A month ago I found out about my 25-year old wife of 15 months having an affair while on vacation in her home country (she's now back in the US).
I confronted her with a Plan A/Plan B strategy. She agreed to Plan A. The separation with the other guy is absolute (6,000 miles apart), I monitor her email and phone conversations. I also spoke with the other guy, and am confident now he won't be a problem again. So far, things are progressing well.
Now, to complicate things, my wife just got a job offer of her young life, and even I can see it as a one-of-a-kind opportunity for her career. Problem is, this job will move her to the East Coast (we're on the West Coast right now) for about a year, so our marriage will become a long-distance relationship for several months (I can't move there because of my job and certain support obligations to my parents). We have no kids, though.
I see this as a major deal-breaker for Plan A, even though technically it has nothing to do with the affair. I need her here, supporting me, my parents (my mother, who lives locally, has been recently diagnosed with cancer), and working on restoring our marriage per Plan A she agreed to. To me, sacrificing her once-in-a-lifetime career opportunity is the price she has to pay for breaking my trust by having an affair.
To her, I imagine, I am seen as an angry, controlling husband who has no regard for her career aspirations and her need for an independent identity. She's lost her parents at an early age, so the whole issue of support obligations to MY parents is difficult for her to deal with. She's friendly with my Mom, but probably doesn't see herself obligated to stick around and see the cancer saga through.
As for the move to another city, my wife says she loves me, and will make every effort to maintain the relationship. She points to the fact that we had a long-distance romance for about a year, and it was the most intense love story (I actually agree). She says she needs this high-profile assignment on her resume, as her initially promising career took a dive after she abandoned everything and came to the US with me (somewhat true). Since she would be getting a significant income boost, she promised to funnel excess funds towards my Mom’s medical bills.
However, after her recent affair, I have major trust issues about allowing my wife to take a job in a city 2,000 miles away, even though there’s no chance the other guy will ever try to join her there. So…if she decides to accept this job offer, I want to push Plan B right away and also file for a legal separation. I am not prepared to go the divorce route right now, given all other things happening in my life.
However, should we work out our problems and stay together, I am concerned about the lifetime of resentment I can bring upon myself by forcing her to abandon her dream job. I don’t want to be blamed forever for failures she will inevitably connect to not having this opportunity available to her.
How do I negotiate an acceptable compromise here? Does all this sound logical to you, or am I being too extreme? We’ve been to a marriage counselor, and she did state some concerns about my wife feeling totally dominated due to our recent move to the US, cultural adjustment issues, disparity in career, social status, etc. And, of course, as all victimized spouses, I want to be fair, but don’t feel I have to bend over backwards.
Any and all advice will be greatly appreciated.
