PLEASE HELP ME!!! I don't understand what's happening...

I have only been married six and a half months and I have never felt sooo sad or so lonely in my life. I dated my husband for 3 1/2 years before we were married and we had a wonderful time together. So, last January we got engaged & we got married on June 5, 2004- neither of us have ever been married before. After the wedding,everything was wonderful. He moved into my house and we had such a great first month together...

Then, in July, his cousin (who was his bestman/best-friend), his wife, and their 2 1/2 year old son moved half way across the country to live 2 miles from us- since they are such great friends-- "like brothers".

I had only met his cousin one time (2 months after I met my husband- he was just my boyfriend at the time). We drove to his cousin's house for the weekend for a surprise 30th birthday party. His cousin had just gotten married about a month before (married on his 6th date in Las Vegas- where his wife was from). His wife threw him a surprise party because she thought he seemed to be having a mid-life crisis about being married- since he used to be such a "swinger & admitted "slut & womanizer" & was in "mourning that that had all changed". My husband & his cousin also used to live together (in our town) years ago (before we ever met) and his cousin refers to those as "the good-old days".

Well now, (since July), all my husband wants to do is spend time with his cousin and almost NO time with me. I have tried on several occasions to join in & do something with them but I just really don't even like his cousin or his family as much as I have tried to. In fact, most of the time, all his cousin & his wife do is scream at each other in front of us (but tell me their just kidding), yell at the baby- but never actually discipline him- he's wild, or tell me that "I'll get over wanting to spend time with my husband soon (this is all just "newlywed stuff)". They are terrible! Also, one of his cousin's favorite things to do is to take the 2 year old to "Hooter's" for dinner (while his wife works) "'cause all the women flock around"...but he's "not interested in cheating on his wife". I really don't even want this guy around me or my husband.

It also seems that every time my husband goes to do anything with his cousin.. he NEVER comes home when he tells me he will (even when we have plans or he has promised to help me around the house) because "he can't help it- he always loses track of the time when he's with him". I have hardly seen my husband except to eat dinner, sit & watch TV in silence or go to sleep and, YES, that's all we do-- very little sex, just sleep. Say, "goodnight, goodmorning, I love you, bye"

Well, yesterday, when my husband had promised to help me organize my studio (as one of the only things I wanted for Christmas)... he instead went out Christmas shopping with his cousin for 1/2 the day-- They said they'd be "about an hour" when they left at 8:00am.

When he came home, I just began to cry... I told him how lonely I am and how he does this all of the time & how I feel so left out. I even asked him why he had married me. He said he married me because "he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me"... but, when pushed, he finally admitted that he "has more fun with his cousin than with me and that he thinks we actually have NOTHING in common". He went on to say that he is someone who needs "some time by himself" and "his own space" once and a while and "he needs that time by himself WITH his cousin". What???

I don't know what to do. I asked him to go to
marriage counseling with me & I think, after agonizing about it all day, I am going to INSIST that he goes with me & we work it out together... even if it's just my problem...

I don't know whose problem this is I really am starting to think I am just waay to needy & expect my husband to want to spend all of his time with me... then I wonder why I don't even get to spend more than 3 hours or so a week together (besides sleeping) with him?? Shouldn't he WANT to spend a couple hours on most week nights & at least 1/2 a weekend with me?? Am I just crazy, just needy or what?? I have tons of hobbies, I have lots of friends of my own, I have a full time job and career & I can find other things to do with ALL of my time-- but then WHY DID I GET MARRIED???? I thought I would get to spend MORE time with my boyfriend if I married him??? Please help-- be sweeet, be tough, be mean, I don't care.... but someone please give me some kind of helpfull advice!!!

Thank you, New Bride

I was almost as bad as your husband. When my wife and I first got married I was still in school and simply wanted to hang out with my friends in the lab. The few times my wife joined me it was great. That was the WRONG attitude. Wish I would have learned that earlier. I still need one night a week to myself. And I push her to spend the weekend with friends or family once a year so I get some alone time, but I do not want more than that.

Living in the past is not healthy like I did. Have you ever asked him what he wants out of this marriage? Can he join you in your hobbies? Here is something that my wife and I have used:
The Recreational Enjoyment Inventory (REI)

I'm going to start by suggesting you copy your post to the Emotional Needs board. It gets a lot more traffic, and you're likely to get more responses.

It's not unreasonable to want to spend time with your husband, just the two of you. Dr Harley recommends at least 15 hrs/week for a healthy marriage.

As for how to persuade your husband to join you, I'm hoping others will jump in with their ideas. I didn't do too well at that when I was in your position. My husband had a habit of saying, "I have a right to ... and if you don't like it, you can leave!" whenever I complained about such things. I know now that he would have capitulated if I had even looked like I was leaving, but I didn't have the courage to call his bluff at the time.

I suspect something like a Plan A/Plan B approach would be your best move. The plans are designed for cases of infidelity, but I think you could adapt them for a situation like this. You can read up about them on this site.

Basically, Plan A is where you fix the bad habits you know you have and try to negotiate with him for the changes you want him to make. How long you keep it up depends on how much of a change you had to make.

If that doesn't work, you go to Plan B. Write a love letter telling him you love him and want to stay married for life, but his actions are hurting you so much it's damaging your love, you need to get away before it's all gone. Then you state what terms you need for reconciliation (commit to counseling, or whatever).

Please consider posting on Emotional Needs. I'm not an MB expert, by any means.

You need to look into the POJA. Don't worry about Plan A - that's for infidelity and addictions. You institute a Plan A right now and all you will do is encourage this behavior.

What you need are tools for respectful persuasion, boundaries, and a good POJA. If you aren't enthusiastic about it, then it doesn't happen. (and vice-versa) If he cannot seem to keep track of the time while he is with his cousin, then the key to ending his hurtful, dishonest behavior with you is ending his time with his cousin. (See how quickly he will learn to look at a clock.)

I think the two of you need good marriage counseling - and that is hard to find. (You cannot, btw, insist that he go - that's a Selfish Demand.) Most marriage counselors should term themselves divorce counselors. Either talk to the Harleys or Penny Tupy (www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com).

If you cannot get your husband to respect your marriage and require that his cousin do so, well, then we can talk Plan B. You aren't there yet, you haven't even left the starting gate.

Welcome to MB and good luck.

Thank you both very much (Smidgen & *Takola*). I forgot when I posted that I was leaving for the holidays and wouldn't have any private access to computers. I am back now & ready to try all of your advice. I will start by attempting to cut & paste my post into "Emotional Needs" category & then I will sit & thoroughly read the ideas about recreational love-banking activities. I'll let you know if anything works-- thanks.

Also, my husband has agreed (even though he doesn't thoroughly "get what for") to go to a marriage counselor with me. We are going this Thursday night-- so I hope it's a good thing. I have never been to counseling before & really am nervous about having to repeat all the horrible-truthful things about his cousin to him & all of my opinions of these things (many have been kept to myself)-- i.e that he's a "slimeball" and "I don't want him near my husband EVER AGAIN!!!"

-New Bride

I hope everything goes well and the couselling!

My fiancee has a friend like your H's cousin. He is a slimeball. I can barely stand to be in the same room with him for too much time 'cause he just drives me nuts. Luckily, my F only goes out with him about once a week.

I think the counselling is a good idea. I understand what you mean about wondering why you even got married, it must be very tough.

I don't have much advice for you, except for the same as the others. The emotional needs questionaire is great... so, is the reading about recreation as an emotional need. It pretty much outlines that if someone does fun stuff without you... the time with you pales in comparasion. If you H is at all concerned with your marriage... he'll listen to it!

Good luck and keep us updated! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks for all of the new (and old) replies. I did also post this on the Emotional Needs board-- but now, for some reason, it is no longer showing up (and I did try to go to past messages).??

Anyway-- to give you an update... We went to a therapist and it was MISERABLE!!! i think she was pretty good-- but 85% of the first (and, so far, only) session we went to was spent complaining about each other in complete, hurtfull detail. We both found out stuff we didn't even know we had issues and problems with (both inside- personality wise and out- i.e. cleaning the house, etc.).

Well, i get extreme migraines under extreme stress &, needless to say, I had one sooo bad that night & the next morning that I threw up, my jaw ached like all my teeth had suddenly rotted, & I had to leave work early the next day to go home & hide in the dark all day. The next day after that was a Saturday and BOTH my husband and I felt ill with headaches and stomache aches all day... All of these symptoms left by Sunday morning & I am thoroughly convinved it was all caused by nerves & stress.

We do both think we should return but we are scared to spend 2 days feeling horrible after every session.

in the meantime (about 1 week has gone by), we have been house hunting and spending a lot of time by ourselves & with friends we both like-- so things have been wonderful. i just need to realize that everything is not "all better" yet & seek more therapy sessions to get some decisions made on "the cousin" (who my mom has now renamed "the problem")...

Thanks again for all of your help.
NewBride

As a veteran of marital counseling, I can honestly say that the first session is always tough. It's a matter of laying all your cards on the table and everyone is on the defensive. But it does get better.

You certainly need to go back, even if it is with a different counselor. Just make sure you tell her exactly how that first session affected you both. The good ones will jump-start you on different methods of communication in which you can both express your feelings without directly attacking one another.

As for the situation that lead you here, I think it is a symptom of an underlying problem and not the problem itself. After all, his cousin doesn't seem to be forcing him to spend all that time with him.

The point of counseling is not to change each other, but rather to change your own actions and reactions to the problem. Try to remember being happy is a lot more important than being right. Sometimes you have to give up one in order to achieve the other. Once you are both open to the possibility that you each had a role in how things have turned out, you will finally have the power to change it.