Hello,
I'm new here and I'm not sure if this is the right board to post on but I hope to get some insight. My boyfriend and I are not officially engaged yet but we talk about marriage all the time and we live together but he is currently deployed. The marriage talk is not really an "if" but a "when" and will most likely take place within a year from him returning from this deployment. We get along great and never argue. We have NEVER argued and I'm not sure if this is healthy but neither of us like to argue so we don't. If we don't agree on something we talk about it and just agree to disagree or one of us caves in. It's not one sided so it's not like he's always caving in nor am I always the one to cave. We are very close and love each other dearly. We both have strong healthy sexual appetites so there is no problem with the SF...or so it would seem. My significant other is a little more...experimental(?) than I am. He likes to try different things and for the most part I am open to trying new things. He has a fantasy though of seeing me involved with other men. For some reason, it turns him on to think about him being able to watch me be sexually active with one or two men. I always just let him talk about it but now I think he seriously wants to try it. The problem is, I don't WANT any other men. He is all I ever want, but I do want to make him happy. I'm just confused as to what I should do. I love this man with all my heart and I know he loves me as well, but I'm not sure how to deal with his kinky sexual fantasies. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I would like to be able to say I would do anything for him to make him happy but in all actuality having sex with other men is not something that interests me in the least. It's not like he wants an open relationship because he would NOT be happy about me seeing other men on my own, but this is something that HE wants to experience and be there with me. If I were on the outside looking in I would say that he was sick, But I KNOW him and he is a very loving and VERY giving person and he would do ANYTHING for me. It's almost like how can I deny him, but I really DON'T want to do that. I'm hoping he will have forgotten about it by the time he gets back

Hi Casey...welcome to MB.
Even if he does remember it when he comes back, you should not do anything that you feel so uncomfortable about. The thing I keep hearing about fantasies is that they are just that...fantasies. Hardly ever do fantasies turn out the way they are imagined. There is so much wrong about his fantasy coming to fruition.
What are you going to do if he wants more? Keep having sex with other men?
Risk STDs?
Risk falling for another man?
Find out his fantasies run even deeper and more deviant?

Read about POJA (the Policy of Joint Agreement). Together find something that will satisfy him that you both enthusiastically agree on. DO NOT have sex with another man! DO NOT bring other people into your relationship if you are the least bit uncomfortable with it...it's a risky, dangerous proposal even if you were totally cool with it.

If I were in your shoes, I'd dig a little deeper. I'd find out what is driving that fantasy...where it came from. WHY does he want this?

Take care,
Smile

I agree with Smile. Never do anything that you do not feel is right and never bring a 3rd party into a relationship.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If I were in your shoes, I'd dig a little deeper. I'd find out what is driving that fantasy...where it came from. WHY does he want this?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This worries me. I am a guy, I know a lot of guys. If he said he fantasized about you being with another woman, I would think it was a little bit more normal.

I do not know any man that has any interest in seeing another man "In the act" Especialy with his girlfriend or wife. Most men would beat the hell out of any guy they caught doing that.

Imagine you asking to watch him with another woman!

You may want to reconsider as to wether or not you think this is sick.

Sorry if this is not the kind of thing you were looking for but it is an honest guys opinion.

Thank you for the replies. That is exactly the kind of thing I was looking for. I know I can talk to him about anything. I once asked him how he got so...um, freaky for lack of a better word. He told me that when he was stationed in Germany he saw some things over there that excited him but he never experienced them. During that same conversation I had asked him if he would be disappointed if it were only the two of us in our relationship. At that time he told me that he wouldn't be disappointed at all and that when he says stuff like that he's just talking trash. He is the type of man that likes a lady in public and a freak in private. I would NEVER even SUGGEST that he be with another female. Not my style AT ALL. And the thing that leads me to believe that it could just still be all talk is that there is another guy in our unit (we are in the same unit but I did not deploy) that really likes me and was persuing me hard until I started a relationship with my BF. Actually, this other guy is still trying to persue me regardless of my relationship but I'm not interested. Well, anytime I tell BF what this other guy has said or done to try to sway me, BF gets upset. And I have an exfiance that still wants to be with me (years after we broke up) and BF does not like that either. He ACTS like he DOESN'T want another man near me, but he SAYS something different when we are having sex. I am just confused as to how to handle it if on the off chance it is NOT just talk and he really does want that experience. I know I wouldn't go through with it but if it is something he really wanted to do, would I be offensive or out of line if I suggested some type of therapy. I'm almost positive a refusal to do it would not break us up, but a suggestion of therapy on the subject might be the cause of our first argument. We've never even been angry with each other. I should also mention that BF is 12 years older than I am and the thought had crossed my mind that maybe it was some sort of mid life crisis thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I doubt it's any kind of mid life crisis issue. What happened when you asked him if he seriously wanted to try that?
I'd bet this is a fantasy he has that he doesn't expect to ever come true and in reality he'd hate it if it ever did come true (though he may not realize that now).
He's got jealousy issues about you and other men...it'd probably kill him to see you with someone else.

My guy used to talk about a threesome because he's seen them in porn and heard about them. I asked him if he really wanted to see me...ME...being pleasured by a woman. Wouldn't he be jealous? Wouldn't he be worried she could make me feel better than he could? I got him to admit that he didn't really want ME in the threesome, though a threesome has always been a fantasy. He had a good friend that did this once and admitted it wasn't all it was cracked up to be (it isn't like in porn videos).

Why don't the two of you make a video of you having sex together...he can watch himself pleasure you. He may just want to be able to sit back and watch you enjoying yourself.

Thanks Smile, he had mentioned us doing a video himself. I guess I just got MY panties in a bunch because it bothered ME to think of being with anyone but him and I know it would bother me to see him with anyone else. I probably just overreacted to the comment. Matter of fact he is divorced because his xW cheated on him during his last deployment. That was over 4 years ago. During the same conversation I had mentioned earlier (where I had asked him if he would be disappointed if it were just us in the relationship) he said that he figured that if I wanted someone other than him, it would be best for him to bring it up and be a part of it rather than me cheating on him like xW. By the way, xW had an OC as a result of her affair. I spoke with my brother about the situation. I didn't give details and tell him that my BF brought up the subject, I just gave him the scenerio and asked what he thought. He is engaged himself and said that he would not want to share his fiance with anyone, male or female. He said he would bring up the subject of a threesome with his fiance and if she took him up on it, he would go through with it and enjoy himself, but then he would break up with her. I thought THAT was wrong, but he said that if she would have the ability to be w/ someone other than him while they were together she would most likely do it w/o him as well and he wouldn't have it. I told him what if she did it because you asked her to, she didn't really WANT to, but she did it for you to make you happy. His reply was that no one would do something for someone else (sexually) that they didn't want to do at least a little bit for themselves.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">His reply was that no one would do something for someone else (sexually) that they didn't want to do at least a little bit for themselves. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow. While I totally disagree with the deception he would be willing to incorporate into his relationship, that's a pretty powerful statement that I tend to agree with above. I think his willingness to try to trick her into having a threesome says something pretty horrible about him in terms of honesty, though.

I agree with Smile, your brothers statement is very well put. And with the new information that you have provided, perhaps your H was just trying to cover his back and test you. He's been surprised before and doesn't want it to happen again.

It is possible that he has just been giving you a chance to admit a desire that you don't have. Probably a bit of insecurity on his part.

My guess is that if you did agree, he would turn on you in a heart beat.

Give him time, learn all that you can to make sure you are meeting his EN's so that when he does return, you can work on easing his insecurity of you wanting another man