My boyfriend, Adam, and I met in the church, have been dating for a year and a half, and are now discussing marriage. I am a virgin and have discussed the importance of waiting for sex until marriage with Adam and have learned that in his youth before becoming a Christian, Adam slept with an old girlfriend. Initially, I didn't think it would bother me, but as our wedding day gets closer I am afraid. I'm not exactly what it is that i'm afraid of. I know it's not a fear of being "inexperienced," but this is an issue that is weighing heavily on my heart and mind. What are some ways that I can learn to get over this issue and over the pain?

You will never get over it, if it's a concern now it will always be. I was in the same situation except I'm not a religious nut and have had many women before my wife who was a virgin. It would be hard for us to ever do anything because she would always question if I had "done that" before, and I'm sure comparisons were always in the back of her head as how she heald up. In my opinion I would never marry a virgin or be with one again because it is too much hassle if you've been with people before her. This is just my opinion, and personally again, I think you should go out and live life a little and get some experience before tieing the knot so there is no doubt of what you possibly missed out on in the past lingering in your head

BobO, Your comments to Iya B. were very inappropriate and disrespectful of her values to remain a virgin.

Iya B., ignore him. Yes, it may tug at you that your husband has been with another person. The fact is tht my new husband and I wish that we were each others' firsts -- and we were each married for over ten years and had children with other people. The fact of the matter is that when you are married and in love you want to experience all the firsts with your husband. It isn't always possible, though. Congratulations on upholding your faith and values to stay pure before your wedding! And congratulations for finding a husband who shares your faith. You've got a foundation of rock to build your marriage on. As for being a virgin when Adam isn't, why not ask him his feelings about that. Chances are he loves you even more because you are waiting for him. You will learn together how to make your marriage bed a pleasureable one for both of you. Don't worry. And, by the way, experienced lovers aren't always better. The one who loves you and is committed to you will be the best one. So you're not missing anything. BELIEVE ME. Congrats and stop worrying. Focus on your future.

You know, BobO may not have had the most objective approach to helping you with this issue, but don't ignore his message. His (or his wife's) decision to ignore this issue before marriage has obviously caused them a lot of problems. Make sure that you openly discuss your concerns and frustrations with your fiance. Openness and Honesty is far more important than the individual frustrations that you face.

BobO is right that you may never be okay with the fact that your fiance had sex with another woman. Only you can determine that. My guess is that you will face a lot of sexual problems in your marriage if you do not come to terms with these concerns BEFORE you get married. If not being a virgin when you marry is a dealbreaker (only you can decide this), than do not marry someone who has already had sex.

And that's what your question seems to be, how do you get over it? How do you make it so this doesn't bother you?
Values are not easy to change and you probably should not try to change your values. You need to ask yourself WHY it is so important to be a virgin before marriage. WHY is it important for your fiance to be a virgin? Get down to the nitty gritty and figure out why this is a problem for YOU because it's not going to just disappear once you are married. This would be a good topic to discuss with a trained therapist who can help you find answers to these questions.

Personally, my main concern for you is that you are moving too fast. That maybe you haven't been with your partner long enough to feel comfortable talking in depth about sex because you are still in a stage of the relationship where you are trying to impress one another with your ability to be a good partner. I could be way off base--I can only go by what you said and what tends to be the problem with couples in similar situations.
My major fear for couples who do not believe in sex before marriage is that the natural sex drive starts to become such a big part of the relationship that you neglect addressing the many other important factors that will play a big role in whether your marriage can succeed. Basically, you get married before you are really ready because your body wants and needs sex!
This can of course play the other way and couples can use sex to disguise other relationship problems. So, my advise to you is to make sure you talk about everything with your fiance. Be very honest with yourself and with your fiance about your feelings. That's the only way you'll know if you are making the right decisions.

Good luck,
Smile