I am faced with an usual problem and was hoping for some wisdom. My husband and I married, eloped basically. He lives in another part of the state. He makes it up to see me almost each weekend for three days. It's always wonderful. He wants me to move to his town and new house. I want to move but I just made a big move and I am mentally and physically and financially not up to another big move. Also, I have a job here, and my kids are here, though they are grown. Should I just toss care to the wind and move in, or take my time and move?

Seems like these are decisions that would have been better to consider and resolve before eloping. How long have you been married? Why did you get married? How does your husband feel about this? How does your family feel about this?

You didn't provide much information but from what you did provide, it sounds like you already tossed care to the wind when you decided to elope.

Sorry if that sounds harsh. I guess I just don't understand your decision to elope if you aren't prepared to make sacrifices in order to take your relationship to that next level of committment. I'm not saying you should drop everything and move, because if that will cause resentment, it's not healthy. But, you should definitely apply the POJA to this decision (see Policy of Joint Agreement in the Basic Concepts of this web site).

Best of luck,
Smile

I say elope because it's descriptive, we are both over fifty and I guess we just decided to do it with a big bang in Las Vegas. He was out of my life for some months and came back and wanted marriage. But in the meantime he had purchased a home a lovely one. I am settled here, and like it. At first I wanted to move down with him, but he was resistant. That put me off, and I didn't understand it. Then he started to act as if he wanted me there. Then of course I felt even more confused. So now I have to figure out what to do, I know there is no magic answer.

But, why did you get married? What does that mean to you? What does it mean to him? Did you do it just because you could?

I don't understand what that has to do with age. Does marriage somehow hold some lesser value because it is your second or third? Because you are 50 or 60?
I think it has to do with love, committment, respect, trust, and friendship...regardless of your age.

People criticize young couples for getting married before they mature. What about the older folks to who get married just for the hell of it?

Until you can answer these questions (for yourself--not me) regarding intent and expectations, I don't see how you can make a good decision regarding the move.

<small>[ September 29, 2004, 12:59 AM: Message edited by: SmileADay ]</small>

OK, the other response is a little harsh in the way it's stated... but I think they're right it their wisdom. Do not go anywhere right this second.... you will just be somewhere else wondering if you should have or shouldn't have done it.

You need to STOP & talk to each other about what you EACH were thinking?? Why did you BOTH get married?? Do you BOTH truly love each other?? Are you BOTH truly committed to each other??

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY... what is with his after-thoughts of "maybe I want you" "maybe I don't"... This doesn't just sound like a moving problem. You need to find out NOW why would he NOT want to live with his new bride?? What would make him even have to stop & think about this question?? Is it something totally stupid like, "Where's all her stuff gonna go?" or is it something more concerning like, "Do I really want to spend the rest of my life, morning, noon, and night with this person?" I think this answer, simple or not, will help you determine everything else.

About the kids... they will deal--- especially when they see that their mother can be TRULY happy, still come to visit, still talk on the phone as much as in person, etc. , and will be allowed to make the most of her life not just to help with theirs!!

I hope this helps & I wish you the best.
NewBride