I am new here.... My husband I have only been married for 10 months... I think I have pin pointed my problem.... We met through friends and started talking cause at the time he had a girlfriend...When they broke up he starting coming around more...we agreed it would be a one night stand and that would be it cause niether one of us wanted a realinship. When he came over I didn't want to do anything so he stayed the night and 3 years later he hasn't left yet.... I have been living with him since before we were dating,before he said I think I am falling in love with you,and before we were married....So we have been together for 3 years...

I have a son from a previous realinship and we have a son together. Beofore we got married he joined the army so I know I have a resentment for that.ok I guess what I am trying to get at is I think my marriage is falling apart. My husband won't talk to me anymore he doen't play with the boys and I have to practicly beg him for a kiss. When we go to bed he rolls over and moves all the way to the other side of the bed. Its like he don't love me anymore.

I have tried talking about this with him last night but when we were talking he looked at the clock and said ok whatever but I am going to bed now so are we finished? I started crying (even though I told myself not to)and said yea. He said good and went to bed. He doesn't know it but I slept in my kids room last night. I didn't want to be any where near him.

How can some one who you thought loved you so much just break your heart like that. I asked him today if we could finish our talk and he said well I have things I have to do... I asked him if our mariage was important to him he said yes but I have created a problem that doesn't exsist. The problem is there I didn't marry this man. I married a sweet,loving,would do anything for me,and handsome guy. This guy is rude, incorcerorite, badmouthing,gerk,and very ugly guy... I do not like this guy I just want my husband back.... Is that to much to ask for?

I welcome any advice or stories similar to mine.. I will try anything to make this work... I am hoping to learn a great deal from everyone.

MW2K,

I recomend that you stop trying to convice him to talk about things or improve your M.

You need to do the work from your side and be the best person that you can be.

Be the person that you were when he treated you like you miss. Don't be unhappy and depressed around him Make sure that you figure out and do your best to meet his EN's. Make sure that you avoid all LB's

Don't put pressure on him. DOn't do things that are making him feel uncomfortable. Make him want to be happy with you again.

Have you read all the basic concepts here. HAve you read HNHN or LB?

Good luck, sorry you need to be here

WIWH

Dear lonelymotherof2

Perhaps my story can offer help, different, but shares the same threads. I was in a relationship with a man double my age for 13yrs. Went onto internet doing research for partner and came across chat room. There I met my current husband. A foreigner from the Middle East. He came to meet me after 2 months and returned 2 weeks later and we were married. Problem was that I had married a married man who had a son back home and was informed of this after we were married. Soon enough I was dealing with accidently stumbling across email addresses from girls he had online relationships with, phone numbers etc., and porn sites being emailed to him. Then affairs he had, while 'courting' me. My plate was full. My ex went on a rampage with my family, friends - you name it and I still had to deal with this stranger whom I was learning alot more about. He still stares at women, saying that they're from the West and different. He changes the subject when asked a personal question or goes into child-like denial. This grown man, has the emotional maturity of a 15yr old, has no etiquette, an inability to reason etc., but we're still married. Having sex, was a mission on its own. In his world, women didn't enjoy sex and so it has been an educational journey in every respect for me as much as it has, for him. I have never allowed myself to love like I do, this man. This stranger. But I do and can't explain it. I have lost family members due to my mixed race marriage and have yet to meet his very religious, devout, culture brain-washed family who frown upon his divorce as a result of our affair. I have an 18yr old daughter who doesn't tolerate his 'backwardness', his immaturity and deal with their constant jealousy of me, daily. Yet I feel people are put into our lives for a reason. And if it's to learn or teach, then there has to be both bad and good times. I have learned and burnt people in the process of my choices, un-intentionally, but I have got to give every relationship and experience that comes my way, my best shot. If it wasn't enough, my resolve is to simply make new choices and hopefully be the wiser for it in the end. There is merit in viewing your current status as 'intended' for that's where you become stronger and able to handle things that aren't as black and white as we'd like them to be. I am not at the place I'd like to be just yet. Still learning and growing, but I wouldn't change a thing.

I want to thank you for the advice... I have decided that I will wait until he is ready to talk. Well last night we were watching a movie and he turned it off cause he wanted to talk about our problems.... He told me that there were things that he liked to do but when he does them it isn't the same unless I am there. I never knew he wanted me to be a part of his recreational things.... So I told him that we can take things slow and work on both our wants and needs and wait and see how things go. We are now going to go camping (that he has been doing by himself) for the first time together this weekend. Thank you very much for the Advice.
I have read The Basic Concepts and we took the emontioal needs questioaire and we order His needs Her needs and Fall inlove Stay inlove.... So I am hoping that this will work. I will be in here from time to time cause there is a lot I don't understand and i am hoping that I can ask someone and they will explain it to me.... Thank you

lonelymotherof2

It's great that the 2 of you are taking the right steps together.

I also recomend that you read up on Love Busters!

Good luck to both of you

WIWH

Dear Lonelymother: I wanted to ask the ages of the children? Many men have no idea what it is like to raise kids. They think they know. I have 4 so I can identify with your situation. Why is the Army a resentment to you? This is how your spouse is supporting your family. Is it the time he must devote to the Army? Being in the military is not the '9to5' he is always on the 'ready'.
If you have read the text here....SAA a really helpful one is "His needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Harley.

It is impossible to get anyone to talk to you if they aren't interested in either what you are discussing or you. I would think that your spouse dreads the talks at bedtime. They want to sleep or 'get busy'. Guys are so hard to figure out. I have had some trusted men tell me the following: Men will talk if they aren't focusing on sex. If they haven't had sex recently then they are thinking about when they can. They don't think about sex when it has just happened. I am NOT saying that you should ever deny yourself to satisfy the other person. These men told me that when they have had sex with their wives, it is ok that she wants to talk. BUT, many wives will withhold the sex until the talk is over. This creates a stalemate. He won't talk unless he gets some and we wont give any unless he talks first.
I had this situation in my own marriage. It will cause a drift in the relationship. From you describing the events while talking with him..."Are we done...I've have things to do" We have all been there.
Try talking to him when he knows you want to discuss something, but not cornering him while in bed. He will start to avoid you at bedtime if he thinks you are going have to talk to him. I know you want him to talk with you about alot of things and it is hurtful that he is distant.
Remember when you were first a couple and doing things for him was EASY. It was new and fresh and you were liking him and wanted to please him. When the kids come along, we are then so busy that the men in our lives are like babies theirselves. They are envious of the attention the loving mother of their children shows their children. They are glad that you are a devoted mother but secretly wish you would be devoted to them(like you were, before the kids and the tedious workload of raising children)
Can you get help for the kids so you are not so exhausted by bedtime? Will your spouse help with the kids so you will be in the better mood for later. They all like the quickies but he might help with those kids if you tell him that you would be more apt to 'getting busy' if the kids were taken care of in the evening.
You and your spouse should try to 'date' each other. You can go out to dinner or anything you both like to do together. You both need to reconnect as a couple and not always as parents. It doesn't have to cost alot of money. You can use your imagination.
Ask your family or friends to keep the little ones overnight. You stay in your own house and get creative so when he is home...he will have plenty to think about when the kids are home. You can make your own house his favortie place to be. All the best memories are there...you follow me??
Take time for yourself. Twenty minutes a day. Do something for you. Read a book, take a bath, do some exercise, anything that will make you less stressed.
Talk to a friend, so you can get things off your chest and not try to stop everything on him. I will share...You haven't seen him and want to talk to him about everything....He thinks everything you say has to be solved by HIM. NO, we females want to talk and talk. We feel better when we talk....Men on the other hand, are like this...what is the problem? No problem, discussion over. Is there a problem?, then this is HOW to fix it...NOW we are done......But we want to talk about it.....so he will try to hide or say something mean to cause you to withdraw.
Talk with your friend, but never give any details that can be damaging to your spouse. Never talk 'ugly' about him even if what you will say it true. Talk about the situation....like I have a hard time talking with BillyBob about what the kids did today. He is never interested unless he can fix it. I just want someone to talk with me and know how I spend my time.....
You can feel the VOID that is there without your spouse filling it for you. Not everyone will be able to feel the empty spaces...Talk with the other women in your church and they will be able to help you with your situation. We have all been where you are now and would like to help other get over the challenges of being parents and couples. Read the book mention for yourself and see if it can help shed light on your marriage. If you look at yourself and make changes that are needed within yourself, then 'He' will start to come around when he sees a difference in you. I will pray for you and your husband that you find the comfort and tenderness in each other. Peace

Thank You usual suspects fo ra ll the good advice....
My children are almost 3 and 1.... They are handfuls.... My husband has started to realize where I am coming from... We ordered the books His needs Her needs for parents and Fall in love Stay in love.... He has started reading one of them and in the middle of what I like to call my quiet time(when the kids are napping) he says why didn't you tell me this is how you feel. He says all you have to do is ask and I will help more. He also said that the reason he isn't talking ot me is because he wants to be able to talk to me with out having to go to bed or cook dinner or something else interrupting. I never understood this until now. So we both have an idea of what we need to work an and are tring too. It is coming along slowly but I know it can't happen over night and that it will take a while. My husband also thinks that maybe we spend to much time together so this summer he is sending me back to visit my family for a few days and he will follow a day or two behind....
I am resentful of the Army cause my husband never tlaked to me about joining the army. I guess i am more resentful of him than anything but we have also sat down and talked about it.... His reenlistment is comeing up and he said that if ai wanted him to not sign up again than we could talk about it and then make our descion... SO I want to thank you agian for you advice.....I think coming here will help me out.....

LonelyMom: I am so pleased that you and your spouse are talking and communicating. I know how you feel with his comment about IF you ask, we think we have asked. My spouse is the same with this area. Now, I give him the detailed help I need....Would you help with the baths tonight?
It is great he is reading the material...That is a huge blessing. After he has read more of the book, He will have the insight into your comments about the Army.
I was a Navy brat and then spouse for a long time. I know what you are feeling with his career. It is very postive that he is going to discuss things, all things with you.
Your kids are a handful right now. They are a blessing as well. I have 3 that are little stair steps as well. I know how tired you can be. Ask for help from other Mom's. Try to Mother's Morning out. Put one kid in it if you can't do both. You could ask about a babysitting co-op. You watch theirs and they watch yours...
It is also good that he is going to send your with your kids to see the family. Family is very important to the success of his career and your marriage. You, as his wife, will help further his career within the Military. Your spouse knows this and that his CO is watching HOW he is handling his family responsibilities. He is the deciding factor in promotions but many CO's are family men and they think that any soldier can and will do the JOB while taking excellent care of his family.
This is what the CO does with his men. They are his responsibilty. It shows maturity and leadership to have 'your act' squared away.
I will continue to pray for you and your spouse that your marriage continue to grow and strenthen. You have 4 great reasons to stick with it....You,spouse,child1,child2. Peace

I am new here...My husband and I have been married almost 13 years. We have 4 boys and a lot of history. He had an affair 3 years ago and broke my heart! I never gave up on fixing our marriage though because i said till death do us part and meant it not to mention the kids. He left me and went to live with her after her husband moved out. We were apart for 7 months and I didn't stop trying for the first 6 to get him to open his eyes and work things out. After draining myself emotionally for so long, I gave up and started to move on with a life that didn't include him. One day he was working on a roof and it all hit him like a ton of bricks and he called me in desperation and I went to him because I still loved him. So we got back together and got some councelling from our pastor and we re-built our relationship. It took a while but I began to trust him again. So 3 years later he has to leave the province for a bit for work. I don't want him to go but he has to do what he has to do to provide for our family. He has been gone 5 months now (home every third week-end) and his job has now become a career for him. The company he works for is going to open a branch where he is and wants him to run it. So I am very excited for him and support him all the way. The kids and I are planning to move there with him as soon as school is out in June. Well our relationship stayed strong and we were very connected for the first 4 months and now that he has this new position he has become very busy because he has a lot to learn and that is fine but suddenly he has started to treat me quite badly. He makes no time for me, he talks to me like I am a nobody and he makes cruel and disrespectful jokes at my expense. It seems as though he is on a power trip and I am paying a big price for it. He does not appreciate me or all I have done for him to get where he is today. He of course doesn't see all of this when I try to talk to him about it. So because of this treatment I am recieving, the past is suddenly haunting me and I am an emotional wreck! I refuse to give up on our marriage but I feel like the more I try to fix things the more he pulls away like I am being overbearing. I pray constantly and have tried to turn it all over to the Lord, but I am having a hard time going with the flow. I will do anything for him, our marrige and our family and he knows it! Unfortunatly I don't feel the same from him. He tells me it will be different when I move there but I need some emotional support from him now!! Any advice?? Don't know where to go from here!

LonelyMomof4Boys: I think that the distance has not helped with these issues. He is out of the day to day raising of the boys. This is very important for their future. He should be in daily contact with you and them.
I don't know why he thinks he is "all that" all of a sudden. Some men use this as a cover when they are afraid. They will push us away because of this fear.
I know how easy it is to let the past spill over into the future. Ask God to show you if there is anything in his behavior that is wrong. Then wait for God to answer. Satan is the God of confusion. Our Lord does not send us conflicting messages. I would ask God daily to protect your spouse while he is away. That he realize the important task that God has blessed him with. He is responsible for raising those boys and been your supporter.
I will pray for you and your family that God will give you the wisedom and guidance for your lives and that you all will follow his instructions. Peace