Hi,
I have been married for less than a year but have been with my husband for 3 yrs. I am 25 and my husband is 27. My problem is that our sex life is ruining my marriage. My husband believes that he should have it more than once a week and if he doesn't get it, he will throw a fit. He just told me that if he doesn't get it twice a week than he is going to find it somewhere else. He believes that have sex more often and spontaneous is a basis of a good marriage. I believe that is untrue but I am tired of having this conversation with him. Please HELP!

Ok, while I don't agree with his tactic, you have a lot of really good information here.

1. You husband is being honest about how he feels, he wants more sex.

2. You may not agree with his view that it's the basis of a good relationship, but if you read the materials here, you will find that meeting your partner's needs is a great way to base a relationship.

Therefore, if your husband has as a critical emotional need, sexual fufillment, then he is right in a sense that meeting his need for sex is crucial for him being happy in the marriage.

You can't change him, but you can examine how you are going to meet his needs.

I'm sure you wouldn't want him to invalidate any needs you have, so why do you think it's ok to dismiss his need?

Perhaps the two of you can come to an enthusiastic agreement about frequency.

But remember, he gets to pick what is important to him, you only get to decide if you are going to meet his expressed need or not.

TB

PS, sex isn't ruining your life, not dealing with his needs and your needs in a healthy fashion will be the ruin of both of your lives.

PPS, I'd suggest you copy your original post up in the Emotional Needs Section as that area gets more traffic

<small>[ November 23, 2004, 02:51 PM: Message edited by: javaSansContour ]</small>

IMSOSWEET - LISTEN TO YOUR HUSBAND! He means what he says and it is the truth.

Don't go down the road my wife and I have - it has led to much pain. All because my wife didn't listen to me when I told her the same thing. That we were not having sex enough, with passion, and with variety.

She chose not to believe me or do anything about it and now we are in so much pain it is not even funny.

You have so much power - if you only knew. Use it and see your relationship go to new heights. I promise.

Get into sex with your husband - it will pay you big dividends.

First let me say it does NOT sound like your husband is approaching this subject in a loving, Christian, mature manner.

But that being said, PLEASE do not dismiss the needs he has expressed (however poorly he did it.) Having sex twice a week is NOT unusual or excessive.

I encourage you to do a few things. First, visit www.themarriagebed.com. Check out the articles there, start with the ones on Sexual Responsibility and Sexual Stewardship. Then be sure to go to the discussion forums, scroll down, and visit the "Sexual Refusal" section. It breaks my heart to read the stories there of the men and women who love and desire their spouses, but their spouses just don't understand how much their sexual refusal HURTS their partners.

Second, check out the book Intimate Issues by Dillow and Pintus. It is written by Christian women for Christian women.

Yes, your dh has approached it badly. But PLEASE try to look beyond that to the hurt that is underneath. It's not just about him "getting off." Yes, physical pleasure is definitely part of it. But there is so much more to it than that...it is about connecting with you on an intimate, emotional level that just can't be achieved any other way.

Please open your heart on this subject and PLEASE visit that web site, I hope you will allow it to give you a new perspective on things from your dh's point of view from people who are living the same situation and are devastated by it, and also find that book - for the sake of your marriage.

<small>[ November 29, 2004, 11:29 PM: Message edited by: Geliebte Frau ]</small>

Loved Woman,

That was a really great post, thanks.

TB

ISS,
Can you think of anything that would make you want more sex with your H? If you read His Needs Her Needs, you'll find that with most men sexual fulfillment is their #1 need. And if his isn't being met then it's like Dr. Harley said, people generally look to have their need met somewhere. If it ain't at home, they'll look somewhere else afterwhile.
Sex was a big issue with my H and myself, but it wasn't because he wanted more, it's because I needed more, I needed variety, and I needed there to be passion involved at least part of the time. His idea was it was only supposed to happen in a "compassionate" way. He refused to be spontaneous at all. I felt very inadequate, and went into a downward spiral on myself. Once I was depressed enough that I lost all drive, he wished I was back the way I was when we first married. I tried to change and be that way again but I could never make it with him.
I never cheated on him. And way back then neither one of us had heard about HNHN, or this post, or Dr. Harley's seminars.
I didn't believe in cheating, no matter what. I couldn't live with myself for that, so I started getting drunk every time my H would hurt me where sex was concerned. I didn't do weird things. Just got enough in me to numb up and not think about the things I wanted. To try not to feel the pain. Thankfully, I'm not the type to stay in any form of destructive behavior for long and I couldn't live with myself drinking so I started looking for a counselor. Finally found one and as long as my H and I were going to "FIX me" then everything was good. But when it came down to addressing his issues things didn't go very well. We were seeing a Christian Counselor and he's how we found out about Dr. Harley. The counselor was not one to judge quickly, but at one point he let me know, where my H was concerned, "you can't steer a parked car".
Please don't turn into a parked car in your marriage. Like I asked, Is there anything at all you can think of that would make sex with your H more appealing to you? Anything that would make you want it more with him?
Do you need more affection from him? Maybe more "romance"? ANYTHING you can think of?
Think about it and try not to use the selfish demanding ways he's using to get those needs met. Those ways only kill any love units that may already be built up. I'm sure they didn't make you feel good towards him.
When the two of you start feeling better about things, there is also a book by Dr. H that addresses stuff like that. It's called Love busters. It addresses many things that can kill the feelings of love towards one another.
Hope you two can come up with whatever it takes to make things better.
My H wouldn't work on anything. He was always a conflict avoider to the point that until something was ready to explode he refused to ackowledge it existed.
Work on it, you two can make it work together.
Sincerely
jnb

Honey, I wish I had your problem!!! Try wanting it every night at least twice a night. The only time I get to rest is when it's that time of the month. I thought I was going to lose my mind the first year of our marriage. He literally told me that I needed to see a doctor because I did not want it like he did. We have been married a little over 2 years. If he doesn't get it a least once or twice a night I have to suffer the consequences. He throw temper tantrums, slam doors, not speak to me and will give me the silent treatment the next day. It used to bother me but now, I have learned to ignore him. I am a working mother, clean, cook and do the best that I can to perform my "wifely" duties to my husband and if I am tired then let him throw his temper-tantrums! When he storms out of the room at night angry and all I rollover and sleep like a champ!!!

When you refuse to have sex with your husband , he believe it means that you don't love him or care for him. He feels it very deeply.

sex is the way he feels his love for you.

I know its hard for you to understand that but if you keep refusing him , everyone will suffer.

the trick is to learn how to enjoy sex with him.

I'm sorry, but I just can't buy this, (and I'm a man).

A mutually respectful loving relationship does not involve one partner being essentially forced or emotionally blackmailed or verbally or emotionally abused into submitting to unreasonable demands. (And anything you don't want to do is an unreasonable demand, regardless of how reasonable it sounds).

There is no right answer for frequency, what's right/desireable for one person, is not necessarly right/desireable for the other.

But I truly believe that as each partner meets the others EN, they will find harmony in their SN's.

In my mind, a demand for sex is a demand for power. Demands of any kind are not foundations for a good relationship.

sounds like Jaye is on the right track.
Dr. Harley once told me that two people that are "in love" with each other do not have trouble with sex. In that case it more or less falls in place all by itself.
Are you aware of your needs (his needs, her needs)? What is he doing to meet those needs?
The more those needs are met, the more you will want sex with him. Believe it or not, it works!

Becki