I've been married for almost 3 years and on and off during the entire marriage I've been battling with my husband about money and quality time spent with me. I'm getting extremely discouraged that this marriage will work because of his lack of concern for our marriage.

We've been to numerous types of counselors and haven't been successful in any of them. I've tried to talk to my husband about our issues and we can't seem to come to a compromise or happy medium. During the conversation, he says he understands, he apologizes for his "mistakes", and for a while, all is OK, until the same thing happens all over again. I feel then that his apology wasn't sincere in the 1st place.

Our issue is money and quality time spent with each other. He is very irresponsible with money therefore, I am supposed to handle our household bills and expenses. However, when he gets paid, if I don't beat him to the bank account, he will withdraw it all and spend it on only God knows what. This has happened on more than one occasion. In the past, I've found out he spent
the money on drinking and weed. He claims that's not the case now. I don't believe him but cannot prove it right now.

Also, when we go out to eat, and the rare times we do go out for a movie, etc., 99.9% of the time, I am the one that pays for the "date". And when he is home, he's downstairs watching movies and I'm upstairs, still not interacting. When I mention to him that we aren't involved in something, his response is usually, "well, I'm here". But he doesn't understand that just because you're home physically, doesn't mean you're home mentally, or emotionally.

I can't depend on his word for anything and he thinks it's OK to stay gone from home all day long supposedly out with "friends" drinking and NOT call me to see if I'm OK or if I need anything, or to say he's OK. He's rarely wants to plan anything w/me and if he does, you can best believe he won't show up for the date.

I guess the only "good" thing I can say is that I don't think it's another woman involved, he's come home many times drunk or high and I can't stand to be around him much less look at him when he looks and smells like that. I've asked him about the woman thing and he vehemently denies that and my womanly 6th sense hasn't gone off yet, unless it's broken.

Sometimes, I don't think my husband has a clue about what is role is supposed to be in this marriage and sometimes I feel like he's just jerking me around.

At present, I can't even bring myself to have an orgasm with him when we attempt sex! I spend a lot of time thinking of my life before him when I was a single parent. I would love for my marriage to work out yet, I can't continue going on the way we've been going without any major, constant, and consistant change on his part.

I don't even know where to begin trying and unless I initiate it, conversation about this won't happen. Then when I do try to talk to him, I hear his "reasons" (I call them excuses) and nd up getting very angry, hurt, disasppointed, and upset with him and can't stand to be around him. Then we go on for days without ever getting back to the issue at hand. We'll talk about almost everything but our relationship or our finances.

I think he's a very selfish person who only truly cares about what's in it for him. He's a taker who doesn't want to give anything unless he just absolutely has to.

During the entire marriage, I've always maintained my end of the bills and in some cases his too. He's been unemployed several times during this time due to company layoffs and downsizing and has contributed very litte of anything. Because of this, our house is in foreclosure and he has some other financial outside obligations that he's failing to fulfill.

I am now unemployed, yet I've been able to handle my part of the bills (thank God) and he's working full time and still can't maintain his end. I haven't had to ask him for anything to take care of my son and me. He's supposed to be contributing half towards the bills and expenses, but most of the time he comes up short. And not to mention, groceries...I can't remember the last time he's paid for any groceries for our household.

In addition, I can count on one hand in the past 3 years all the gifts he's given me for any occasion. I've been a giver and if I see something while I'm out shopping that I think he needs or would like, I would used to buy it for him. Yet, he never does that for me. Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. have come and gone and I got nothing!!! In some cases, not so much as a card.

I've done the sexy, candlelight dinners and breakfasts, done the running the bath thing, taking showers together, etc. and I can't get much more than a car wash and even that's not consistent. He'll cook and keep the kitchen clean, and maybe do some yardwork if I mention that it needs to be done, other than that, I can't get too much else.

This is just the nutshell of all that's been going on and I wanna get off this merry go round ride and don't know how. I don't know how to get his attention. Right now, I don't know if I even want it. It's almost 2:00 a.m. on Wednesday and I haven't seen or heard from my husband since about 8:30 yesterday morning (Tuesday). And no, he's not at work. What kind of marriage is that?

I was under the impression when you love someone and haven't seen or heard from them in a while, you would at least call and check on them and let them know you're alive and well. I can't get that kind of attention from him.

I've tried talking to his parents, our priest, counselors, God, and even him - yet, there hasn't been any consistent change. I've never even had that good old "newlywed" feeling that most seem to have in their first 3 years of marriage. My whole marriage feels like a lie. The few time I have had w/him seems so fake and unreal when he does such idiotic stuff. I feel so disappointed, disillusioned and confused. And I'm so sick of him and his foolishness.

The bible says "...til death do you part", etc. and the only reason to divorce is for adultery, but I can't continue on in this crap any longer. I believe we could be so great together if things were different. He doesn't seem to care that my feelings are changing negatively for him and our marriage, and I am at a loss of what else can be done.

He keeps saying he wants this marriage but I don't believe him anymore. I've always believed actions speak louder than words. His actions have shown a man that doesn't value his marriage and is throwing it away with both hands. I've told him that if he doesn't want it anymore, it's OK, we can quit wasting each other's time and move on with no hard feelings, but he won't admit that he doesn't want to do what's necessary for our marriage to thrive in a postive way.

I would appreciate your prayers and welcome any advice or conversation that will assist in my decision of what I need to do and how I need to do it - with our without him.

Thanks.

To add insult to injury folks, it's now almost 6:30 a.m. on Wednesday and my husband still hasn't called or even bothered to come home at all last night.

I'm so hurt and angry by all of this and while I normally handle things better than this, I am truly numb by his lack of committment to this relationship. My body is shaking right now from my frustrations.

Why can't I leave? I feel so paralyzed. This is NOT what I thought marriage would be and I hate that I thought it could ever be different between us. I feel so used, neglected, angry, and hurt.

I know life isn't fair and we have to play the hand we're dealt, but I am truly at a loss on this one. I never dreamed in a million years that I would be going thru this in my marriage.

Folks, if you can offer some words of encouragement and words of action to help me get through this, it would truly be a blessing. I am really numb. I have a child to think about that thankfully, isn't my husband's but just the same, it's gonna be a huge and major adjustment.

My home is almost my dream home, I've started a home business here, it's in a good neighborhood, my son has friends here, and my son and I love it here. Why do we have to suffer from my husband's stupidity, neglect, and selfishness? I can't afford the home alone though. We can't stay here anymore. I've put so much of myself into making this house a home it hurts me deeply to have to move and start all over again somewhere else.

I truly detest him for what he's doing and what he's done. I need some serious guidance and help. SOS, anyone!!!

Hi,

I didn't want your SOS to go unanswered... what you're needing is Domestic Support and Financial Support and Sexual Fulfillment, to use the lingo of this marriage builders. I'm about to marry a single mother, she has a child from her first marriage. As I read your post, I saw some of the issues that I'm preparing myself to deal with and also wondering if my fiance doesn't share some of your concerns. I know that DS and FS are 2 of her major emotional needs and I'm not worried about fulfilling any of these or other other ones.

However, getting married, it's easy to get into a routine. The routine becomes your life together. Anything that pulls you apart is most certainly going to build up resentment and over time make it so that neither of you want to be together. I know a lot of people argue that marajuana and alchohol aren't that big of a deal. But, there are an equally large number of people who, like me, feel they are dangerous and awful things. So, my reply is going to center on 2 things:
1. You can't work on your marriage if your spouse is doped out of his head. If he's out all night and you don't know where he is... I would suspect there are deeper issues at work here.
2. You can't work on your marriage if you're the only one trying.

Chemical dependency, including alcholism, are deal breakers. You can't work on the relationship where these are the issues. Your husband needs a wake up call. It sounds like you're already supporting him and the household. Kick him out or move away. Don't let him back till he's cleaned himself up. I hate to say this, but in 2 years on MB, most stories like this involve infidelity to some extent... there's a lifestyle that goes with this type of behavior that is hardly monogamous, criminal free, or of good report. That wake up call should be the last thing you give him till he gives you back a clean life and a heart open to working on the relationship. You risk your child being exposed to a very poor parental role model (from you too!) if you continue in this limbo.

The part of your story that doesn't make sense is that it's missing the physical abuse, rape, cheating, and domestic violence that involves the police. If you don't do something, I'm sure that'll follow soon. God bless.