My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years and have a 2 year old son together. I love him but I haven't been in love with him for a long time. It hurts my heart mind and soul that I feel this way, because in the beginning not being in love with him wasn't a possibilty.
We were co-workers when we met and just young at heart no matter what we were doing. We treated everyday like it could be our last, we laughed ALOT, we held each other when we needed the support, and we had our little arguments here and there but nothing to lose a second of smiling and loving each other over. We took spur of the moment trips to vegas or disneyland etc. what ever we felt would be fun to do, even if it was just going to the tallest hill in our town and just be in love with each other, happy just being in each others arms.
So we got married a year later because it would just make things so much more in our hearts to belong to each other. My husband was not a citizen at the time, but an amnesty for married couples was coming up sooner then we had planned, so we had a civil marriage in a courthouse. It wasn't what I had always pictured my wedding day to be, but he promised the following year we would have the wedding we both wanted. Well that year came and went bringing our son into our lives but no wedding because of financial difficulties, so I packed my dress away and there it stayed we are going on year 4.
These things I guess are just material memories and maybe one can do without the tradition I guess. I've brought it up a few times now that we have a little more money, but he just says well you look into it and flips on the game, it ends there. Giving me the impression that oh its something you want so you deal with it, i've got better things to do.
Before my son was born I had a top career, but my husband thought that since he was working one of us should stay home with the baby to bond. Ofcourse he felt I would be the better one for the job, don't get me wrong I would never regret staying home with my son and watching him grow, but it was with a heavy heart that I had to let go of all my career goals, things I worked so hard in college to acheive, but it was for my family so I did it.
Now that he is 2 i've started working part time for my husbands company, in the hopes of having something in common again, the last year has been nothing but arguments and screaming matches over money and the fact that he never lifts a finger to help around the house or with our son, he walks in from work and throws his things everywhere eats the dinner I rush to make him and plops down in front of the tv until its time to go to bed, then he wants me to assume the position (sex) so he can pass out and have a good night sleep to start the routine all over again.
I get up early make his lunch get my son up and ready for the sitter, get myself together last, go to work for 9 hours 3 days a week, my husband ignores me at work and talks to a female co-worker that I have repeatedly asked him not too, he doesn't want to eat lunch with me unless I ask him too in advance, when we do he says maybe 3 sentences to me the whole time its like having lunch with a total stranger.
When we get home around 7pm I rush to get dinner fixed, so its not so late when we eat, while i'm making dinner in between stiring or flipping i'm cleaning house and tending to our son, once dinner is eaten I fold the laundry and tidy up the kitchen, my husband through this whole time is on the couch watching espn news. I am soooo exausted by this time I just want to sleep, but when I get into bed and start to close my eyes I feel someone roll on top of me and grope me then 5 minutes later he is done and asleep. Sometimes he remembers to kiss me afterwards alot of the times he doesn't.
The alarm rings and its all over again, the 2 days I do have off I run errands and take care of the finances. I was putting money aside for us to get a house soon and have a wedding but all of this is just taking a toll on me, we haven't even been to a movie since my son was born, ofcourse we aren't going to be able to get a house now because all the money was spent on his new car, and our wedding as of now is just a someday dream come true.
I finally addressed the matter one night to my husband of my feelings and we talked until 2 am it felt good and real, he assured me that nothing was going on with the female co-worker and that things would get better communication wise between us, and that he too felt that we had grown apart, but didn't know why. For the next 2 days it was great, he even helped out a little with chores without me even asking, but then like all good things it came to an end. Now we don't talk much at all and it kills me everytime I look at him I see the love we used to have for each other, i've even brought up a possible separation because he said he needs time to find out who he is (that was his reason for being so distant with me) he said no to the separation, and that he couldn't be without me and that he loved me and things would be better.
I want so much to believe that, but right now I feel like I married a total stranger. He used to laugh at my jokes and want to be around me all the time, he used to bring me flowers just because, and open doors for me, he cared about what I thought. Now he avoids me, I can't voice an opinion or thought without him getting overly defensive, even if its not anything to do with him, he just gets aggetated when I speak it seems like.
I don't understand, what where or how this all happened. I spend my minimal free time and waking hours to try to figure it out so I can fix it. I mentioned marriage counseling but he just gives me the old well you find out about it (flips on tv). I am at my breaking point, I don't know how much longer I can pretend to want this to work. I can't imagine my life without him but I don't like to imagine the rest of my life with him either (not like this anyways).
If anyone has any advice or anything insightful please help. Thank you.
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Danielle
