I am quickly approaching my one year anniversary and with open arms. This 1st year has been rough and I'm glad that we have made it through. My hope is that next year will be easier and better, but today especially I am not so certain.
In the last year we have dealt with a lot of issues together. Mainly my husbands issues. But they are mine too because he affects me tremendously. He has improved a lot in this year, but I am scarred. He frequently resorts to alcohol when things are tough or if he is just upset about something. It was so bad, that he would just disappear after work, never call, and show up at wee hours of the morning. We tried several avenues and finally a counselor really helped him out a lot. He got on medication for depression/anxiety and that has helped also. However, from time to time he slips. Well, that is something we can work on. But I have been hurt tremendously over the course of the year with these episodes. His selfishness in those situations burns. I don't understand how he can think solely of himself like that (even with our first child on the way). I do forgive him for his faults. But forgetting is not so easy. I live daily waiting for him to disappear, and then worry myself sick thinking he may not come home alive. I tiptoe around him in my words and deeds hoping not to upset him into drinking. Our communication has suffered tremendously. Our affection and time together is very little. Anytime he wants to go off and do something I freak out because I think he is going to drink. Or worse I think that he might have someone on the side who doesn't upset him or who isn't 8 months pregnant and difficult to be attracted to. I try so hard to trust him and know that these are things in the past. I try to go on with our marriage as it once was. Beautiful, loving, best friends. We do have our good times, but then out of nowhere, he'll do it again. And I just want to give up. I definately do not want to get a divorce. He is the man for me. The only man for me. But I feel like I have to choose between not caring or being hurt. And I am tired of hurting. I just want to not care. I want to let him do as he pleases and just box myself up so that none of it affects me. I'm at a loss. I want to approach him with the idea of being counseled together, or even reading some books, doing the workbook, or the at home course. But I'm tired of fixing everything. I didn't marry him to be his mother. And soon I will be too busy being our childs mother to bother. I am so worried that I will be parenting this precious baby alone. Is there any hope?

UnoAno

I'm sorry to hear all the trouble you're going through. I've been there and it feels like hell. I'm sure you're fed up with trying to "fix" everything. I've been there too. It has taken four years for my H to get started really looking at himself and seeing his behavior and how it affects me. But it has finally happened. There were times when the biggest fights we had were because I was the one working on things. And I'll have to admit, there are still times when my H slips and goes back to the same old way of doing things. But they are getting fewer and farther between.

There are lots of times I told my H i was tired of being his mother. That it was time for him to grow up. It didn't help. It wasn't until there was no other way to look but up that he started working on things too. It was work on it or it was over. I had no friends, no family support, and the only "friend?" I had at church got tired of all of the trouble we were going through. I was falling apart. Maybe you can bypass some of the bad stuff.

First you have to be honest with him about your fears. If he doesn't listen well when the two of you talk, then maybe it would be best for you to sit down and think it through carefully and yes watch the way you express it all to him. Make sure you don't make any disrespectful judgements towards him in all of it. Just let him know your scared and tired. Let him know you need him and love him. But at the same time, don't let this be a time when you let yourself be vulnerable enough to fall apart if he isn't ready yet. It's tough, but you can make it through.

If you have any friends, let them know you need them too right now. If you don't it could be one hell of a ride before it's all resolved. Just be prepared if things don't go the way you hope. Be thankful if they do.

As for being too busy taking care of a baby to bother with it all, that's one you will have to work on. Yes taking care of a baby is hard work. I had my first one one month after my 17th birthday. But everything will still have to be worked on. That's why I said if you have friends, they could really help ease the load.

Right now I'm 37, been married twice before: the first one I got shoved into by my mom - I broke it off as soon as the baby was about a year old. The second one - H was an army pilot, an abusive H and I stayed with him anyway because I felt worthless - he cheated, refused to stop and I finally told him after six months of it all that he had to chose. He chose the OW. I stayed single with two kids (ages 1 and 6 at time of D) for ten years. When I married again, there were issues to deal with again. After four years things are beginning to improve. So it could take a while.

The two of you know each other a little better than when you first started out so the more you can work things out the better.

Don't give up. Even when you're so mad you could bust something, sometimes you have to take a "time out" for yourself and go on and do things you resent having to do. I have many times over - but it is finally paying off.
Like I said, don't give up. Hang in there.

Take Care
JNB

Thanks for the encouragement, JNB.
I suppose I am lucky because I have a very willing husband who wants to be better. And he is trying, but those slips just make the month of good disappear. I approached him regarding some counseling, suggesting we start at home with some of the activities that this site offers. I hope it will really help him to see how much his behavior affects me. I understand that men think totally different than women but I have a hard time expressing things to him because I do not want to make him feel worse. And I feel that I am who needs to work on the forgiveness of him, and redeveloping trust in him, and I hate to hold the past over his head while I get over these things. So I am hoping that the activities can bring some of that out in a non-threatening way. Thanks Again for the vote of confidence.

UnoAno,

Something I just thought about - Have you told your H that his drinking scares you. I guess it probably does?
There is something that he is using the alcohol to try to escape from. Somewhere inside he feels trapped. No, alcohol is not the answer, but being a person that has used it in the past in similar situations, I thought it might help you to understand where he is coming from. He needs help with the alcohol if he's not headstrong enough to throw it away. Thankfully I was strong enough to do that. I did have to get help for my anxiety disorder. Generally that is what made things blow up big enough that I didn't feel like I could handle them. Let him know I'll try to help in any way I can, maybe he could trust someone whose already been there.

As for you I really feel for you. I know what it's like to have something totally ruin the good that has built up, and lose it all again. It HURTS! Right now things are a little rough between my H and me. He's bad with words and puts his foot in his mouth a lot. So right now it helps to have another female to talk to. Even if it isn't about what's going on with me. I'd rather focus on the things I can see in other situations to help other people. I guess in some ways that's kind of like therapy for me. It helps me get away from my own problems for a little while. Until I feel strong enough to handle them again.

What kind of activities are you talking about you two doing?
Do you have any of Dr. Harley's books?
There is an emotional needs questionaire on this site. You will have to download the adobe program if you don't already have it. But the questionaire might help some.
Dr Harley would let the two of you know to go over the need for affection and set up a plan to follow to have that need fulfilled and then move on to sexual fulfillment, doing the same thing. And of course he says that the two of you need at least those 15 hrs of undivided attention spent with each other. And that in that time you have to leave out the bad stuff, just focus on the good for that time. Then set up a time to discuss the stuff that bothers both of you.
I hope things go well for the two of you. Let me know if you've got any questions I might be able to answer.
God Bless
JNB