I need some advice on how to handle this problem im haveing with my husband. We've been married for a year and our sex life is having problems. i m very up set about it because when we talk to people they keep making comments about how we're still newley weds and we should be haveing sex like 3-4 times a day!!! BUT it's comepletely the opposite. We don't sex as much as either one of us would like. Alot of it is because our schedules conflict. I like sex in the morning but he likes it in the evening....BUT im up for work at 5am and he's still sleeping. Where as he's home from work around 10-11pm.....im ready to go to sleep.
When we work something out our sex life is good....but he's gets picky and starts complaining like it's all my fault. I take responsibilty most of the time and after we argue about it i do things for him but i never get anything in return. He wants it when HE wants it...all i ask for is a little romance. Something to turn me on and make me want him!!! The other day i brought that problem to him and got upset and mad like i was attacking him. He said things that really hurt my feelings....he told me that I DON"T DO ANYTHING that turns him on, when he climaxes it's BECAUSE he's a man and he can control when he can and can't, and that my heart isn't in it.
By that time im in tears....and til this day he feels he did nothing wrong. I told him how much he hurt my feelings but his attitude hasn't changed. Now i feel like less that a woman...like i can't please my husband....BUT when we do have sex he's in to it and everything NO PROBLEM....i don't know what to think. Everytime i even think about kissing him or touching him those words go through my mind.....WHAT DO I DO????

Hi babyface,
Sorry you didn't get a response sooner. This forum is pretty slow. I'd recommend reposting in the Emotional Needs forum.

First off, that whole newlywed 3-4 times a day...a crock. Who cares how many times other couples have sex. What is important is how often you and your spouse want/need sex to be happy. Only the two of you can determine how much sex is enough sex.

You both need to listen to each other's feelings. He isn't listening or responding to you and that will continue to hurt you and build resentment until the love you have for him hits rock bottom. Please take a look at the Lovebuster's and Emotional Needs questionnaire on this web site. If you go into the Emotional Needs forum and look at the New Member thread at the top, you'll find tips on how to take those questionnaires without making things worse.

There is so much wonderful information on this site. Read as much as you can. There are lot of things you can do to work on yourself while you are also trying to communicate with your husband.

Good luck!
Smile

Thanx Smile a Day,

i was wondering if anyone cared!!! I have been reading alot of books and reading the different topics people on here talk about. It's helping....it gonna be hard to get back to where we were but in time i think things will be back to the way they were. I really blew up at him about hurting me a couple days ago. I think he finally understands now. We'll see!

Oh good...I was worried you might have disappeared after your post got neglected. Head over to the Emotional Needs forum...you should get more responses over there.
Good luck!

Hey Babyface,
I have a few things to respond to your post, but am unable to at the moment cuz my kids want to hang with a movie. I just wanted to let you know that poeple do care here and are definitely listening.
I'll be writing to you at some point later on or tomorrow a.m....
There are things you can do to spruce up your sex life for sure and that thing about newlyweds having sex a few times a day???!!! I don't buy it for one minute... if you are having it a few times a week I think it's good. Also just quickly... have you thought of cutting a deal with your H... ie: I'll take a nap so that I can stay up to make love and you can wake up early to do the same for me... Take charge & show a bit of initiative but expect the same in return.
I have a few more practical ideas regarding how to keep things fresh... but I'll post later when I have time...

Peace,
Odyssey

Odyssey,

We've tried the nap thing and the getting up early thing. It lasted about a week. It really wasn't a 50/50 thing. I really felt i was trying harded than him. He acts like his job is so much more important than mine. Like i don't work as hard eveyday. It feels as though i work 18 hour days. Between getting up at 5am, working all day, and then coming home and doing my wifey duties, then trying to find the energy to romance him and make him feel special. He's up about 8-9am works til about 10pm.....and comes home ready to be fed and seduced and go to sleep. ALL the time. He says i can take naps and not clean up and cook as much BUT if i do things will just pile up, he'll whin about being hungry and make me feel guilty about resting!!!! Where is the MEDIUM in this maddness they call marriage????
I know the can give me what i need from him but he just refuses to or can't. How i make him understand and follow though consistantly????

Hello Babyface,
Ahhhhhhh!!!! I know the dynamic well... it's what led me & my ex to divorce. We even went to counselling for a couple of years. I cut down on the overcompensating and taking care of things from A to Z, he didn't keep his part of the deal to help me with the things that needed to get done. our sex lives and everything else went down the tube as arguing and nagging set in... by nagging, I mean the dynamic of continually asking him to do his part.
Have you tried asking him what it is HE is willing to do around the home to lighten your burden and how you could FAIRLY share the work so that you both have time and energy for one another? You can't do it all alone sweetie, you'll burn out and become resentful of him; eventually your love will die. Have you told him how much you want your love to grow instead of fade away, and that in order for this to happen you need to feel like you have a real partner in this marriage???
Maybe he needs some incentive, and I know, Gosh I know, how much you are probably already doing... but in terms of practical, sex & fun, have you done anything to spruce things up in that area? I'm not just talking romance, I'm talking, lingerie ie. greeting him at the door, maybe POUNCING on him in something hot and tiny??? Maybe music and a strip tease... or maybe just a tease and make him wait for the rest tomorrow night ??? I am divorced, yes, I've dated a lot and am presently in a very serious relationship, and have learned alot about men during my journey... they need to feel desired, they need to feel that they are worth the risk, they need to feel that their woman is a confident one who dares to please them in ways they can only imagine (or see in porns;) ) What can I say Babyface it's the truth, it's fun, it works, and men, at least the one I am with respond quite well to this type of thing and do things in return to please their woman.
The other thing I have found which helps is just simply having a talk about ways we could please one another intimately... ie. "what would you like me to wear tonight, what would you like me to do to you, what would you like to do to me... I want you to do this that or the other. Dare to ask, dare to demand... you might be pleasantly surprised.

Let us know how things go...

Praying for you two...

Peace,
Odyssey

Odyssey,
well like i said before, i've tried to spruce things up with dressing up, and music and candles. And it was great but like you said i would like some of that in return. NOPE maybe that next day but after that not again until we argue about sex and then the cycle starts all over again. Once again i'm gonna try some new ideas and see what happens. But i'm still a little hesitent about my self esteem because of things he says when he's angry. Slowly im getting over it but it's really causeing promlems with my confidence to strip for him and wear certain things. Plus i've gained a few pounds over this past year <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> that's a whole nother drama filled feeling!!!
But im trying to think possitive and hopfully we'll have a good anniversary next week!!!! Wish me luck!!!

Hey there,
I know about the self-confidence plumetting due to weight gain too !!! Believe you me !!! I've lost almost 80 lbs and still have 20 more to go ! The first time I was with my boyfriend I felt like hiding myself... after two kids, breast feeding, and the weight gain.... trust me the body ain't what it used to be!!! BUT, nothing and I mean NOTHING turns a man off more than an insecure woman !!! Despite the weight I still have to lose, my man thinks I look awesome and sis that he has never been with a sexier woman... I told him that sometimes I don't think of myself as the sexy beast he thinks I am and I asked him what he found sexy about me... Two things were at the top of the list: the way I look at him ( like no other man exists and like I hunger for him AND the confidence I exude when we are making love, the risks I take, the new things I'm willing to try.
Babyface, I don't mean to take any focus off of your stuff by writing about me, I just think it helps to know that someone out there (here) has gone thru the same thing and can understand where you are coming from.I KNOW your struggle well sugar, and I really feel for you... I am definitely rooting for you and wish you the bst of luck and a very happy Anniversary !!!

Peace & blessings,
Odyssey