First of all, I don't want to go to a counselor. I think we both think things through very well as it is and don't need someone repeating what I already know....

My W and I have been together for 7 years, 1.5 of those years married. Though it seemed like after the marriage things sorta became a letdown. During that time I had gone through some serious emotional trauma with what my W had went through. She was helping a friend at a Fertility clinic and taking lots of hormones to get the egg count up. She takes medication for depression too, so you can imagine what this did to her later. After the procedure of donating the eggs (which didn't work) hell came to my door. Because of the medicine she was taking and the procedure and how it hit her after the procedure she became emotionally detached from me for a while and spent time with someone for a couple weeks behind my back before I found out myself what was going on (repeat cellphone calls to an unknown and not answering my calls... odd). She even spoke to me at one point just before I found out and said she didn't think she loved me anymore, as in IN love, not just love like a friend. This deeply hurt me and even more when I found out what the hell she'd been up to. When I did find out I dropped out of my Summer class I was taking and got all my stuff out of the apartment within a few hours while she was at work. Eventually she became hospitalized when she became suicidal and tried cutting herself with a shaving razor and was admitted for a couple days to a psychiatric facility. After a bit of counseling for her she wanted to get back together with me and save our marriage. I didn't want to let her go, but was so SO emotionally hurt by the words and events and other stuff she'd put me through over that 4 months of time. I really wasn't having a good life.

It has been almost 1 year today and lately I have been feeling this emptiness. I just don't feel it anymore. I think part of it is because of what I had gone through and at times I just can't stop thinking about what she did to me. It's not exactly like breaking a glass and just cleaning it up and moving on. This was a serious amount of emotional distress that was placed on me and I am the one having to live with this scar for the rest of my life. I know if she ever did this to me again I'd be gone.

I'm not clinically depressed nor am I being treated for anything. I can talk to my freinds and have a laugh any day, so I know I'm not depressed at the world. Though our president's doing enough to make it a depressing country to live in.... but that's another topic <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I know we have a history. We get along so well and she's funny and a cool person to be with, but my heart doesn't feel right anymore. My insides are turning and I just don't know if I'm feeling anything anymore. I am extremely worried. Our whole family gets along so well and we never fight. I am just not feeling much of anything anymore and I don't know what I should do. I've always been fine doing things on my own. I just don't know what I should do. I'm both numb and saddened over this feeling at the same time. I wouldn't know how to approach her and try talking about this. I just don't feel loving anymore. There's nothing bad now, but so much changed last year from about March to August that really took a beating on my insides.

Please help. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I don't want to feel the way I do anymore either. It's such a heavy feeling I don't know how to solve it.

<small>[ June 07, 2004, 01:06 AM: Message edited by: Spirit of Ben ]</small>

Spirit of Ben,

I'm sorry to hear of all you've been through. I'm dealing with the same trouble with my emotions right now. Not because of my H cheating on me, but because the things that happened were so devastating that I can't link back up with him, no matter how hard I try. I've been to a psychiatrist to get an evaluation on my emotional standing and even the psychiatrist said there are no signs of deep depression, no psychiatric disorders, some anxiety but not enough that she wanted to start me on meds - no problems that made her think I needed to be on meds. I asked her for something anyway because my family dr thought a mild dose of buspar might slow down my response time to some of the things going on around me. So far the only thing it has helped with is in helping me deal with the enormous anger I feel inside towards the whole situation. For some reason I let myself become depressed, grieve and get it over with. I can have all the other emotions involved in life but I can't make myself feel "close" to anyone. The best I've done is to let one friend (male) in just a little. I can't even let myself have an affair. The emotions won't come. I can't let myself dream about a man at all - not ant man. It's all just blocked out for some reason and in respects to an affair I'm thankful. At least I don't have to deal with the thoughts of doings something like that that I would regret later.
I can't offer any advice on what to do, if I could maybe I could change myself. But I did want to let you know that you're not alone. Maybe you can do what I do until things get better somewhere - just keep hanging in there like a wet sock. That's all I can do for now and it don't feel good but I haven't been able to change mine either.
Lots of luck with everything!
jnb

oops! I meant to write I "can't" let myself become depressed and grieve the whole thing.
jnb

Thanks for your reply.

I just don't know how to let it go. I know in life you need to forgive, but for some reason I just cannot seem to let this go. I feel that if I bring this up after 6-8 months of not talking about it she may get extremely angry with me or not talk to me at all.

Seriously though... we never fight and always get along very well. She hasn't been extremely well with comforting me when I'm down. She never really knows what to do, so I get myself through it. I just feel as if I've been poisoned with nothing to help extract the ever so slow pain. It's one of those things you don't realize is bugging you so much until it gets to build up enough for you to notice. I just wish I knew what I should do. Ugh...

I just don't want to feel like this and eventually she's going to know something's up and whatever I'm feeling isn't normal and will want to talk about it, but how do you just answr, "Yes, well remember one year ago when all that crap happened? It's still eating at me." How does one take that. Will she think I've been just hiding it for a year? She knows I was deeply hurt my it, but at the same time didn't make any additional effort on her part, though she has never done anything since then. A lot had to do with the procedure she had and having the mega post-depression thing with donating her eggs to someone. If she never did that none of thsi would have happened because she certainly wasn't acting like herself. However before this occurrence there was something that happened a month before her start of the procedure when she went with some girlfriends for a bachelorette party and ended up making out with someone and waking up the next morning with one of her friends at an apartment, but not having done anything. It still bugged me A LOT. She somehow feels she missed out on a part of her life and needed to do something like that. It REALLY p#ssed me off. So when this procedure happened and everything went bad this was actually the second time something happened.

How does one make amends to the past when you're constantly reminded every day by being with the person you are with? Even when I watch movies and anyone mentions anything about cheating I am always reminded. I just don't want to remember. I'm tired.

One thing you could work on alone is writing it all out in a letter. (this is something my counselor had me do) Anyway, write a letter expressing just how mad you are- and he said maybe even a litter madder because we tend to play down feelings when we write and don't really want to feel them- and then get off to yourself and pretend you are reading it to her (actually write the letter like you were writing it to her). After that just keep on reading it several times a day out loud (off by yourself) until it doesn't see, to affect you anymore when you remember it all. It helped in a lot of the issues I had to work on. One thing though - you do need to let her know that something is bothering you and that you need some time to work through it. Let her know you might be cranky for a few days, that you are trying to get rid of some bad memories that keep haunting you. If she asks then you can tell her just enough to let her know what it's all about and let her know these are not feelings you want to keep inside, that you want to get them out of your system and don't want hwe to get hurt in the process.
hope this helps!
jnb