Hi,

New to the board. I need a little advice, here is my situation (this will probably end up being pretty long).

My husband and I just had our 5 year anniversary on March 27th. We have 4 kids, 5 year old twin girls, a 4 year old girl, and a 1 year old son. We have been together for 8 years total, he is 29 and I am 25.

We dated while I was in high school. He had just gotten out of the army (active). We met through mutual friends. We dated for a few months, and he broke up with me for his previous ex-girlfriend. After a month or so of that, he asked me to take him back, and I did. Things were pretty good...I graduated high school and was ready to go off to college. We broke up again mutually, I kind of figured our relationship wouldn't really go anywhere. I started school, found out I was pregnant--I think I knew the whole time, I was just in denial. Contacted him, he was ok with it. Went in for my ultrasound, and found out it was twins. One baby I could handle while in school, but I knew I couldn't deal with 2, so I quit. We met to discuss the babies, and he asked me to marry him. I didn't fall for that right away. It took me a few months before I actually told him yes I would. We moved in together. I was on bed rest, doing horribly during the pregnancy. He worked 2nd shift, and when he wasn't at work he was was either at the bar or on the internet looking at porn. I had the babies 2.5 months early.

On the odd occassion they actually took a nap at the same time, I would get on the internet once in a while to try to find mommy groups--having twins was hard for a young mom. I rarely checked the e-mail. On the one occassion I did, I found e-mails from that ex of his. He wrote to her, she wrote to him. I wasn't computer savvy at the time. The e-mails were pretty explicit. Nothing in them ever verified he was cheating on me with her, but the e-mails themselves were pretty sexual. I confronted him about it, he pussyfooted around. Basically, I ended up taking the babies and leaving. I was staying with my mom...he was at the apartment. His mother was heart broken, and basically convinced him to beg me to come back--which I did. When I got back to the apartment, he'd gone out for some reason--running an errand or whatever--the phone rings, and its HER. I said he wasn't home, but I'd take a message. She said she'd call back, which she never did to my knowledge. The conditions of me coming back were that he quit e-mailing her and cool it with the porn. I know guys "do" that, but I mean its ALL he did. He said he would.

So, we got married when the twins were 10 months old. I thought it was good. We're moving on with our lives, etc. I had a hard time staying at home with the kids all day, so I also started working. He quit his GOOD job after a few weeks because he "just couldn't work AND deal with the kids"--like I was doing. Ok, fine, my job was pretty good. So, now I'm out of the house working. I got on the internet one day...he had left this yahoo e-mail page up accidentally. So I took a quick gander, and saw e-mails to and from HER AGAIN. Again, very explicit, and these ones saying he was so happy I was out of the house, when should we meet, he couldn't stand me, etc. I didn't tell him I found them. I just kinda lost a part of myself and ignored the problem. Fast forward a few months and it happened again--this time I was pregnant. I left AGAIN. This time, he came back to me all on his own without his mommy prodding him. Again, I took him back with all these promises. Again when I came back to the house SHE called--didn't want to leave a message, she'd call back. Needless to say a part of me died--but hey, he said he'd stop. I believed him.

After the birth of our 3rd daughter, I shut down emotionally. I had always felt second best to this woman. I wouldn't have sex with him anymore, etc. He has never been there for me emotionally. He was NEVER "mean" to me, never insulted me to my face, always talked kindly about me (to everyone BUT his ex).

Well, here I am 4th child. His ex got married in 2001 and is now filing for divorce. I had honestly thought she was out of my life for good. The other day, I find he has been looking for her on the internet. I completely lost my soul.

Last night, I talk to him about the whole situation. He's mad at me because he says I "ignore" him. I am now a stay at home mom of 4 kids. He has a job where 9 months out of the year he works 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, with the occassional day Sunday off they have to give him by law--which he spends with the band he's in. He gets 2 weeks paid vacation through the year--which he doesn't take off for his kids or my birthdays, special holidays, family time--no, he takes those vacation days to play shows with his band. Every year, he gets laid off for 3 months, so now he's home all day everyday unless he's at practice or with the band. And I am ignoring him. I got used to him never being around, is that so wrong? So he starts blaming me for making him feel like crap, etc. And I just blew my stack.

I asked him if he knew how it felt to be married for 5 years to somone knowing they wanted someone else...knowing they never wanted to marry you in the first place...do you know how it feels to be second best...I told him that I knew all along all the crap he was doing behind my back, but I was just too empty to do anything about it. Basically I laid 5 years of hurt and rejection on the table, and ended it with "I'm sorry YOU feel like crap". Then...of ALL things, he says "but I love you NOW". Woohoo, lucky me, he loves me NOW. I lost everything that I was, I have lived--aside from my children--a miserable existence, and now I am supposed to jump for joy because he loves me NOW. He had nothing else to say.

I have contemplated divorce, because I truly believe this is something I'm not going to just "get over" like I've been told to do. He doesn't "fight" for me, he doesn't make me feel good... I have 4 kids, no job, have injuries from a car accident that make it hard for me to work (more like unable)...I have no family to take me in, nowhere to go, but I can't live like this. He is an excellent father, and I can't bear handing the children back and forth, having them this holiday this year and that holiday next year, etc. I don't know if I can HANDLE a divorce situation, but I know I can't handle the way things are now. Please, someone tell me what I should do.

Thanks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

If he is cheating, what can you do? Only one piece of advice here. Use two or three fors of birth control at once so you do not get pregnant again. Or, if you want no more kids, get a tubal ligation.

If you think he is cheating, you have to decide if you should leave him. That is tough. And could take a year to prepare, you know save money, etc. Surely there is some kind of job you can still do.

My heart goes out to you. Others here will give more advice and they have been through what you are going through. But please use the birth control. Two or three kinds at once. You really do not need another child right now.

Dear Shi:
I read your post and felt a lump in my throat. I know you have the children and might be thinking that saving your marriage is wise. It would be but you haven't had one. You and your spouse are legally joined but aren't married in the sense.
If I could ask...why do you take him back not once but many times? He may think this is a game to you and this is how you play it. He seems to want you most when you are kicking him to the curb. It seems like the catch and release deal.
I am sorry that your family is not helping with your situation. You have small children and a divorce would be horrible for you and them. I would hope that you both get counseling for your situation.
Your spouse can not be the 'excellent' father with his behavior towards the mother of his children. I would encourage you to speak to your pastor and get help from your church. They can be very helpful to help you become self sufficent and not need to subject yourself to this abuse.
You stated that he is not 'mean' but looking at porn and having emotional and possibly physical relationships with any other woman other than his wife is NOT NICE. He is not meeting your needs with his behavior.
I know you are young but you have to start deciding what kind of life you want for your kids. Do you want your daughters to marry a man like their father? Do you want your daughthers to feel like they ARE second class citizens? Do you want your son to seek women who are easily abused and prey on their weaknesses?
You have a huge challenge in front of you. You have to raise those kids with or without his assistance. You should try to take a night class. Start with one and go from there. Ask the church to help with childcare. There is always a resource at the church who would love to help a young mother such as yourself.
I will pray for you and your children. I do hope that you will look at the choices you have made in the past. You can either draw from the past and make poor choices, or good choices. You have been blessed with 4 children and you can make their lives and yours better. Peace