I am rescently engaged to the best partner in the world. I am struggling with being engaged and not having an official date set and not much talk about setting a date. We have been wanting marriage for quite some time and we have agreed to get married over a year ago. I can't tell how serious she is about the marriage anymore and it is driving down into emotional depression. I don't want to seem to pushy to get married. I pretty much let her bring up the discussion and I respond as much as possible. I need help in understanding how to handle this process of setting the wedding date. We are living together while waiting for my condo to get finished with renovations. We were involved in sexual intimacy but agreed to stop almost a year ago. We have stuck to no sexual relations until married and managed living together without breaking the rules. Living together since May 15, 2004, engaged on May 16, 2004.The living together, being engaged and no sexual intimacy is wearing on my emotions. I love her very, very much and she loves me the same. I am just loosing patience with NOT being married but living like we are except for the sexual part. HELP!!!!! Why we are not married excuses. Waiting on my divorce agreement to get corrected out of fear my new wife would be responsible financually. Many other problems stemming from my divorce a year ago. All problems have ran their course and no date yet. I have even managed to discuss with her that my plan was to be married before the end of this year. She didn't disagree but never responded in a way that would further the discussion. I will also turn 40 this year and am excited to have found true love in my life and very excited about our future. Am I being to impatient?

<small>[ June 11, 2004, 03:17 PM: Message edited by: compartsvc ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Am I being to impatient? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You ARE rushing.
Impatient? Sounds like it.

Second time marriages have an even higher divorce rate than first time marriages. We're talking something like a 75% failure rate. What makes you think you're going to succeed this time?
Why not slow down?
Don't let your decision to wait on sex cause you to rush into another marriage. If your main reason for wanting to get this marriage thing going is to satisfy your sexual frustrations, I think you are getting married for the wrong reasons.
My big qualm with no premarital sex is that couples overlook the many other important factors of marriage because sex becomes such a big issue of its own. The very natural need for sex becomes overpowering and you neglect other important areas of compatibility and emotional needs. I'm not saying you should have sex, but I am saying that your very natural need for sex should not cause you to rush into marriage...especially your second marriage.

Start here:
WHY do you want to get married?

You are still in the infactuation stage of your relationship. You two still have so much to learn about each other. SLOW DOWN. You don't want to screw up again, do you? Then make sure you are being very smart about this.

Smile

Ok, I will start with my dates!
Me: 39
Her:36
Started relationship: 09/13/01 (sexually active)
Stopped sexual activity: 09/30/03
Engaged: 05/16/04
Marriage date: 10/16/04 (just discussed Saturday)

This is not about Sex! As you can see by the dates above I have had plenty of time to consider and experience my partner. I am now ready to move on with marriage. I don't need more time to help me decide if I love this person enough to warrant a successfull marriage. I do and have loved her since day one and the same for her. My 2 reasons for moving on with marriage are, I love her and she loves me and we do want children preferablly before her 75 year old parents are not with us anylonger. Resticting all sexual intimacy out of obedience is wearing on me as well. A man completes and fullfills his expression of love for his spouse through making love. There are many things I do outside of love making that are a BIG part of expressing my love for her but the act of making love completes it all for a man. This is very similar to a 17 year old owning his first car but can't drive it because he doesn't have a license. All he can do is polish it and sit in it and take care of it but never drive. I hope you understand.
We did have a heart to heart discussion about setting a date and did set a date for October 18. I had to talk with her about it because it was affecting our relationship and she could tell. I am also going to schedule some visits to a counselor during the time we have before the wedding date.

Congratulations on getting a date set! That's exciting! If you are going to plan a big wedding, that's a little soon, but I'm guessing that it will be pretty small being a second marriage.

What I don't understand is the dates. You said you got divorced last year, but you started having sex with this woman three years ago. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />
Did you have an affair? If you were having a relationship before you divorce, my guess is YES!
Very few marriages that begin as an affair survive. There is a lot about this within the MB web site.

One other thing, why aren't you having sex? You had sex for years and then stopped. Why?

My biggest concern in your situation is that this relationship was born out of infidelity...born out of lies. Then again, maybe I'm way off base and just need more information to go off of.

Take care,
Smile

You guessed it! There was an affair, infidelity and tons of lies. All of this corruption (sin) was the catalist for removing the sin and seeing what happens to our current relationship. I was in a marriage I shouldn't have been for 15 years and it was sin, sex, alcohol and no true unity or companionship. This marriage was brought about by sin as well and developed into a family of 3 kids with parents who didn't have thier our relationship together. My reasons for marriage 15 years ago was the fact that she got pregnant because of our sexual immorality. Back then I was doing the responsible thing by getting married regardless of the relationship. I have learned that mistake and have decided along with my fiance to remove the corruption (sin) and sexual activity to see how the relationship develops. Since that time the relationship has been blessed and headed in the right direction for success. I love this person more then I have ever loved anyone and I, plus her, put ourselves into this situation. We love each other enough to work very hard at getting out of the crap that will cause failure. I still look back at my previous marriage and wish it I could have done the same for it but it takes 2 to make this happen and I didn't love my X enough to make the effort.

I have really enjoy discussing this with you. It helps a great deal. Thank you so much!

As you prepare for this marriage, take advantage of this wonderful relationship resource. I am so glad I found this web site when I did. Read everything on this web site and bring your fiance here. Discuss EVERYTHING. You have found someone so much better than your first marital partner, but you will still have problems to work through. Take this opportunity to be one step up on all of those problems.
Don't make assumptions. Share every expectation. Realize that you are coming in at a very severe disadvantage because of baggage, infidelity, and a failure to make your last marriage work. Realize that and make sure it doesn't happen again by not leaving any stone unturned. This amazing love you have will waiver. You will have difficult times. You need to have more than love in order to work together and rebuild love during those rough times...something that obviously wasn't there in your last marriage, so it is something you need to discover from scratch.
How will you make things work when one or both of your lovebanks are empty? Plan on that happening at least once and be prepared to work for that love that feels so natural right now after such a horrible, loveless marriage.

I'm so much younger and less experienced than you, so I hope that maybe some of this will be helpful. I've spent a lot of time on these boards and have my BS in family and marital therapy, so I haven't been through what you are going through and wish you all the best.

Thanks for all your help! Yes, I will take your advise and use this web site for both of us to work on. Combine this web site with the wonderful marrital counseling we a about to go through from a professional and I know we will be just fine.