My H and I have been married for 10 years. We have two wonderful kids ages 3 and 5. This past March, he attempted to have sex with my sister, without her consent.(He went into her room at night and started to kiss her "down there" while she was asleep) When I found out about this ( from her) I was devastated. All he said was that he was sorry and he didn't know why he did it. That was not good enough- since he has had infedelities prior to this with other women. Part of me was emotionally disraught and the other part of me saw this as a cry for help. We discussed counselling and have now been going for 6 months or so. Things have been up and down- He was diagnosed with severe depression and is now on medication. It has helped him I think, to a certain degree- he's not so down all the time and not as moody. When we are at counseling he participates and communicates- when we get home he hardly says a word. I feel like he is only doing the bare minimum to keep this marriage in tact. I am the one initiating all conversations- I may as well be talking to a wall, and I have been the one now to initiate sex. This is completely the opposite of how it used to be (before my sis) . Now here is the killer- I just recently found out that he has been actively searching the web to have an affair! And he has about 5 women in the wings which he has been corresponding with for from what I can tell about 2 months.I am at a loss for words as to how I feel- I am in shock, I'm hurt, devestated- I cannot believe that he would do this to me. to us, to our kids, to our marriage!!! I don't know what to do. Do I confront him with this info I now know? Do I kick him out? Do I go see a lawyer? I am so confused- I have half decided to do the third option- Just because I cannot take the pain anymore and I feel like I have been made a fool by sticking by this man after all the pain he has caused me. where do I go from here?

I feel sorry for you {{{{{{{{{{moonbeam}}}}}}}}}}.<P>It does sound to me that your husband has a very serious problem. Sexual adiction comes in all shapes and sizes... your husbands is a doozy.<P>Is he in some "special" counseling related to his sexual adiction... or just general counseling? Good professional (well directed) help is what he needs right away!<P>It will be very hard to work on your marriage if he is "roaming"... with 5 women in the wings...<P>Some of the normal <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A> may not apply directly in your case, but consider... just consider the applicability of a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>. It is hard... and then the next step of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> which maybe harder still (him leaving... etc.)<P>Your situation is difficult...<BR>There are others here who have had similar problems... Please...<BR>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>My prayers for you and your H <B>and your kids</B>... <P>Jim

NSR- Thank you for your advise. I have looked over plan a and b and I think b is where I should go from here- We already went through a plan a or at least a version of it- we are in couseling and he has not spoken to my sis since this all took place. I thought we were starting to see the sun through the clouds when I discovered the info on the 5 other women. I have also looked into sexual addiction- through one of the other posts on mb. He does seem to fit the bill. Do you suggest that I confront him with what I know and ask him respectfully to leave until he gets this out of his system and gets some help as well? <BR>I keep thinking that once he leaves it will be the beginning of the end. and that is the last thing I want. Then on the other hand I cannot live like this either. Should I put a time limit on this? SHould I give him a list of things I expect him to do if he wants to make this marriage work again? How do I save my own self respect yet, also not make demands? I want to do what is right for ALL of us- kids included. I feel like I am the only one who is working on our marriage now and I need that to change if we are to go any further. Got any more words of wisdom?

hi moonbeam, first, go to the websites for saa (sexual addicts anonymous) and for COSA. Get some support from those that are dealing with sexual addiction, which is also called sexual compulsiveness. There are groups in virtutally every major area for both. You can get phone and online support from COSA. They will also rec a counselor with experience in treating this tough condition.<BR>Now you can take a deep breath, calm yourself. You are going to be fine, just relax for a minute, gather yourself. <BR>I had the best luck dealing with this as an illness, which it IS. You will hear others here say otherwise. But educate yourself! It is an addiction, just as drugs, alcohol, etc. There is a considerable body of research related to sexual compulsiveness and it is easy to get hold of. So, there is no reason to remain in the dark. I have a few books that I am happy to mail to you, as I no longer refer to them often. One great author is Patrick Carnes-would rec any title by him. <BR>This is a dangerous addiction for you and your kids. As you have already seen, it is not just the emotional issue but the health issues that go along with it. I would be adamant about abstinence. You really have no idea how safe he has been, insist on hiv and std testing. Safe sex until the 6 mo hiv test is back should be required. Your kids are counting on you mom! So be careful.<BR>Your h is in a stage of sexual predation (as some experts would call it). He needs help from counseling and from a support group-peers that have been there. Supposedly the dual treatments like that have the best results. My h does not go to a group-there are none here. And he has done fine with the priest for counseling. But we were very lucky to have a priest that dealt with this issue professionally (phd) prior to the calling he followed. <BR>Gosh I am not sure what to tell you to do as far as the 5 women. I might suggest that you bring it to counseling and approach it there. The counselor will work with your h, and eventually h should be able to talk to your sis about it. The approach is that used for abusers. I think there are 4 of us here, including you with sexaully compulsive h's. <BR>e-mail is cheryl_fnp@hotmail.com

Thanks for coming through cheryl...<P>My W is just barely involved in S&M and domaination/bondage with her OM... but how quickly that escalates does concern me too.<P>Jim