My fiancé and I are in a LDR. He is in the military, we are getting married in June and I will go live with him after that.

He was gone on business trip for about 2 weeks. Well, he says he was going somewhere close to where he is stationed, but I found out he actually went home!, which is very far from where he is at. Technically I am not suppose to have this information so I cannot tell him I know because it would blow my information source. I asked him about it, I said "where did you go on you business trip?" He said "Just up north about 2 hours away." Well you know how when someone is lying they get you way to much information and tell you every little detail? That is what he did. What I don't understand is why he is lying about it. Lets say he was seeing some girl or something like that, I could see him having to lie about that but why lie about the whole trip? He even went to see his kids and some of his family...so why couldn't he at least tell me that much? I don't get it.

I have no way to bring it up to him without getting catch red handed. There is really no way I should have known this. I keeping thinking I would just say "I heard you were at home? Why didn't you tell me that is where you went?" But if he denies it what then? I have nothing I can say in response. He can say "Why do you say that? Or who told you that?" and all I can say is "I just heard" or something general like that.

But this is a huge deal and I have way confront him about it and I don't know what to do..Help!!!

I think you need to get the book "Love Busters" and read the whole thing.

Next try some feeling statements, "I feel that I'm not getting the whole story on this trip."

My husband is a liar, too. He has lied on many occassions about stuff that seems so trivial. When I confront him about it sometimes he lies still-even when I tell him that I know he isn't telling the truth. He claims that it is because he had to lie to his parents and roommates before he knew me and it is just an old habit that is hard to break. I know it is because in the short run he thinks the lie will be easier to deal with than the truth.

Honesty has always been very important in my family and I do dnot take it lightly. It has been very hard for me to trust him again, but I have kept confronting him if I know he is lying and trusting my instincts. I am usually right and as he realizes that he can't get away with it he has done it less and less -- I think.

Anyway, I hope that this helps. I would confront him about it and see what happens. If you feel like I have felt many times, his reaction couldn't really make you feel worse. Just insist that you know the truth, even if you can;t proe it to him. He knows what the truth is, too, and can't deny it forever.

Oh -- and take all of this Love Busters stuff with a grain of salt. Not everyone's relationship has two people that can give and be "radically honest".

Hello,

This is the first time I got into this forum topic and your post really caught my attention. I don't know how old are you, but despite of your age I see a red flag waving in your relationship. So you can understand me better, I will share my story with you. I am 25 and she is 22. Our relationship before we got married was filled with lies from both sides. She is a little bit controlling and she gets angry like crazy. In the other hand I am a conflict avoider. Therefore, if I knew that when something was going to make her angry I simply lied and told her what she wanted to hear. She also always lied to me because she never wanted to reveal any info about her past or changed the little bit she revealed everytime I asked her. She was also super hardcore with her privacy. In other words, she had her little secret world. As the relationship developed, the lies got to be so common that they started being o.k. in other situations like financial, etc. What is worse, the lies stopped being simply innocent lies. She left the country to study overseas. I did not want her to go but well, it was for her. Because I was not really down with the lifestyle she had, I got angry at her a couple of times. She then decided to lie about what she was doing. I in the other hand lied about my finances, parties that I was going to, etc. The lies made our relationship go down more and more until we came to accept that lying about betrayal was o.k. Now we are dealing with the pain of both of us having multiple affairs. The pain is something indescriptible. It is horrible. I strongly suggest you to confront him. Reveal him what you are doing. You are lying to him by obtaining info from other sources rather than himself. He is lying to you because who knows hat the heck he did that he felt the need to tell you something else. I am not saying he had an affair, maybe you guys are at a point in your relationship where lying is o.k. so he just felt the need of lying simply because it is o.k.
If you care and love this guy as well as your relationship stop that destructive cycle. Is better now than later. It is damaging your relationship and could end up putting it out of control. I really wish you confront him or move on before you marry. I can assure you that if the things continue in this way, you may face the same trauma my wife and I are living. Think about it before it is too late.

<small>[ May 01, 2004, 04:27 AM: Message edited by: janei ]</small>

4ever, I have to agree that this is a huge red flag. Liars don't stop lying. My h is a habitual liar---his excuse is that he doesn't want to hear me b*tch about whatever. Well, then he shouldn't do whatever 'whatever' is. After 6 years I am sick and tired of it.

He will continue to lie...that much is given. What will happen is one of two things: you will confront him and fight about it...over and over and over OR you will eventually get to the point where you don't believe anything he says and what's more is you won't care that you can't believe him. Both of them are bad.

I would tell him flat out that you know he has been home and ask why he couldn't tell you.