My husband and I have only been married for 2 months. I love him very much and i think he loves me to. The problem is that i am just learning more about his past and i can't handle it. It breaks my heart. Also i'm finding out that he has lied to me about his past and now is starting to tell me different thing about his cheating with a former girl friend of 3 years. Also we are having trouble with our sexual relationship. The thing he wants me to do i can't and we have no passion. help me

What kind of past? Are you the person that he has cheated on? How long were you guys together before you got married? Please try to leave a more detailed post so we can understand and help you better

We have been together for 8 months and married for 2. I am 25 and this is my 3rd marriage and i have 3 beautiful boys. He on the other hand is 20 and this is only his second serious relationship. I love him very much and i am pretty sure he loves me to. The problem is his past sexual relationships. The girl he dated before me he was with for 3 years with he cheated on her for 11 months. The first story he told me that he cheated on her one time and felt so guilty he couldn't do it again. Then the other night he told me about the 11 month fling he had when he dated her. This isn't the first time he has lied to me the first time was about the number of sexual partners he's had. Our marriage is ok but our sex life is where the problems are. I have very low self esteem and every since he told me about this fling i have been curious about how she looks and what all she could do in bed that i can't. This is my major problem i try so hard to give him everything he want in bed but i can't. He has told me maybe i need to get a girlfriend. But just so he could watch. I think thats bull. I think he wants to be with someone else. He never really come out and told me that he has never been with 2 girls at the same time but he implyed it. But other night he told me he had been with 2 girls at once. At first i thought it was a fantasy for him to be with 2 girls but then after he told me he has already done that i felt like i'm not enough for him. We have very little passion in bed. We never kiss or anything. One of the big issues we have is anal sex he wants it and it hurts so bad for me. I have tryed and tryed but i can't. When i can't it makes me feel really bad and it makes me feel like less of a woman because i can't satify my husband the way he wants to be satified. HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!

wow... this is really crazy that i'm the one that answered ur post. This sounds almost identical to the situation that I am in right now, but I am from the guy's side. I am sure you are a beautiful woman, and his desire for a threesome is nothing against you, I assure you. I have expressed my want for a threesome with my girlfriend of 2 years as well. It isn't because i do not love her, its a want for some sort of sexual excitement. I have not ever cheated and had an affair with a woman ever before so i can't identify with that, however, I can sympathize. Understand this: Just because he cheated on a girlfriend from before, DOES NOT mean that he will do it again. So please, do not worry yourself.

He has told you it was a one night stand, because of course who would volunteer that info and let you be uneasy as you are now. In bed, you say you do everything you can do to please him... this sounds very one sided and he sounds rather selfish, looking after only his needs. Suggesting you get a girlfriend is pretty much every guys fantasy. Almsot every young guy wants to see and be with two women getting it on, fact of life. This is a very exciting concept for a young male. However, by no means does it mean that you should be pressured into it just because he wants it. If you are not comfortable with it, DO NOT DO IT. It will only drag you guys lower and lower. You will start to think like you already are about the Ex. Is she better, why is he doing that to her and not me etc. I suggest not doing it at all. Even though a threesome is soemthing that i know i would enjoy, really its just a selfish want.

Now, about anal. I can sympathize with this plight too, as I do enjoy anal and sometimes it does hurt my girlfriend, but because i love her i dont' pressure her into it. At the time that we try it, if its not working, I can sometimes get frustrated, which is only sexual frustration. If you really want to work on this, you can buy an Anal toy from a local sex shop. My girlfriend picked up a toy that looks like a hybrid of anal beads and a dildo. It gets progressively bigger beads as it gets to the base of the toy, which you can practice with. for one week, practice getting the first 3 in, then next week try for one more etc. This will help out. I don't know how thick he is, so i can't say for sure. Also you need a HELL OF A LOT OF LUBE, and patience of course... take it very slow.

Now back to the relationship aspect. 25/20 is far too young to get married and this should be a lesson you should be learning after failing your second one and being in your third at only 25. Don't rush into marriage and treat it as something very sacred, reserved for only the greatest of all men. It really does sound like you are really rushing into some bad situations... Being togethr for only 8 months and getting married?? VERY bad choice. I can understand commiting yourself to someone, but face it, things don't always work out, and marriage is a gritty thing to get out of. The first 4 months are the honeymoon stage of the relationship, at least thats how long it lasted for me. You really don't see the person for who they are until you've been with them for a long time. "nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them" Once the love-goggles fade, you can see what and who the person really is. But its a little too late for that.

Talk to him about how all this makes you feel, and that he needs to kindly take care of some of your needs and reassure you if he wants to continue to be with you for this marriage. He wants to be with you or wouldn't be married, but he sounds like he is too young/immature for marriage if he doesn't know how to properly take care of his woman. Good luck with this, and hope i could be of some help, reply back on progress, other probs etc

Hi Heartbroken,

I would also recommend reading everything that you can in the MB pages, about Emotional Needs, Love Busters, the Policy of Joint Agreement etc.

Sex, like everything else in the marriage should never just be about what *he* wants or what *you* want but rather what you both can agree about enthusiastically.

You have only known each other for eight months, so you will continue to learn things about each other that make you happy, or sad. The idea is to use such knowledge constructively.

Try moving this over--or posting again--on the "Emotional Needs" boards.

By the way...anal and threesomes sound (to me) like a 20 year old boys idea of a porn fantasy, and less to do with a mutually satisfying and exciting marital sex life. Perhaps you can gently urge your husband to explore what pleases YOU and gives YOU confidence?

Hugs,
Eleanor

I recommend www.famtoday.com, including "Marriage on the Rock", "Return to Intimacy", etc. The two of you should start listening to the online or TV programs by J./K. Evans.

It is unfortunate that he wasn't honest with you until now, and how it shakes your trust/love. What is his attitude about his sexual past?
(1) Is he coming forth with the truth now because he feels guilty for having been dishonest and , so he's repentant, and seeking your forgiveness? OR,
(2)Is he talking like it was o.k. and bringing it up because he is expecting you to treat him sexually as he had before? (this would be wrong, of course!!)

Depending on which one, you will choose your response. And your response must be from a position of strength, not out of insecurities. I would recommend that you journal this out, prayerfully thinking of how you should respond.

One thing I want to emphasize is that he chose to marry you, not anyone else, and that makes you above the rest--you are his covenant wife. Do not compare yourself to anyone else, but you be the special wife that only you are.

Sexuality isn't foremost about "positions in bed"...it is about the spirituality between you both and God...and expressing that depth, that oneness, that respect, love, etc for each other as persons, not just playing with bodies.

I recommend a tape set, www.gwwm.com "What God has Joined Together"...the first tape is about sexuality..listen to this together!!!! Your husband needs to deal with his history and how this affects you, and if he doesn't do it right, there will be consequences as you already are feeling between the two of you. Don't wait any longer...listen to this tape.

You have to work on your self-esteem...get counsel if you have to, and I recommend, Bruce Narramore's book, You're someone Special. Your husband is also responsible for building you up as a person--there's a book called Building Your Mate's Self-Esteem (not sure of the author...if it is Norman Wright?). The husband should care how she feels and provide security in his love for her--I mean, you shouldn't have to say "I think he loves me" (as you wrote twice)...it needs to get to where you exclaim "I KNOW THAT HE LOVES ME & I AM SECURE IN HIS LOVE FOR ME." That is your husband's job that goes along with your job of building your own self-esteem/security. Remember, yours must first be based on the valuableness God gave you when he created you...and so you can love yourself and then also love your husband....and...

If your husband is repentant, God's love includes the mercy to forgive your husband's past and for the two of you to grow into oneness.

<small>[ July 10, 2004, 02:23 PM: Message edited by: Renae ]</small>

I feel like giving up. I am the W/S. I just don't know where to start but i am so desperate and confused i need someone to help me here. THIS IS A VERY GROSS STORY OF WHAT I DID: I disclosed my past in Jan 2004.
My partner and i have been together (off & on) for 5 years. When we met I still had my 2 children living with me and it was very limited the time we saw each other. He had openly told me that he was going overseas for a year or so. He had his perception of what our relationship was however it was a different message to what i got.(and since my disclosure did i know all of this) We had a nasty breakup just before he left and i saw him once over the next 14 months.
Over that time i was pretty feral (different men and crazy behaviour). When we saw each other again he believed we pick up from where we left off (only now he tells me he told me in a night club that we should sort our stuff out - that was his way of assuming we were a couple again) however i never got that message. i never disclosed what i had been doing whilst he was away and i never asked what he had been doing (i did find out he took his business partner o/s with him)i continued to talk to other guys, i had already joined a dating agency and continued on. him & i spoke occasionally and it wasn't until he asked me to meet him whilst he was travelling that i put the dating agency on hold, only then did i think 'maybe we are going to get it together'.
We went away together however never discussed 'us' or what the future held. The day i was due to leave he tells me that his business partner (of 15 years - female) was meeting him and that another female friend was maybe meeting along the way. I left with a feeling of 'i'm just another companion'. When the business partner was with him he wouldn't call and speak (as he felt uncomfortable) and as soon as she left we would talk.
I meet him on another part of his trip, and it was on that trip that we had a discussion about 'other relationships' and he had asked me early on in our relationship and i had said i didn't have any boyfriends. I had had one night stands before him but i never considered them relationships - he felt i mislead him because they are.
I returned home and never heard from him for a week or so, he was cold and rude. He finally arrived back into town and never called me for a couple of days, when we did speak i asked where he was living, his response (with the female business partner). He lived with her for the next 4-5mnths. In that time i had a birthday (he never took me out or celebrated, i had organised a group of people and he declined) our time together was a couple of drinks over the road from his work, our sexual encounters where degrading. he was heavily involved with business stuff, i would plead for him to spend time with me but he was too busy.
In that 5 month time i met a guy who i spent time with over 5 days and there was no sex involved however i decided this was a big mistake and told him i would not see him again. I then had a work function and a guy i had been with before i met up with and spent the night with him and never told my partner. I have always been told by him that he keeps his business world and private world seperate, therefore I am not involved in anything that has to do with his business (functions either out or at his home); in the 5 month period, he would go to functions business and personal and take his business partner.(if i would confront him about it i would be told 'deal with it') i still am not allowed to have his phone number ; his business partner is and she calls often (not for business) if any one calls whilst i am at his place there is no acknowledgement that i am there. in the early days he did invite me for drinks after work however he said after i stuffed him around in 1999 he doesn't do that anymore.
Dec 2000 we had an arguement because my girlfriends in a discussion with my girlfriends he heard what my plans were for new years eve (i hadn't got a chance to tell him as i had only made the plans that afternoon after waiting for him to tell me what he was doing - not to be with me)so he left in a huff and i thought stuff it and contacted a guy i met in the July and had a 10 days affair with him.i knew there was something odd about this guy but i didn't care i just wanted to be wanted; i wanted to have a relationship with someone who would want to include me, involve me, share his life and share mine - yes there was something very odd which i don't need to spell out. i ended the relationship. i then contacted another guy i had been with however i spelled it out 'no sex' i just wanted someone to do things with. then in a disillusioned night out this guy tried his hardest to win me over and i just wasn't interested; however the guy i had been 'just friends' with saw me and confronted me and i told him to just go away (after many sms and 1 call that was that) i came home with this guy and i told him no sex however it happened.
the next morning i said to my girlfriend - that was that i don't want to live my life like this. about 5 weeks later i called my partner (we had spoken only 1-2 over 4 months) and from that time i decided i just want him.
the issue with the business partner continued, he went away for a weekend (took her because she was a friend of his friend as well but never discussed it made me think he was going for a boys weekend) has had gaterings at his house and i was told i couldn't be there as she was there and it is a business function (personal day to day friends as well).
so i disclosed in jan 2004; unfortunately because i have some much to disclose, information was all over the shop, i produced phone accounts from 1998 to now which painted an awful picture.
we have now got to a point over the last 4 weeks that he is asking me 'if there is something that i have mislead him about; not told to tell him'. and because i can't he says there has to be more lies and cheating (because some of your stories were incorrect until we got the phone accounts) and i just can't come up with anything further. what more can i do. it is a horrific story; a story i have trouble accepting - god knows why he can't.

SORRY the typo at the end of my story; i have trouble accepting my story - god knows he can't either.