Hello All,
I am a new user to marriage builders forum, but am very familiar with the website.

I have a very huge problem within my marriage. My husband and I have been married for about two years in August. I has been over a month and a half since we have made love. It usually goes that long in between time.

He always is willing and ready to make love, he's not the problem, it's me. I find myself always making excuses of why I don't want to. Whether it be I'm too tired, don't feel fresh enough (ladies you know what I mean), not the right time ANY and EVERY thing not to. Don't get me wrong we when eventually do make love it's fine, I can't complain and most of the time it's great. It's getting started and being consistne is what I have a problem with.

This has been an ongoing problem since the beginning of our marriage. Anytime he mentions it now I become defensive and selfish. I don't know why my husband and I aren't making love often or why I don't feel the need to. We have taken the emotional needs questionaire and I know this is in his top two. I just find problems doing it.

We had a huge argument the other day (one of many) about this and he now thinks that I don't find him attractive and that's the reason of why we aren't making love. I DON'T KNOW WHY WE AREN'T MAKING LOVE! He's attractive physically, bu somethings different. I know relationships are always great in the beginning, but we didn't have this problme then. I feel awful because I know as a man this is something he needs and even more worse because I feel selfish that I'm not meeting this need.

I'm going crazy, I don't know what to do or where to begin. ANYONE OUT THERE PLEASE HELP! I don't want to loose my husband and don't want him to feel that he has to cheat on me to get his needs fulfilled, but honestly couldn't blame him if he did. I'm so sad and afraid of what's to come.

Hello,

I applaud you for wanting to try to make an effort to meet your H's needs... Some spouses are not willing to do this.

I suggest that you think about what stage you have a problem with...
Is it?
1. Desire
2. Arousal
3. Plateau
4. Orgasm
From your post, I would guess it is desire. So you might consider thinking about what you were thinking about or doing when you did have desire.

If you really want help, I suggest a book called, "A Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex", by Barbara Keesling.

Good luck, and I am sure that it will work out. You are obviously interested in being a good wife.

fisch0826,

What has changed since you got married?

do you still sit and talk like you did while dating and when you first got married?

Or do you come in sit in front of the tv and veg out?

do you spend the same amount of time doing things together that you did while dating and first married or have things become rather routine?

Think back to what your over all relationship was like during the time your sex life was better--
and I'm sure you'll find something has changed--
and it's probably the amount of actual time you devote to one another--with out the distractions of daily life---

My Problem is the opposite. My husband wont have sex with me. I am left feeling alone hurt and undesired as your husband may feel. Its interesting hearing it from the other side. I think that from how you explained it, it comes from your own self esteem, or confidence. Try putting on really sexy undergarments, dressing up and going out with your husband. Then when you get home reveal to him how sexy you are. This will make you feel good all night and he will absolutly love it. (wearing something sexy under my clothes always makes me feel better)

fisch,

You'll have to pardon me for a minute here as I try to tell you something very vital, from personal experience.

I have been through this as the wife, & it still ranks as pretty much the most devastating and cruel thing my husband ever did to me. To say NO to that consistently is to reject the other person at their very core. There is no other more vulnerable position to be in than when you are rejected by your spouse. I will also tell you from personal experience that you are setting him up for an affair. (I did not ever cheat on my husband but there was a time when it was very, very hard.)

Here is what I will tell you. If you want a happy marriage, then tell him YES every single day, whether you feel like it or not. They don't care, as a general rule (unless he tells you otherwise) how 'fresh' you are. Sometimes soap & water wash away some pheremones & smells that make men kinda crazy. If it bothers you that much, start making a point to be showered every single day when you are on your way to bed.

If you don't use it, you'll lose it. I challenge you to initiate sex with him every single day for two weeks. Like getting a booster shot, for both of you. Make it your gift to him. If he doesn't get turned down so often he'll probably stop wanting it so often!

I have to say, sex in my marriage didn't get really good until after about two years. Now we are not as often as I would still like, but I can't remember the last time it didn't end with a satisfying conclusion for me.

Here is the hard thing I will say to you. If your most important emotional need was conversation, you would really expect your husband to make an effort to talk to you on a daily basis even if it were the last thing he wanted to do when he got home. There's NO excuse for rejecting him in this way. If that is his #2 need, then you are being as cruel as any man who is rude or insensitive to his wife.


Wendy

--who hopes you will both work on meeting each other needs (all of them) a bit more . . . and have a wonderful marriage

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Oh sure! Definitely you should just put out every time he asks, and to heck with whether you want it or not. Give it to him, or he'll have an affair. I'm sorry, but in my experience, this is not going to help you at all.

If she just gives it to him each and every time he asks, while she has no desire, and most likely has some unmet needs, she is setting herself up for a sexual aversion. She develops an aversion and her problems are going to be even worse, and so will his, after all they are a team in this.

Fisch, try and think more about sex, try sexy lingerie etc, but I think you have unmet needs. Follow TRs advice, think back on times when the SF was good, what was going on in the relationship? Take the questionnares etc, figure out what is really the underlying problem. You are doing a great thing in coming here and looking for help.

Dear Fisch - perhaps go see your doctor, there is a prescription now that helps women get there sex drive back although I am sorry I don't remember the name of it- perhaps there is a chemical imbalance. If not then I would go to an IC - alot of times with us women it is all emotional, if something is not right, if we are treated poorly, the drive is not there, perhaps you just can see what it is right now but a counsellor may help you, could be depression

a month and a half is way too long to go - for you and your husband - think of it as not sex but making love, let us know how you do - Sandy

<small>[ July 09, 2004, 06:49 AM: Message edited by: sl000 ]</small>