After 17 years of marriage, I just learned that my wife had had sex with about 25 men. 4 of them were from committed relationships and the other 21 were one-night stands.

It is not that she was keeping it a secret. It's just that I never asked. We just happened onto the subject one day. When I learned of this, I was really floored, out of my comfort zone, unhappy, mad, frustrated, and many other things.

My wife went on to explain that all of the one-night stands (1/2 were while in college and 1/2 were while in her first two years of her career) were basically because of low self-esteem. In other words, she would go out dancing with some of her girlfriends and end up taking some guy back to her apartment. Rarely did she go to the guy's place.

I always felt that my wife was quite innocent and then I find all of this out. I can deal with the 4 committed relationships but the one-night stands blow my mind!

She has gone on to tell me that she just wanted affection and the attention of a man and that she basically knew that the price of the dinner and attention would be to have sex with him. She is quite ashamed of this and she really doesn't like to discuss it. However, she has agreed to answer all of my questions because she says that I am that important to her and that she wants to have no secrets from me.

She has clearly stated and I believe her, that she has had no affairs while we have been married. I, too, have had no affairs while we have been married.

My biggest problem with all of these revelations is that I can't quite understand why low self-esteem would do this. Specifically, she says that it was a combination of low self-esteem, lonliness, and wanting affection. I have asked her if she was really so naive as to think that she would not have to have sex after going out, eating dinner, leading the guy on with kissing, etc. She said that she basically knew that sex would be required. She also said that she was always ashamed to talk to the guy the next day and so the one-night stands really were one-night stands.

Anyway, here I am, thinking, if I had known all of this information before getting married, I might have thought a lot longer about whether to marry her. Now, we have two children and I am in my late 40's and I couldn't change course because I am a responsible person and it was, afterall, done prior the time that I ever met her.

Finally, I have asked her why is took over 20 guys to get the message that they guys basically wanted one thing. She said that she didn't know why it took so many before she just felt like she needed to give up on men.

She actually was out of the dating game for over one year before I met her.

We are committed Christians and one of the first questions that she ever asked me was if I was a Christian. She said that she would not have started dating me if I were not. Apparently, she felt that this question would help her to find an "appropriate" man.

I wish someone would please explain some common-sense ways to handle this revelation of over 20 guys having had my wife before I did. It really hurts me and I would like to get over it. I don't like the fact that even after all of these years, that my wife was involved with more men than I can imagine.

Thanks.

I forgot a couple of other things.

She would almost all drink too much so that the "event" was easier to do.

She states that she never enjoyed it because she knew that she was doing something wrong.

Granted, you probably would not have been married had you known her history, but 17 years later, she has shown one man love -- you. During this time, it sounds like she has been meeting your emotional needs and you have been meeting hers.

When is comes to one-night stands, there is no "connection" with the other person. It's basically hormones and organs working. From your post, it sounds like your wife has loving "connection" with you that is both emotional and physical.

I've been married 11 years myself. A initimate connection is a wonderful thing. It's hard to get that with another person.

<small>[ December 04, 2004, 02:56 PM: Message edited by: QuietGuy ]</small>

Thank you for your thoughtful answer. I am working on trying to get this 'new' knowledge behind me where it doesn't bother me so much. It is true that I should have been given this information, before we were married, from her.

Hi Charles,
I hope I can help with this a little as I went through a similar phase during college.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My biggest problem with all of these revelations is that I can't quite understand why low self-esteem would do this. Specifically, she says that it was a combination of low self-esteem, lonliness, and wanting affection. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I admit I didn't have sex with that many guys during my phase (only 6 intercourse, another 3-4 oral), but definitely more than I like to admit to myself, to my husband, and to anyone else. I also hate to talk about it and would rather just forget it ever happened.
I know I was used, but at the time, the attention was worth it to me. I was very vulnerable from past relationships and was going through some very rough times with the death of close family, the loss of my identity (I was a saxophonist and my jaw broke, so I had to quit and went into a completely different field unable to face my friends who were musicians), and situational depression in general. I only had a couple literal one night stands, so we're different that way, but the reason why I had sex with these men at all sounds to be the same as your wife's reasoning. I was desperate for attention. When I put out to these guys, I felt wanted, I felt desirable. The fact that they sought me out for more during my darkest hours made me feel better about myself...at the time. Of course, when I look back over my shoulder at what I did and what I felt, I'm disgusted. They were dirty secrets. I no longer had the glory of being a prodigy saxophonist...that was who I was. I suddenly was a stranger in a new department, with no friends, without the history I prided myself of, and with a load of self-esteem and family issues. So, while I was with those guys, I got to pretend I was someone desirable while the rest of the time I was nothing. From what I learned from those experiences, I'd rather be nothing than such a tool, but so we live and learn.

I did not want to tell my bf at the time (I have not so much as flirted with another guy since I met my now DH) about that darkest hour. I did not want him to think less of me. Turns out that when I told him, he didn't think less of me...he actually was jealous of my experience since he had been with so few people. It wasn't a territorial thing at all...he actually felt inadequate and I still wonder if he understands how much I hate that period of my life. I explained to him that I'm thrilled that he was too much of a man to take advantage of vulnerable girls with low self-esteem. But, yes, I did tell him. I never told him how many. He never asked and that is not important to him (he told me this). I probably made it sound like I slept with more men than I did, so he'd probably be relieved if he ever wants to know the actual. After reading your post, I wonder if I should just force him to listen to the truth so that we can deal with it now if necessary.
I'll say this, though. The higher that number, the harder it would be to admit to my husband and to myself the truth.

I've always believed "if you don't want to know, then don't ask". But, I've since learned that want to know and need to know are two different things. There are certain things that we may not want to know but that we need to know in order to experience honesty and security in our relationships. I can completely see how your wife would choose not to bring up this embarrassing piece of her life without you asking. The more time that went by, the less necessary it probably seemed, esp. if you had a good relationship.

My advice. Let it go. I have a really hard time letting things go, but I bet you your wife will never forgive herself for letting herself be taking advantage by so many men, so it's not going to help if you will not or cannot forgive her. It's in the past...the distant past. She loves you and probably would have owned up to the truth whenever you had asked her. The fact that you never explicitly asked about her sexual past is your own fault, so don't hold that against her. It was very difficult for me to offer up this embarrassing information without him asking. It would have been so much easier to pretend it never happened and focus on building a strong relationship. Honesty is the most important aspect of my relationship and I wanted my partner to know that and the only way for him to truly understand that was to tell him things that I'd rather not tell. I imagine that is uncommon especially for young couples. I'm actually surprised I had the courage to be so honest early in our relationship...that is something that I am proud of.

Best of luck to you two. Please let it go. It's not worth the pain it could cause if you let it.

Smile

Hello Smileaday, I really appreciate your thoughtful reply. I read your post several times very carefully and my wife read it too. You put a lot of time into helping me and I want you to know that I really appreciate it. I learned one more fact earlier today - that was that my wife saw a number of her girlfriends doing the same thing and that a number of her girlfriends were actually finding husbands this way! My wife truly started to think that this type of date-and-have-sex behavior was profitiable for some. Of course, it was also mixed in with the low self-esteem, lonliness, wanting to be loved, etc. But, I could not make sense of things until she said that others were finding lifetime companions while having this sort of permissive sex. Anyway, I now feel like I have a more complete story from her that causes things to make more sense for me. Also, I feel like you helped very much too. Thank you again and I hope that you have a wonderful life and new child.

Hi again, Charles. I'm glad I was able to help a little.

Even those girls who were seriously looking for a life time mate...I believe they had self-esteem issues. Sure, some women just really, really enjoy the excitement of sex with different people...some women have the same testosterone-driven sex-drive and do not connect much emotion to the experience. But, I bet most women come out on the other side feeling used when it is all said an done.

I'm so glad that both of you are working through these feelings together. That's more important than anything. Just learn from the experience. Decide how to address these "don't ask if you don't want to know issues". Practice radical openness and honesty and grow together from facing this belated frustration. Just don't let something that happened so long ago beat you.

Best wishes,
Smile

I learned that my husband had sex with over 40 and he can't remember their names. I had only 2 partners, my first husband and a fiancee who raped me after we broke up.

Most of his were one night stands and he wants to maintain relationships with some of them. One of his first sexual experiences was being taken advantaged of by a babysitter and he wants to be friends with her now (because it is his parents best friends daughter and he never told of the incident that got him addicted to sex, porn, etc).

I will not accept him having a relationship with any of them and I think I would not have married him had I known.

However, the reason I feel this way is because he boasts about his past, he has no remorse. If he had remorse, I would be able to let it go. I am a teacher, our classrooms are capped at 25, so his numbers freak me out. Plus, he has done all kinds of stuff, multiple partners at the same time, etc and I want nothing to do with it but I feel like it is in the back of his mind.

I really believe that your wife had low self esteem and means what she says. It is probably shameful to her and it may make her feel bad when you bring it up or refuse to forgive her of mistakes that she commited before she found a wonderful husband like you.

Also, I know a woman who found a multimillionaire husband through a one-night stand.... and LOL if I could have found that I might have tried but I had been molested as a child and it kept me from wanting to have anything to do with sex for years. I ended up marrying this man who treats me pretty bad, gives me less than 10 minutes of his time daily, when he wants sex says "he wants to hit it" or some other vulgar remark, and I wonder what I saved myself for....

You are lucky to have a good honest wife, forgive her and be her safe person.