it since it doesn't seem to be a problem. (He has a very high-stress job and a beer at night doesn't appear to cause a problem. It's at home with me, and it's never more than 1 or 2.) I do feel like his clandestine indulgence in porn is representatvie of addictive behavior, though, since he has not given it up in spite of the problems it has caused between us. He just lies about it when I confront him. He has also lied about other things, most of them inconsequentlal in the greater scheme of things.

1. I want him to stop lying because it has destroyed my trust in him.

2. I want him to stop the secret porn use. I would watch it with him, and I have suggested this, but he thinks I am only doing it for him and would be upset about it. (He has never tried to initiate us watching it together.) However, I would not want our sexual relationship to become dependent on external sources of arousal, so I wouldn't want to open a can of worms.

Any input? How do I solve the lying (all lying, not just the porn lying) and how do we treat the secretive porn use?

What do you think is the underlying catalyst for his attraction to porn, when he's got an attractive woman who enjoys both lovemaking and the kinkier, less romantic brand of sex? Am I doing something wrong?

Do you think he has an addiction to porn?

Thanks,

Penelope

During stressfull times in our marriage I have found myself looking secretly at porn, but afterwards feeling guilty. My wife also found me out and left me, saying that I was having an affair by looking at porn. I love my wife and I am very attracted to her physically as well. However there is almost no sex in our marriage of 20 years and I am frustrated to insanity. She never wants me to see her naked and when I am stressed and ask her for some help she says that I am only treating her as a sex object and continually turns me down. But when she wants sex (not very often) I dont accuse her of anything nor do I put her down. She says I never meet her emotional needs. I am so upset. I am not sure I can survive this ordeal any longer. How am I to understand and meet her emotional needs. This is a hard thing for me to learn. I would love to meet her emotional needs if I knew how. PLEASE help me!!! I am locked out.

This is to flat tire: First of all, I am sorry to hear about your predicament. You have my sympathy. Secondly, I'm only speaking from the vantage point of a layperson.

It sounds to me like there is a possibility that your wife may have been uninterested in sex for reasons other than what she has said. Did she get more explicit in terms of what emotional needs you had not met? Is she on any medication that could negatively impact her sex drive? Is there anything in her history that could have damaged her view of sex?

Also, she sounds like she does not feel good about herself physically. Have you reassured her verbally about how you like her body, not just once, but repeatedly? (I think many women feel unable to measure up to media images, and that can make a woman feel undesirable and can impact her ability to want sex, at least from my own experience.) Did she catch you on more than one occasion? I can say that when I have caught my husband, I also felt like he was cheating on me, so I can understand her feelings. I know another woman who also left her husband after repeatedly catching him with porn. And I nearly got to that point myself.

Has she left you for good, or is there a chance for reconciliation? I know sometimes I have wished my husband would pursue me as he did when we were first dating, meaning, not just roll over and start something, but take me out and focus on me exclusively in a romantic/sexual way for a while before making a move. You know, not the end of the night ambush just before we roll over and go to sleep. Could that be what she needs? Flirtation and romantic overtures first? Like when you were first dating?

Can the two of you sit down and talk calmly about what she needs from you? Do you tell her how attracted you are to her?

Hi Penelope...welcome to MB!
I don't have much in the way of help for you, but there have been many threads on this topic (including similar situations) discussed in the Emotional Needs forum. Hop on over there and run a search for porn. Hopefully, that can help. Also, please feel free to start a thread over on that forum. It does get a lot more traffic; however, the forums tend to be significantly slower on the weekends.

Take care,
Smile