Hello,
Let me start off by saying that I'm so relieved to find a place where I can talk about my feelings with those who are or have been in some of the same situations that I am in.
Let me start off by telling you a bit of history about my relationship with my wife and then I will get into some of the nitty gritty.
My wife and I were highschool sweethearts. We've been together a total of 5 years and as you can see from the subject of this post 1.5 years of that being marriage. When we first started seeing each other it was great! We spent all of our free time together doing recreational things and we were often intament, not only physically but in every aspect of our lives. When I was 18 I joined the Air Force and moved 1300 miles away from my love. Having a long distance relationship was tough and I can honestly say that I was faithful in every way. She was too up until about 6 months before we got married. She met a guy, they became friends, and from there a relationship ensued. She has admitted to making out with him but never going any further. I want very badly to believe her but since she had lied about it during our first year of marriage it's pretty hard to believe much of what she says on the subject. Anyway, she swears up and down that she has cut off communications with him and that I am the only one for her and that he made her realize that she is supposed to be with me. Other things that happened in our first year of marriage were that she moved out of her parents house and came to live with me where I had been living 1300 miles away. This was all very hard for her since she didn't have any friends and was very scared of the idea of being in a brand new place. I did my absolute best to be a supporting loving understanding husband. I tried to include her in everything that I did and spent most of my time with her. I am now out of the Air Force and we've since moved back to our home state. We live near her comfort zone and both have jobs that make us happy.
Now, the issues. As you may have guessed from what I mentioned above I have a very hard time trusting her after she lied to me about her relationship with this guy. I check her e-mails frequently and look at the cell phone call numbers often. I just found out about it in june of this year so it's still fresh on my mind. I'm very scared of being hurt again and don't want to be vulnerable. I ask her about if frequently just so that she'll give me the reasurance that I am the only man in her life but that reasurance doesn't last because I usually psyche myself into thinking about all of it again.
Other issues that I have with our marriage are with her fufilling my sexual need. We have sex on average every other week. She has told me that she can't stand being touched by anyone to include me. She has never orgasimed when we've had intercourse and we've tried so many different things. (Positions, toys, games, roleplay.) She rarely gets turned on anymore. She often times says things to make me feel guilty for wanting to be physical. Two days ago I came up behind her and started touching her back and kissing her and pushing against her and she said, "What am I? Your whore?" It made me feel like such a loser. It's not like I was trying to violate her or do anything that a husband and wife wouldn't do. I just wanted to be physical after not having been for about 2.5 weeks.
Other issues. She takes out her anger or stress from work on me. She'll come home and treat me bad and just have a nasty, mean deminor about her. I try to leave her alone for a while once she's gotten home but in some cases interaction is inevitable and I usually end up getting angry at something she says to me or get my feelings hurt by the way she acts towards me.
I have to go for now but I will post more later. I would greatly appreciated any thoughts you could give. I don't want to get divorced and have been looking at listings for marriage counselors all day. I want as much help as possible. She is already seeing a therapist for her own issues but it seems to me like she hasn't made any progress. I don't tell her that though. I have read the book: His Needs Her Needs and found it to be a great read.

Hi atham,
So sorry to hear that things are going so poorly, but MB is a great place to be.
Your wife sounds very withdrawn. How long has the intimacy been suffering? Has this been going on since she was with the other man?
I hate to make you worry, but based on what you've shared, it sounds like there is a good chance that she is currently having an affair...emotional and/or physical.
I'd recommend visiting the General Questions area of the Infidelity forums.
Definitely keep pursuing Marriage Counseling. Even if you cannot get your wife to join you right now, find a pro-marriage counselor and start with individual counseling leaving your wife and open invitation to join you when she is ready.

Run a search for the 360 degree plan. Basically, when a spouse is withdrawn and nothing you do seems to be helping, you want to do the opposite. The 360 degree plan has very good guidelines to help you meet her needs without smothering her, committing love busters, while still attempting to meet her emotional needs.

Best of luck to you.
Hang in there,
Smile

I hope smileaday is wrong. I think it is easy for people to withdraw when constantly needled. You mentioned that you have this insatiable need to know that your the only man for her..your need for reassurance might be the cause of her withdrawl. If indeed it was just one kiss before you guys were married...dude, forgive and move forward...harboring resentment on both your parts can surely destroy the best of marriages. Let her come to you...be happy, dont push, try not to check her email and cell for one week. That in its ownself could be a huge part of withdrawel. Also, did you ever think that the reason she told you after you got married was because she truly had a fear of losing the man she loved? Not that it was right for her to not be honest. Just food for thought..but sometimes we have to dismount of that horse and move forward. Take smileadays advice and read all you can as you truly are in the right place. This site is a great tool for making your marriage better and becoming a better person in general.
ruby

Plain and simple, you got married WAY TOO YOUNG. Things will never get any better if she feels this way. You can't change a person, they can only change if they want to and it dosent' seem like she wants to. Tell her to shape up or ship out or you have a lifetime of unhappiness to look forward to. If you have no kids or assets it's easy to do it now then later

BobO, this is a MARRIAGE BUILDING web site. Your advice has very little potential to do any good.
I also think that their decision to marry young puts them at a disadvantage and they will have to work really hard together to overcome the odds. But, that does not mean we should tell him to start making demands and throw this marriage away. There are plenty of people who have come here from rock bottom and rebuilt the love in their marriage.

Understanding the problems typically caused by marrying young is one thing. Saying they are doomed for failure is another.

Atham, I also hope I am wrong about your wife possibly having an affair. But, in reality the steps you need to take now to save your marriage aren't terribly different whether she is or is not unless that is an absolute dealbreaker for you. You still need to recognize the things that you are doing to push her away and discover the things that you need to do in order to encourage her to work with you toward saving this young marriage.

Best wishes,
Smile

smile, what I"m saying is REALITY, wake up not everything on this site works for everybody. If you take a turd, and paint it and put perfume on it the bottom line is that it's still a turd. It either works from the start or somewhat... or it's not going to, if every day of your life is miserable chances are that it's not going to get any better, hey nothing personal, it's just a reality for some couples

Is your wife taking antidepressants? Was she sexually abused at all growing up?

When I was younger I was sexually abused. Before I got married I was in a serious relationship with a man(before I met my husband) and we never had sex because I was disgusted by it. I didn't know why because I was very attracted to him. I did the same things that your wife is doing(getting offended when he made a move on me). It made me feel like his whore although he was a respectful guy. I could never figure out why I felt this way. I even thought about the possibility that maybe I was a lesbian. Eventually we broke up because he could not deal with being intimate only once every 2 weeks, and even then I would have to force myself. After we broke up I had a lot of time to analyze my behavior and why I felt the way that I did. Eventually I stumbled across the fact that the man I was dating subconsciencly(sp?)reminded me of the person who had sexually violated me growing up. I realized that certain things about his behavior matched those of my perpetrator, sexually and non sexually. This is why I felt so disgusted everytime he touched me or tryed to become intimate. This same scenerio also happened with the guy I dated before that, except for the revelation as to why I felt that way. Obviously I was unkowingly picking guys that had similar traits to this creep from my past. These guys weren't creeps, in fact they were nice guys. It was litle things that reminded me of this other person.

A year later I met my husband and August 27th of this year we were married. I have never even for a moment felt disgusted by his touch and, in fact, for the first time I actually like sex! I even initiate! I always thought that I was doomed to be one of those women who hates sex and being touched by men. But all along I was just turned off for psychological reasons. Oh and the fact that I am deeply in love with my husband might help too!

Please realize that there is something that your wife isn't telling you. People don't just change like that for no reason. Is she pregnant? Is she having an affair? As a married couple you need to sit down and ask eachother why you got married in the first place and what being married means to each of you. Marriage is much more than just living together. Unfortunately some people who marry young don't have realistic expectations of marriage. They think that it will make their ailing relationship better, that it will make the other person change. It might be hard to accept but perhaps you married for the wrong reasons. But if you love eachother and both WANT to be married and have a lifetime of companionship then you can work it out. But you both have to meet on a common ground and realize that this does not fall all on one person. If you feel like I have helped you at all and would like to talk about this some more email me at avogel827@aol.com