I have been dating a wonderful woman for about a year now. We are both 45 (or so <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ).

I proposed last month and she accepted. We are both very excited and completely in love.

She has a daughter who will graduate from High School this year and head out to college (doesn't know where as yet).

The wedding is slated to occurr next summer after her daughter graduates from High School to make things easier on her...and on us.

I have 2 sons in college.

She lives an hour away from me in a small condo in the city. I live in a fairly large house just outside the city limits (30 minutes fron downtown).

The Issue: She remarried once before about 10 years ago and moved into her new spouses house. It was a disaster. He was controlling and worse. She felt like an intruder...as did her daughter. He did nothing to help them through the transition. The marriage broke up quickly...for many reasons.

We have considered buying a new house somewhere in between our 2 present houses and selling both our houses. Her daughter likes this idea because it will be closer to her friends. Her daughter is worried that it will be such a long drive to see her friends that she will be unhappy if we all move into my house.

More importantly, they are both concerned that what happened before will happen again.

My fiance and I both love the house I live in. We love the quiet and privacy we have here.

I suggested building an addition on to my present house to accomodate the larger family. It would be a large bedroom with a bathroom for her daughter. My fiance likes the idea, but is still somewhat concerned.

My fiance's Mom, who is a psychologist, is adamant that we sell both houses and buy new. That would be a good start for the marriage.

But, I have been able to buy a very nice house with nice property due to the location. Finding anything like I have now will be very expensive. I would hate for us to give up a house we love and find out it was a mistake.

Plus, all the mechanics of moving will be difficult for a new marriage I think. Houses in my area are hard to sell. This house was on the market for a year before I bought it. And we have to sell her condo as well.

I am willing to do whatever it takes to make my fiance and her daughter feel welcome. I feel already that it is their house. We could do things like buy new furniture? Move my fiances furniture into my house? Put pictures up?

By the way, we are not arguing about this. We are just trying to make the best decision. My fiance agrees with me on everything I said above, but still has reservations about moving in. And I understand...

We both realize that all our children will be off to college, so the decision really is about holidays and summer vacations when everyone will be here.

And, we don't want there to be bad feelings at the outset of the marriage. From anyone.

My sons are fine either way. They don't really mind if we move, because they are already in college with new friends, etc. They only care that we have a "cool" house!

We are so happy and excited about marrying. We believe we have each found our soulmate. We just want to do the right thing. Whatever we do, we want to plan and be proactive. We don't just want to do "whatever" and see what happens.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

Dave

<small>[ October 15, 2004, 08:59 AM: Message edited by: davew ]</small>

Hi Dave

Hubby and I married at Christmastime and have combined families of elementary school aged children. Our situation is somewhat similar to yours. Hubby and his son moved into MY home. It has been difficult.

First of all, Hubby and Stepson really wanted to carve out their space in the house. Its been emotionally taxing for me to see "my" walls change colour and "my" furniture get arranged or used in a way I don't prefer.

I have to agree with your mother in law to-be. A fresh start is ideal emotionally, even if it isn't financially. And really, isn't the marriage more about melding hearts than about merging investment portfolios?

Hubby and I are searching for a new home. We look forward to neutral ground.

Yes, you have voiced our concerns exactly.

But, there are differences. For one, I have only owned this home for one year, so there isn't a lot of emotional attachment to it. I divorced about 2 years ago and started over, so there are no pictures, no "nic-nacs" with any history. No family pics on the wall. All the furniture is new as my EX got the family stuff. In fact, I have encouraged my fiance to bring some of her furniture and mix it with mine, hang pictures (maybe she can help me hang some of mine too!), and basically treat the house as a new house, since really it almost is.

We will build on the addition before she moves in, which should help too.

The thing is that no matter what we do, my fiance will probably have to move here for some period of time anyway while we get the houses on the market, search for another home, etc.

Hi Dave

So, is it your fiance that is concerned about moving into "your house", or is it her daughter? Did you shop for this house together or did you acquire it before you knew her? Are there practical issues or are there remnants of hurt from her last marriage that she needs to work on in counselling?

What if you agreed to sell "your house" and she moved in while you searched. Together you may find something you both love more OR you may find that "your house" is the best choice, afterall. It seems that your fiance just needs some power, some say in this.

<small>[ October 16, 2004, 08:52 PM: Message edited by: W8ing4signs ]</small>

Both my fiance and her daughter have reservations about moving in due to their past experiences from a prior marriage.

I bought the house just over a year ago before I met my fiance , and about one year after my divorce.

We already think that most likely my fiance will move in here before we sell the house, if only due to the mechanics and timing of getting both her house and mine on the market.

I want my fiance to have "power" and say in this and all important issues in our upcoming life together. We have discussed this issue several times, and are weighing all the options. We both want everyone to be happy with the decision...Me, her, and all the children. Both of us are very close to our kids and both of us have always tried to take their feelings into consideration when making decisions. So, we are looking at all angles. That's why I posted this...to get opinions. And I sincerely appreciate yours and the others we have heard so far.

Hi Dave

I don't mean to hog your thread. It is kinda quiet in this section of the site, isn't it?

Just a thought, though. Your new family might really benefit from some counselling. For you, your fiance and her children. Combining families IS VERY TOUGH. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> There are reasons why second marriages fail more often than not and sometimes I feel like I'm living those reasons every day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Neither your family nor mine will become a statistic, though, will it? That's why we're both here! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Working together over old issues -- keeping them in the past where they belong -- and avoiding new ones might really help you guys negotiate choices that are best for your new marriage.

These articles might help:

Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_guide.html

The Policy of Joint Agreement
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html

Your fiance needs to enthusiastically agree on which house will be "your home".

Dave,

Welcome to MB--it's good to see your coming here before you get married--

Have you both read the book "Blended Families?" it's by Maxine M. (don't remember the last name) it is a REALLY good book--for those considering marriage--(both first, second or third marriages)
and it discusses family dynamics--and how to work through a lot of them--

I guess the question is--when is she going to put her home on the market? Before her daughter graduates or after? I could see how that would be a problem for a senior who has to move the last year of school--how far do you live from her school? And would she have to transfer schools?

Would it be possible to build an addition and allow her daughter help design her own room so that she feels more at home and comfortable bringing her friends there, even before the marriage so she can begin to feel like it's home?
maybe even allowing her and her friends hang out their on weekends now??

Would it be economically feasible for your fiance
to rent her place out and use that as an additional income, while also giving her and her daughter a sense of security, until such a time she's worked through her fears?

Maybe rent it out with the option to buy or something to that effect?

Is there a college in your area that she could rent to college students on a yearly basis? maybe her daughter and a couple of her friends could stay there while going to school that way she's close to friends and at the same time has that sense of security?

Wait to sell either place if possible, and after her daughter has been off to college for a year
(if she goes away) see if things change--

Most people when they go off to college lose contact with most of their old high school friends unless they go to a local college---they change so much during those years and the friendships kind of dwindle off--

The reason I say if she can rent to college students for the year, she knows it will be rented the entire time--even during the holidays and summers--I don't know if that would be feasible--just something to consider *if* it's possible--and practical--

And I really like the idea of your fiance coming in and helping you decorate--that way it's more of a family home--

<small>[ October 17, 2004, 11:13 PM: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</small>