I'm feeling very helpless and do not know what to do.

After a 6 year relationship, my wife and I got married this June. Only 2-3 months after we got married, she suddenly emotionally checked out. It was literally (too me at least) overnight.

We don't have sex. We don't do anything together other then chores and watching the boob tube at night. She is not interested in doing anything else.

When we discussed it, she told me she was going through some changes. She worried that I might not like them. As ominous as that was, I tried to be supportive.

I should mention that when we met, we were in 2 different states. She moved to where I was after dating long distance for a year and a half to 2 years. There were many issues with that, as I understand is typical in those situations.

Initially, she was completely dependent on me. She had no local friends and no job. Now, years later, we have bought a house in CT (we were living in NYC before), She has a job with people she likes with who she is developing friendships.

At first, she said she was concerned that I would be upset because she wanted to spend time with her friends. I was thrilled. Until I learned that it was with the exclusion of me. Furthermore, she shows little interest in any activity with me.

After a month of her growing more and more distant. We had a long talk again. Now it came that she didn't know who she was. She wasn't sure she's someone who should ever be married. (Believe me, this is the first time I've heard her say any such thing in over 6 years. Before, she was upset that we didn't get married earlier)

Now, to me, it feels like I'm living with a roommate, not someone who I just married 5 months ago. I feel betrayed, ashamed, insecure and just plain hurt.

I asked her to go to counseling with me. She refused. She said she wants to see a counselor but alone because she needs to work on herself. Figure out who she is and what she wants. (I support this to a degree... if she were to see a counselor, at least it would mean she was getting help.) That was 3 weeks ago and she still has no counselor... still doesn't even know if her insurance covers it. This hurts me because it means nothing is being done to save our marriage.

Despite all this, she says she loves me... though to be honest, I'm not sure she believes it. I think she feels she SHOULD love me after all these years and having just had our wedding, but perhaps she doesn't and is afraid to admit it.

So now I'm in limbo. My wife is completely emotionally absent from me. I'm depressed but don't where to turn. My marriage is crumbling and can't do anything about it. I'm supposed to just sit and wait while my wife figures out what she wants. In the mean time, my defense mechanisms tell me to withdraw... which I feels only further undermines our marriage.

So today, I find myself looking informationally for 'quickie divorces.'

I love my wife with all my heart. I respect that she has soul searching and want to encourage her to find out more about who she is. But it seems the immediate effect is she questions everything about who she is, including us. I know that she has issues with me (in our discussions, she mentions things in the past which made her unhappy). She says there's nothing I can do, she needs to figure it out. In the meantime, I'm depressed. And the best way for me to cope is to think of my wife as already being a part of the past so that I can move on.

Does this sound normal? How can I do anything if my wife won't let me? She says its all about her and I just need to wait.

I don't know how to fix my marriage, nor how I'm supposed to cope with my feelings now without completely withdrawing or going crazy.

Sorry for rambling.

Hi,
It seems weird to hear someone say their spouse is unhappy with themselves and doesn’t know who they are anymore. That’s exactly what my husband did to us (meaning my 9 month old daughter and myself). I am at the same point you are in limbo, hurt, angry, depressed, all those emotions and just want answers.

My husband and I have been married for 20 months now and I thought everything was not great but good because all married couples have issues. He is away at school for work and called me to tell me he doesn’t know if he wants us anymore. He is unhappy with himself and who he has become. I have done nothing but put him and his son first since the day I met him but he says I have made him a different person and he isn’t happy with who he has become. We are were supposed to move after he finished school to another state but now I am stuck at my parents house with a baby in limbo waiting to see what he decides to do. And I am supposed to accept his decision no matter what it is. How can I give up on someone that means the world to me, that I have a beautiful daughter with and someone that I love this much just because he has decided he isn’t happy.

All I do is cry and cry. I eat but am losing weight like crazy. He did agree to talk to someone when he gets in town (he will be here a few days before he completes his move). But he doesn’t want me to get my hopes up because he has already made up his mind and I can’t change it. He doesn’t want to stay at my parent’s house with me and the baby when he is here because he doesn’t want to give us “false hope”.

At first he wanted me to wait it out but I don’t know how you are but I need answers I can’t stay in limbo so I pushed and that pushed him away even further. I am so scared to see him when he gets in town on Sunday. Scared because I don’t know how to react when I see him. Do I hug him do I not. What is the protocol here?

He isn’t just walking out on me he is walking out on his daughter that’s what hurts. I did like you though, but instead of looking up quickie divorces I talked to a lawyer to see what my options are since I have a daughter to think about.

But for you your wife could always see some at a church that’s free (here at least). The best thing I did for myself was go and talk to someone here at the church. It might help you. My husband wasn’t there but it helped me to think a little clearer and I wasn’t upset when I left. For the first time in a while I was thinking more positively. It lasted a few days because then he got weird on the phone again but it helped at the moment.

Sorry for babbling on! Feel free to keep babbling I am learning it helps!

It sounds to me like your wife may be doing something you're not aware of. Wanting to 'hang out with friends without you', is the first clue to an affair. I've seen it myself with other relationships...distancing is never a good thing. Try to get some more information from her, or her friends. The other thing, is that the commitment could've changed her. Up till now, she's had the freedom of knowing that she could break it off easily at anytime... now, if she wants to break it off, it will most likely be expensive and heart breaking, which could make her feel very nervous. You need to have an in depth talk with her, and let her know how you feel as well.