Hi All,
I just got married 3 months ago tomorrow and I'm very afraid and sad that I'm already losing my husband. His best friend (Best Man and cousin) moved to our town (from out of state) with his wife & child 1 month ago and now my husband is spending all of his free time with him instead of me. He keeps telling me that he hasn't seen him in a long time and that he "just spent the last weekend with (me)" after I have not seen my husband all week.

I want him to be able to spend time with his best friend, but whenever he does he also "loses track of time" and never comes home until I have been asleep for hours- even when he has promised to be home by a certain time.

I have tried (on several occasions) to spend time with both of them, in order to see my husband & spend some time with him, and all his cousin does is pick on me and make fun of me to the point where it is not worth spending time with my husband to have to endure this abuse. I have only ever seen his cousin 8 times in my life (including my wedding day) and I do not appreciate mean and hurtful jokes- especially not from someone I don't know, who is not a friend & I don't even know if he is even kidding.

When I have talked to my husband about these things he listens but doesn't seem to "get" what I'm saying and seems to think that I just don't like his cousin and therefore I don't want him to spend any time with him (his cousin).

How do I make everyone (including myself) happy? I am willing to spend time with my husband and his cousin (if his cousin behaves) but I also need and want to spend time with my husband alone too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ September 08, 2004, 05:00 PM: Message edited by: NewBride ]</small>

Your husband made a commitement to you. He took vows to honor you. And if he allows this cousin to make fun of you and tease you then he is not being a good husband. He should stick up for you and not let anyone hurt you. He should be spending most of his time with you as you are still newlyweds. It is good that you want him to have some fun with his male friends that is good men and women both need outside interests but it seems to me that it is going to far. Tell him that you want to be honored and see what happens then. If things get worse and you feel you have made a mistake in the marriage then get out before you have children. Children change everything and you will always be tied to him.

mdgnrob-
Thanks for your thoughts.

Don't worry-- I am a teacher & my own kid's (that I haven't yet considered) will wait for a while- regardless of my relationship with my husband. I see plenty of them everyday & don't want my own yet.

I have talked with my husband AND he spoke with his cousin about my "sensitivity" to getting "picked on". I then spoke with his cousin and he appologized and said "That's just how (he) is" and that he would try to do better (because it's important for him to get to spend time with my husband as well).

I have told my husband that most married people should WANT to spend time together & he keeps saying "(he is) spending time with me". I have asked about his married friends and how much time they spend together & he said "none of his good-friends are married".

His cousin's relationship with his own wife is apparently good-- but on at least 2 occasions his wife has told me that I will "get over" a lot of my feelings of wanting to spend time with my husband "soon-enough". This whole attitude makes me REALLY ANGRY and really hurt that this is supposed to be my goal.

I think my biggest problem right now is that I don't know if this issue is my problem or my husbands. Do I need too much attention or does he not need enough??

We DID "get to" spend all of Labor Day weekend alone with NOBODY else around & it was great!

Then, Tuesday night, he went to his cousin's after work & wasn't going to come home until "9 or so". He offerred to have me come... but when I started to put on my shoes he admitted he wanted to just spend some time with his cousin- alone.

So, he compromised and said he'd be home at 6:30 BUT he came home at 7:15 instead. I was happy to have him home (& actually surprised to see him by 7:15 after he had already missed the agreed apon time), but I was sooo disappointed and sad (by the time he came home) that I didn't even bother to tell him how I felt & just ate dinner next to him silently while my stomach was tied in knots. I don't think he noticed.

I don't know what to do. Again, I do want him to spend time with his cousin & I do not want to be a wife who tells her husband what to do & I WON'T.
I want HIM to want to spend time with ME for his own self and to fulfill own emotional needs!!

HOW DO I DO THIS??

-NewBride...feeling a lot older now

I'm curious, how old are you both?

BobO-
I am 34 and my husband is 33. Does that help? Or do I just seem too old to be insecure about this kind of thing?

I'm so happy to find out that I'm not the only one w/this problem! I'm in your shoes now, and have been for almost 3 years of marriage. I love my husband, and I love spending time w/him.

One thing I've learned, that's sometimes hard to do, is to make sure that when he's home that I'm not arguing w/him. I try to make our home a welcoming environment. If we argue about everything when he's home, then he's just going to want to leave even more.

Also, could his cousin come over and hang out? I know this wouldn't give you the time alone w/him that you would like, but at least your with him.

P.S. I would've been upset at the wife's comment about "getting over it," too. I think it's something that needs to change, not something I just need to deal with.

vmolson,
Thanks for your thoughts. Obviously it is nice when someone agrees with you... even if you're not sure you're right.

About your advice: Thanks...
My husband and I rarely argue and if we do.. it's usually something really stupid, we BOTH usually appologize right away and move right on... so that part is probably not a problem.

I appreciate the advice of making our "alone time" pleasant & I have really been consciously working on this. One thing I DID realize I was doing was to complain about his cousin for at least 15- 30 minutes every time he would come home. I realized that was NOT going to help the situation & he already was braced for a heated discussion everytime he came home. So I have REALLY tried to keep my comments really short & positive (when I still feel a discussion is necessary for my sanity) & I have been purposefully waiting until later or the next day (when I can manage to wait that long) to discuss things calmly.

I also have privately asked one or two of my "old-married" friends what they think & what they would do & I have gotten the same advice you gave as well... to have his cousin come to our house "to play" so that at least I get to see & spend some time with my husband (with his cousin)... which is still better than not seeing my husband at all. Also, as my friend put it..."then this way I also see that I'm not missing out on anything fun anyways" (they, a 33 & 35 year old, usually just sit & play X-Box together- like 13 year-olds or go repair something in the house together-- that's really entertaining to watch!)

Because his cousin is now always over at our house, he is now able to avoid a lot of nagging from HIS wife & having to help out with the child-care of his 2 1/2 year old son... so, needless to say, his wife has been chewing him out when he gets home which also seems to be working in my favor (he isn't coming over every spare waking second... just every other now). And... since I am being OVERLY nice when they are together, they are starting to include me in some of their activities....

What's really funny/interesting is that now, when they are both over & I walk out of the room to go find something else to do or to go get ready for bed, I think my husband is starting to pick up on this & realize that I might be "doing something fun without HIM" or "maybe it's time for his cousin to go home" (when I get ready for bed) so that he can come join me (for some newlywed activities).

Any YES, lately I have come up with a new game plan of calling him at work & asking "Are you going to your cousin's after work or do you want to come home & participate in some 'husband/wife activities'" instead?" The first time I tried this I was braced for him to say he was still going to his cousins... it was actually a test to see how bad off we really were. But, since it worked like a charm the first time... I'm still holding that card. Now, don't think that I am just using sex to get him home... I am definitely using it to get him there... but it's only when I want him home & I WOULD LOVE some sex too. I just have to make sure that's not the only thing he comes home for <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks again for your ideas... please keep 'em coming.

NewBride (will be 4 months on Oct 5th) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />