I have discovered that my husband of 2 years was having an affair. The other woman is someone he works with. I have met this person (her, her husband and 2 kids have been to my home). The affair lasted about 3 months, and only ended because I found out. That is the general story....The "unforgivable" part.. First, the affair started mid June of 04 and ended on Sept. 11, 04. I gave birth to our first child during this time. The other woman visited us in the hospital, and came to my house after we were home. My husband took pictures of her holding my baby!!!!!! My husband says he did not feel that I was meeting his emotional and physical needs. He felt this person was easy to talk to, and it led to an attraction that led to the physical affair. I am so disgusted. Is there anyone who has experienced this type of betrayal?
Any advise is appreciated.

Ugh. I am so sorry for your pain. But welcome to MB.

I would suggest you post over in the Infidelity area of the board...this spot you are on gets almost no traffic. However, I DO know there are a couple of ladies over there who experienced/are experiencing a H's affair during their pregnancy.

Good luck...

Kathi

Hi Limi

I have experienced the same type of betrayal. (I divorced my cheating husband after 10 years of marriage, two babies and at least four affairs. He was unwilling to seek help together. He married affair number 4 and cheated on her, too.)

Your husband says that you are no longer meeting his emotional needs. That is an area you can work on together. I do believe that a marriage is salvageable after an affair if both partners will work on it.

My x's affair was with her best friend's husband and a very good friend of mine. Did lots of stuff together as families before and during the affair. The "type" of betrayal you are feeling is just that, betrayal.

I would suggest that you talk to the OP's spouse. That will make you feel less victimized by the whole thing, and having done this myself... there's a huge sense of empowerment that comes from it... like you've done something significant. It can also go bad (mine did) and you'll be left wondering what the point was.

It sounds like you've been to therapy or something if your husband is saying "You weren't meeting my needs." This is the fog a lot of people talk about here. I'd take it as a sign of progress. The single most important thing for you right now is:
- Do you want to save your marriage?
- Can you get over this?

If the answers are yes, then work through this and be very patient with yourself and with him. If the answers are no, or you're not sure, Plan A and give yourself some time to clear your head from the betrayal and make a good decision for you and your children.

The betrayal will not magically vanish and there is no "I forgive you" solution that makes it all better. He's going to lie, be defensive, and do a bunch of really stupid things. The most important thing for him is to avoid contact with the woman... talking to her spouse will almost 100% ensure they have no contact. You're probably going to do some stupid things too. Affairs suck. Find some things you can do that clear your head... like exercising, going for drives, reading.

Your tendency will be to obsess and wonder... "did they plan on divorcing us and getting married?", "did he tell her he loved her?", "did he do special things for her that I thought were special to just us?", "am I better than his lover sexually?", etc. Not to be morose, but I wanted to know how many times, when, where, and what. The more I learned, the more I hated having asked. When I tried to let it go, I found myself having nightmares about it and obsessing even more. You catch them in a few lies and then it starts everything all over again. "You said it was only 3 months! But now it turns out to be longer! How can I ever believe anything you say?"

It's a miserable roller coaster ride. That's why anti-depressants are almost always in order. After a few months, I just got to the point that if she said, "We only had sex # of times." I would multiply that by 100 and assume the absolute worst case scenario I could imagine because I couldn't handle all the lies upon lies unravelling... and you never really know to your satisfaction exactly what happened or was going through their heads.

I chose divorce ultimately. It has been one of the best decisions of my life. There are people here who chose to stick it out and it has worked for them. Like I said, you need to buy yourself time to make a good decision. The betrayal is bad, but it's often followed by loathing and disgust at yourself (for having mistaken their character) and your spouse for what they did.

In the end, the light at the tunnel, is a place where you can see places you could've been better and a self-vow to become a better person in spite of them and what has happened. Someday, you'll be able to laugh at the stupid things you are going to do during this time of stress.

Best wishes.

Lyxa,
Thanks for the reply. It really is a roller coaster ride. We are in counseling, I believe when he says he wants to work things out, but I'm just having such a hard time getting over the hurt, anger, disgust, and down right anquish. It sounds so dramatic, but everyday is a struggle to get out of bed. How long was it before you knew that you wanted a divorce. My heart tells me that my husband is a good person, but everything he did is just so unbelievably cold and calculated. He says he never wanted to leave me, even though she hinted at it. How can I beleive that? What was the point of them "being in love" then? He says that looking back now, (it's only been a month and a half since they ended the A)he never loved her. He was just in a very bad place himself. What I can't seem to get past is that I was friking pregnant, and he is going to talk to me about emotional needs. He says there were times where he just didn't feel like I cared enough about him. So instead of talking to me, he screws around with this person......Basically, I want to save my marriage, but I'm in such a horible place right now where all I do is think about what they did, when, how many times, what they talked about, etc. Every time he tries to hug or kiss me, I see him and her together and it completley grosses me out. ..I keep wondering, "Why now?" -- If I wasn't good enough before, what has changed? ITS VERY EXHAUSTING!!!! We have been going to conselling separately for the last 3 weeks, and I hope he is learning more about what made him do these things, but I just don't know how to let it go.