My husband and I have been married 3 months. We had an out of town courtship until the day we said "I do". Before we got married we completed a marriage counseling workbook that left no stone unturned in not only preparing you for marriage but also in determining whether or not you should marry at all.

This week I found out that he'd been having a sexual relationship with a married co-worker before we got married. He started off dening he even knew her and eventually admitted to sleeping with her a couple of times before we got married.

If he had not continued the relationship (not the sex part, by maintaining communication with her) after we had gotten married, I would have never found out about her.

The problem is that he hasn't been completely honest about the situation to me, but he feels that he has given me enough information for me to move on. He also probably feels that as long as it was before he got married, its not as bad.

I'm at the point where trust is not an issue, because I know without a doubt that he CAN NOT be trusted. But do I wait it out until he does cheat in our marriage? I feel that he has no real remorse about what he has done because he hasn't really come clean about the whole situation. Can a cheater really change their ways if they haven't made a full confession? If he cheated before we got married, won't he cheat after?

I also, now believe, the main reason for him getting married was because he wants children very badly and right away.

<small>[ December 01, 2004, 05:15 PM: Message edited by: white_dove777 ]</small>

I don't have any great advice as I didn't read your full post, but I did catch this:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 4) My husband also wants a baby very very badly. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">For goodness sake whetever you do, don't even CONSIDER even ATTEMPTING to get pregnant. This should be the LAST thing on either of your minds with your marriage as it is. Having a baby will NOT miraculously make everything better. Don't even contemplate it.

Hi White Dove,
I'm really sorry that you are going through this.

You said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can a cheater really change their ways if they haven't made a full confession? If he cheated before we got married, won't he cheat after?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you are right in believing that someone won't change their ways without a confession. Just as important (if not more so) as a confession to you, he needs to be honest with himself. There is no way you will know if he is being honest with himself about what he wants from marriage, what he needs sexually, what he wants/needs with regards to children, and all of his other expectations if he is not honest with you. So, it is very important that you are both open and honest about everything in order for your marriage to succeed.

Be aware of your role in his honesty. Make sure that you are creating a safe environment for him to be honest. As hard as it usually is, sometimes we have to just hold our emotions back so that our spouse feels comfortable being honest. It's so hard, but sometimes we have to thank them for their honesty while calmly sharing our own feelings in a way that encourages further honesty.

Building back trust in your relationship will be a long and difficult journey, but it won't even start until you both can come clean about your past and future expectations.

Hang in there. I honestly do not think it is possible to know someone well enough to get married with any kind of confidence and security without several years of close contact. I do think it is possible to create a loving and trusting relationship with hard work from both of you.

Best wishes,
Smile

white_dove77:

I'll tell you from experience that once a cheat does not always mean always a cheat. Like you and your spouse my husband and I had a long distance relationship, although we did see each other throughout our courtship. We also completed a marriage counsleing work book too. Before we were married I cheated on my spouse. I told my spouse and was remorseful about my actions. However shortly after we got married I had an extramarital affair, minus sexual intercourse. I say all this to say we have been married for over four years now and I haven't cheated again. I truly felt sorry for my actions. More important than that I saw that what I was seeking in others I already had in my spouse. I realized that the only man I desired and longed to spend the rest of my life with was my husband , period. Therefore being involved in any relationship sexual or emotional w/ any other man would be fruitless and unbenifical to my marriage. I said all this to say, yes it is possible for people to change there ways. As for your husband wanting a baby I would personally wait. It seems that you are having some marital issues that you should discuss and work through them before trying to create a family. Deciding to add to your family is a big decision that will effect the rest of your lives. If you are concerned about trust and honesty and questiong whether to stay as a result I would wait until1. you choose to stay w/ your spouse and 2. work through the problems you are having and 3. budget for your bundle of JOY!. I hope this helps. If you have any questions or would like to email me privately contact me at cali_smile99@yahoo.com