Hi,

I am newly married of only eight months and I am already experiencing a little breathing difficulty. I have told my husband before marriage and even after marriage that I am the type of person who has been alone most of my life. I am forty two years old. I enjoy my mornings sipping coffee and waking up before uttering any words, I enjoy going shopping, alone or visiting a library or bookstore. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy time with my husband but when it is a constant minute by minute ordeal I feel somewhat very suffocated.

I had the feeling of love but I fear it is being suffocated. It doesn’t have any room to breathe. I get up he gets up, I go to sleep he goes to sleep, I eat he eats with me, I enjoy our suppers together but even when snacking we have to do it at the same time, I am tired he is tired, I am thirsty he is thirsty, what ever I am he is. I want to do something he wants the same. Togetherness is good but when it is constant need then it suffocates the love because of no room to breathe. I have said I like my space I need to breathe but it goes unheard. I have said I like my mornings to wake up with my coffee and some quiet moments, it goes undone. It seems that every area of my life is being controlled at some point.

I had to make him back off with sex expected "everynight". Now if we go longer then three days of no sex, he doesn't sleep at night.

Any advice would really be helpful. I am sorry for such a lengthy posting but it is 2:20 a.m. and I feel like my fire is slowly being put out.

I don't even have my own email account. its off of his so I know my email isn't even private.

Thanks for listening,
Labreeze

Labreeze,

I can relate to your post. I can appreciate your wanting down time and alone time interdependently of you new Hubby..i think that is healthy. Not sure that I can give you any advice except to tell him in a very loving way, reassuring way, what your needing by way of alone time. Im sure you have done this =)
I think you guys are adjusting to being married..not sure if you lived together before the wedding, but if not..I would imagine that your both learning more and more each day about each other. Bit by bit we learn. Deep breath chicky...be kind, loving, open...tell him what you need. I wish you well LaBreeze.

You do need to communicate your Emotional Needs to Hubby. Have you done the questionnaire together?

Did you spend a lot of time "living together" before marriage? Not necessarily in the same home, but did you spend a lot of time seeing how each other lives and discovering your differing needs for space?

Just a guess, but I'm guessing your courtship was either a whirl-wind romance or a long-distance relationship and you're just now finding out that your need to spend time together is different.

Its time to talk. He may have some things he needs to say, too.

Thank you for your reply to my post. Our courtship was a whirlwind romance. He was on a mission to marry me and I was recieving the much needed attention and love. We didn't take time to discover each other's space. I do cherish my husband and I want this to work. What worries me is my personality and he tries to conform me to be as him with all this togetherness/simease twins life.

It sufocates me and I'm afraid of my love dieing because of it but I notice, sometimes, he does try. As long as I stick up for myself and say how I feel, he does back off. BUT it is a battle.

All I can do is remain to be who I am and not give in all to his ways. I like who I am and I don't want to change. example, I love to kayak and he wants to try it, but his idea is a two man kayak, my idea is individual kayaks. If i was to do the two man kayak it would take everything of what I love about kayaking away. So I said no way and he didn't fuss much about it.

He is away at a coverence for two days and I wasn't able to go, so I told him one day, I may have to go to one so I understood that he still had to go. His reply was, his schedule is flexable enough so he can always go with me.

That is not what I want to hear because it makes me want to jump through a window. I told him well one day I may have to go away alone and his reply was yea and the subject changed. BUT the feeling of anger kept me up all night. I'll need to talk with him when he gets back.

There is so much more but I don't want to write a book on this.

Thanks for listening/reading and hope the best to everyone on this forum.

Labreeze

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Labreeze:
<strong> Our courtship was a whirlwind romance. He was on a mission to marry me ...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This sounds familiar. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Labreeze:
<strong> It sufocates me and I'm afraid of my love dieing ...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Labreeze, you need to find a gentle yet firm way of communicating this to your husband. You need to complete the Emotional Needs Questionnaire together, learn to negotiate for what you need, and follow the Policy of Joint Agreement.

BUT you also need to follow the Policy of Undivided Attention. Fifteen hours each week of together time. Can you find ways of investing this time in your marriage without feeling suffocated? If not, why not?

Are you familiar with all of the MB concepts? Have you read through the site?

As a newlywed to a man who is obviously head-over-heels for you, your marriage is in a good spot to receive this work from both of you.

<small>[ October 21, 2004, 05:06 AM: Message edited by: W8ing4signs ]</small>

I haven't fully read through all of what this website has to offer but I plan on it. I also am going to suggest the questionaire to fill out.

The problem is, I have communicated this to him since before we were married. I wanted to make sure he knew how I was in the area of alone time. AND I don't want to always be alone but I do like quiet moments, AND I do like to be an "individual".
I told him two weeks ago that I don't like to be pawed at and stroked everytime I'm near him and that it even makes my skin crawl when I'm tired and don't want to be stroked. It even is bad that when we walk down our stairs we are attached/joined at the hip. AND Walking to the car, side by side is nice once in awhile but there is a balance. So I am trying to communicate to him.

We are together every moment that we are not working. Except for his conference for two days. I have recently moved where I am and I have no other friends.

I know marriage takes giving and recieving and I'm willing to work this issue out. I just wish he would not only listen to me BUT to hear me also.

Thanks again for your input and I will check the rest of this site out.
Labreeze

I can't help but be concerned that your problems are so much based on personality differences that are set in stone that one or both of you are going to have to make some really big changes or this marriage isn't going to work.
This is obviously a problem with a whirlwind romance...you don't get to really know the person and realize how compatible you are after the butterflies die off.

The time that you do spend together. Do you feel like it is good time? How often do you feel close to him? If it's rare that the time together is enjoyed by both of you, I wonder if he's smothering you because he is scared to let go or you will leave him. Maybe he feels that he needs to be as close as possible at all times or you will "disappear".
POJA your time. POJA how much time (at least 15 hours of quality together time a week) and POJA what you will do during that time. POJA your alone time. Be VERY explicit. Set up a time that you need for yourself, let him know what you are doing (as your husband he has a right to know and will probably feel more trusting), where you will be, and for how long. This all sounds very regimented, but only because I think he needs to be told EXACTLY what you need to be happy and comfortable or he will transform the message in his head. If you are getting this regular alone time, hopefully you will enjoy the together time more and he won't be so clingy.
Make sure you listen to exactly what he needs. This is why the Emotional Needs questionnaire is so useful, because he may not even know what he needs. This might not be about how much time he is with you, but you confident, secure, and happy he feels during that time.

Just some ideas.
Best of luck to you. DH and I are equally clingy, so this isn't a problem for us. But, I've seen it happen with others who I am close to.

Take care,
Smile

Well everyone thanks for the feedback. I want to give an update.

First of all i would like to say that we are together 30-35 hours a week. It varies if he works on our plane, then it is about 25 hours a
week of togetherness. And he would want more. He tries for more. His schedule is flexable at his job and I work part time for him to do just that, have more time with me.

Lastnight, I asked him how he felt about my need of space at times and his need for closeness. And he needed an example so I began with our sleeping together at night. He needs to
sleep close and I need to sleep with my face away from breathing on him. He said that he knew how I was before we married and he was holding on to hope that one day with him showing me all the love and attention that i would begin to want to be held by him at night. I
said but its always been my personality to sleep as I do.

He was sad and shakey to hear me say that i didn't want to change all of who i was or am before we married. I told him that sometimes we need to accept each other for the way we are and not try to change each other. I knew he was trying to change me. I could feel it and tell in subtle ways that he used on me get me to do things his way. He use to be an AF captain and instructor. He is very smart and subtle.

He wants all of me and to be this close knit one unit. Which i am because I am his wife and I am with him, close to him every hour away from work. I have changed alot to conforming to being a couple but he is going to extremes in my book.

He said he needs to feel security that i am his and by having the
connections that we do, always together, on the email, IM or phone or to know my where abouts then he has the security. I give him alot of attention. It almost seems for the past year of our togetherness that he has been trying to conform me or to be this total one unit where he is head over everything and to get me to need him in every way. In the financial department as well as the emotional department.

On the weekends we are constantly touching, feelie, kissie, sitting on lap together. Thats how it is. When making coffee he comes over and holds me and kisses on me. When supper is being cook he is over kissin and holding me. i have conformed and grown accoustomed but I have my limits. When I am tired I don't want to lip lock and be pawed or stroked.

I think I have dragged this togetherness out on the forum too long and i apologize but does anyone out there understand how i feel about losing all of who I am to become conformed to being this siamease joint at the hip twin of his? He needs alot and i can give him alot but i have my limits and where is the boundary of man going to far into being connected to his woman? Is there such a boundary? Or am I in the wrong for not giving or changing my personality to suit/fulfill his needs?

I think its time to bring this stuff up to a marriage counselor too. I hate having to say this kind of stuff about him and in front of him to someone else. It isn't easy.

Thanks for your time and feedback,
Labreeze

Hello,

It is amazing but my guess is that most women would give anything to be in your situation. The problem is that you are not most women. You have made it clear what your position is and he refuses to abide by it. I would strongly suggest marriage counseling. If your personalities are such a way then maybe he simply was not a good match for you. Make it clear to him that if he continues on this path it will lead to a dissolution of the marriage. Maybe it will be a wake-up call to him. If not, then you need to decide how you wish to live the rest of your life.
I wish you the best.

LaBreeze...I probably wont be able to give you any advice as my partner is very much like yours. We are together all the time and that is fine, and like your man...Mine constantly pets, strokes, kisses...Im his personal grope monkey. I think it stems from exactly what you stated. Its and insecurity within themselves. In his own words "knowing that you freely give yourself and allow me to touch you, lets me know that everything is good in the relationship" For me, I embrace it...for I know that I will have an 8 hour day while he is at work and I am at work. I think that if he stopped touching me then I would have something to worry about. I am sorry that you dont get the break that I do. I read that you like to get your nose in a good book, Why not step out on the weekends/weekdays for a few hours and go to a Barnes/Noble and brouse/read/sip on some coffee in a comfortable chair...reflect and enjoy the silence of yourself. Take a hot bath, lock the door, dont forget your glass of vino...He needs to be trained that when that door is closed, you dont want to hear a word, or be bothered..that this is your time..and of course that you love him for respecting that. Your right it is about boundaries, and respecting each others differences..for that is what truly makes us unique.