My husband and I have been together for almost 5 years, and have been married since June. We are planning to start a family in a few months (meaning I get pregnant in March or so). I think we are each dwelling on this coming change in our lives, preparing for it both together by having conversations about it, and also separately. We live far from both of our families, and so our social lives revolve around our friends. About twice or 3 times a month, we get together with one group, primarily my husband's friends (though I have grown to love them as my friends as well) and drink a little, smoke a little pot, listen to music and play games like CatchPhrase or Taboo, etc. We both enjoy this and look forward to it.
The other people we socialize with are another married couple (called D and S). We met them about 2 years ago through my husband's business. As a couple, they are very different from us. D, the husband, takes long business trips and his wife S is home alone a lot. She is 22 and he is 36. She misses him but doesn't seem to mind that much, because she works long hours and has many friends that she spends time with when he's gone. My husband and I are homebodies and can't be away from each other, and I think we are very interdependent. Despite these differences, I am very close with S, and when we go to dinner together or are at parties, we like to drink and act silly and girlish. ( My husband doesn't enjoy alcohol at all, he's allergic to most of it, and prefers smoking pot to have fun. I don't like smoking pot that much unless we are hanging out with a bunch of people and playing games or something. I prefer a cosmo or two.) Now, my husband usually reacts negatively when I drink. Case in point, last night, New Year's Eve. On the way to our evening plans my husband kept warning me in jest that I better be good, and not too tired afterwards so we could have sex. We were going to a party at D and S's house. I was drinking. Nothing wierd happened; We played Catchphrase, S and I got everybody dancing after midnight struck, we all went to a diner, then drove home and i crashed into bed. No sex.
Today, my husband won't talk to me. It's happened before, after other parties ( not many, like 2 or 3 a year) and he literally shuts down and won't look at me, answers everything with a whisper in one or two words, and when I outright apologized for being too drunk for having sex he says he is still getting over it and can't talk about it now.
He has told me in the past that he suspects my friend S is a bad influence. He sees the way that she gets along fine when her husband is away and how she likes to drink, and he doesn't like those behaviors. He says that she is 22 and still in Party Mode.
This must have something to do with that. It bothers me immensely because I truly love S and while I see how independent she is, her husband loves her deeply and they are doing fine so why should MY husband feel so threatened? I have no intentions of becoming a party animal. I rarely drink alcohol when not in a social environment, and even then it's too expensive anyway. I tell my husband this but he doesn't seem reassured.

I don't mind that he gets stoned and fall asleep in front of the tv 4 nights a week and also when with his friends, but on the occasion that I drink too much, I get the silent treatment.
I know this is very long and involved, but it's something that I cannot figure out. Am I in the wrong here?

Hi!

I am in a similar situation as you are..in my case it is reversed as I find drinking distasteful and I dont drink while my husband enjoys it. I think from my point of voew it is important for us to keep in mind our partner's likes and dislikes keeing in mind his or her sensibilities which should not be offended. I have come to a compromise with my husband in that we do not keep alcohol at home..he may drink as he likes except in my presence. Perhaps you can do the same??

About your husband's reactions..I can sum it up thus:as I have heard most men enjoy sex and give it more importance than emotional needs..to them sex is most important in a marriage and by getting drunk when he most watns sex,I think you are depriving him of his needs...this is considered a sign of being a "bad"wife. I am not being judgemental..just telling you how you must be getting percieved by him!! Best would be for you to give up drinking...as I think you can understand how it is ruining your relationship with your husband!! Prioritize!!

However if you still insisit on drinking..do it in his absence..perhaps when he is on tour?? Drink moderately and dont overdo it..such that you dont fall asleep when he most wants sex from you. Else am afraid you are driving your husband away from you...he may find himself another girl who can give him the sex as and when he wants it..and your marriage could be over...esp at such a critical time as when you are planning to start a family!!!

Pls think this over and let me know your reactions.

echobonita

Echobonita
Thanks for you thoughts
I know that it is a LoveBuster to drink like that when I know he doesn't like it. I am sheepishly aware of that, but also I feel justified because honestly I don't like it that he smokes pot so much. I may ask him to stop smoking if I agree to stop drinking. Is that fair? We all have our vices, and I guess I felt justified because of his smoking habits. It bugs me that I have to get out of bed to rouse him from the couch three times, but if I leave him there he thinks I don't care enough to ge to sleep/maybe have sex with him. I have also told him that when he is stoned I don't enjoy sex as much because he just lies there and barely touches me. He LOVES this, he says. It seems to me that if he gave up smoking, at least when at home around me late at night, and if I gave up drinking, at least to the point where I am screaming with laughter and sleeping in the car on the way home, our sex life would be better and he would be getting his needs met. What do you think?
It's great to see how the other side views this, but since you're not my husband I don't feel the stress of conflict.

hi.

I dont think there is anything wrong in what you said...you can suggest to your husband that this is your compromise...you quit drinking around him and he could quit smoking pot around you...else whenver you both do these things together..then it's NO SEX for you two!! Let him decide which of the two he prefers!!

I may be mistaken..but from your mail,I guess you are choosing to drink just in a case of Tit for Tat..that just bcoz he does something you dont like,you should also do something he doesnt like!!
But just think and see..by doing this,how different from him are you behaving?? I also think that though you may enjoy drinking,why not look at other things that could give you as much pleasure?? Try gymming together with your husband..or going camping..or shopping...do something else. This cud work as a substitute for drinking.

Myself...let me tell you what am doing to stop his drinking...am now letting him have a free hand in drinking..in the hope he feels guilty sooner or later and gives up this habit!! Coz he does know I hate this habit..and seeing how uncomfortable I already am..and that am making this sacrifice for him...he may just decide to gradually reduce and then stop this habit.

Both of you need to think of the consequences of your habits...how it is affecting your relationship...

It is very nice talking to you this way..so I am looking forward to hearing more from you...

echobonita

I gave it a lot of thought this weekend and decided to do what you sugggested. I told my H that I wouldn't get drunk around him again and when with big groups of friends. I said that I enjoy wine too much to give up one glass with dinner if the occasion arises but that I wouldn't get drunk again. I also confessed that his pot smoking bothered me enough to feel somewhat justified. He said that even if he's stoned, his behavior and attitude towards me doesn't change, but if I am drunk I treat him differently. While I don't see this, I told him that I was sorry and I hoped that my New Life's Resolution would change things for the better. He said that he had decided he never wanted to go to another New Year's Party again, and I said that I hoped it wouldn't have to be that way if I kept my promise.
One other thing, sort of unrelated: I told him that if I become pregnant, I expect that he would stop smoking pot. Three reasons: 1, that i would appreciate if we would be pregnant "together" and eat healthier, no drinking, no smoking pot, 2, I don't want the smoke around me and the baby, and 3, he's going to have to stop when the baby comes anyway so why not now when we can start a new lifestyle at our choice and not prolong the inevitable.
My H didn't see how his smoking pot while I was pregnant would be a problem. This was a conversation we had last night after sex when he was sleepy but willing to talk. At this point he fell asleep.
What are your thoughts?

hi,

ok...going by what you did...all is going on track!! Not to worry...!!! Yes..your husband needs to quit smoking pot...tell him how unhealthy it is!! But..remember it is an addictive habit..he cannot quit it overnite...it has to happen bit by bit..gradually. So give him some time...dont ask him to quit overnite..and what he can do is if he feels like smoking pot..let him do it out of the window..not anywhere near you that either you or your wud be baby cud get affected!!

Similarly,you need to think of quitting drinks..remember,alcohol is bad for pregnancy..it can result in premature birth or low birth weight baby both of which are equally bad!! I am telling you this from personal experience...I have a 7 yr old son and he was born premature...it wasnt easy..the first one year!! So keep this in mind..

If you expect your husband to quit his bad habits..you also must take some steps to correct yourself...after all,we agree none of us is perfect..so we cannot expect it frmo the other also,can we?? but,am sure he wud be happy to reduce and gradually quit his pot smoking habit if you assured him readily of quitting drinking.
since u indicated that your husband does not see how his smoking pot affects the baby,i think you shud let him hear this from an "expert"..what I mean is that when you decide on a baby,take him along to one of those family planning centres where they give prenatal classes...in that this thing about not smoking will also come up and then he will learn and realise it is bad to do this during your pregnancy..and if he is a good husband,am sure he will cooperate.

At worse,if he continues to smoke thru your pregnancy,you can be sure he woudl stop once the baby is born!! From my own experience I can tell you,men are great suckers for kids!! They may not listen to wives..but they could do anything for their own child...it is after all their own flesh and blood..and you know,blood is thicker than water!!

Give it a thought and tell me what you are going to do..

Sorry if i sounded a bit vague...but am ready and interested in helping you out!

echobonita

Thanks Echobonita
I assure you that once pregnant I would stop even the occasional glass of wine. I work with pregnant women and am well aware of the risks. I think you're right, that expecting my husband to quit overnight is a lot to ask. Once he starts reading and understanding what is going on inside me, he will probably see the light.
Ciao

HI

I am glad you have realised the ill effects of drinking during pregnancy..but you got to stop this habit now!! Not after getting pregnant...Let me tell you why....your body needs to be already healthy when you become pregnant..so let it start becoming clean now itself...as a start! Secondly,dont think it's going to be so easy as just deciding to quit and then doing it!! Coz even you would feel the occasional craving to drink esp when you see others..and am not talking about during the pregnancy..am talking of the time before it!!! So,start now..by gradually reducing the number of drinks and their frequency now itself...Let your baby grow inside you in a healthy environment and not in one scarred by so much of past drinking!! Think of it that way!!!

Same goes for your hubby...get him to reduce the frequency first...and then the quantity(in that order!!)Be prepared..it's going to be quite a bit of a struggle for him also..and there could be days when he might fight with you over this issue of giving up!! But you must be strong and patient!! That alone will help!! Both of you must be giving up your respective habits same time..that way you can give each other support in your respective struggles..and this would bring you closer to each other(in understanding,esp!)Think and see then...what a beautiful way it would be to start a family...to create a baby...and then your pregnancy would also be happy and peaceful..which is so important!!

Dont you agree??

echobonita

Of course, in an ideal world!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I will certainly try to think of all that you've said. Thanks for all your good advice.

The first night I met my husband to be we got high. We continued to revolve our lives around smoking pot for 13 years, 11 years of that we were married. We had 2 kids in the meantime, I quit while I was pregnant, he started "needing" it rather than just wanting it. Children are not the "wake up call", in fact they may actually keep him smoking just to be escape from his responsibility. Once I decided to quit for good and become totally responsible things just fell apart. He lost his party buddy, so he found a "new" one. A girl we had been friends with for some time. We used to hang out at her and her husbands house all the time. Her husband was gone sometimes for months due to his job, so she had lots of free time and she could work her schedule around his. Her kids were a bit older, so she was not so strapped with resp.

What I am saying is.... be absolutely sure that what keeps you together is not the "party" on either of your parts BEFORE you have kids. Children are a huge resp. and you both need to really be sure that you are ready to give up that lifestyle before you commit to adding to your family. Even if you are ready, make sure he is too before he tells you afterwards that he can't handle it and does something he will never be able to take back.

Just my experience.......that's all...

hi living in oblivion/dkkmar...

"living" is absolutely right!! you need to think more than a hundred times whether you are ready to sacrifice your partynig habits before deciding on starting a family...pls give these issues deep thought before deciding on the future course of marriage..

By the way...I also realised one thing about all men..before having kids,all of them will say they love babies and that they are crazy about having one or more than one!!But never believe this..coz most of the time all they are doing is trying to convince you to keep the baby..they want a baby only to prove their manhood to other guys..that's all...once the kid is born,most of them lose interest in it!! men are extremely wary if taking on responsibilites where bringing up a child is concerned...so think abt this also,DVK!! be sure your hubby is ready to take on the resp as much as you are...does he really want the kid now??!! and yes...most important of all...will the baby's arrival change your relationship with each other for the better??Will it bring you closer to each other??

echobonita

You are both freaking me out!!!
My H has showed concern for one thing so far. He is worried about what will change in me, my body (yay boobies but don't touch), my attitude towards him sexually, and I think our lifestyle definitely is in there somewhere. I know that every couple who "plans" a pregnancy must consciously choose another life, and say goodbye to the old one (at least temporarily), and that makes is harder to do. We travel a lot for weeks at a time, as you know we smoke pot (but it takes about 2-3 months to get through an 1/8th, so it's not like we're plowing through the stuff), and we spend most of our money on nice restaurants and other hedonistic activities. So of course we think about what changes will happen once baby is here. Doesn't every couple? My sister is due with her son in 2 months. She became preg. accidentally and is unmarried and only 22. She had to make some fast lifestyle adjustments with her boyfriend, since they were New Age Deadheads and partied all the time. Granted, it's been really hard for her to stop smoking cigarettes and pot and drinking, etc, but she didn't have to choose that so in my opinion it's almost easier for her.
"living", I have seen no indication yet that his pot smoking is an addiction. However, I have never asked him to stop before now. He has a stressful job and says it quiets his brain so he can sleep at night. I don't have a problem with it unless we try to have sex and he just lies there like a lump expecting me to do everything. This is probably 3 times a week. We smoke with our friends too and so he has many smoking buddies already. I usually only join in when there are more people around because I like the social aspect of the drug, whereas he likes to relax with it. Anyway, it's impossible to know how he will deal with quitting until he does it. Perhaps we should do a test to see how it is before I get pregnant? Sort of simulate the lifestyle changes?
Okay okay I am rambling now.

Hi,

Yes...you both could do a test before deciding on pregnancy and family planning...

Keep me informed..

echobonita

Hi,

Yes...you both could do a test before deciding on pregnancy and family planning...

And hey..what's this about me freakign you out?? Did I offend you by saying something?? If so,am sorry..maybe I got carried away...anyway,pls treat me as your well wisher...and be happy!!

I would want you to be happy...since you so much want to make your marriage work!!

Keep me informed..

echobonita

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by echobonita:
<strong> By the way...I also realised one thing about all men..before having kids,all of them will say they love babies and that they are crazy about having one or more than one!!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">((Echo)) That may be your experience with "some" men but please do not put us ALL in that little basket. There are many many many of us out there who are wonderful loving fathers and great husbands. That would be like me saying that ALL women are cheating tramps like my X...

((DVC))

IMHO make all the lifestyle changes FAR in advance of even thinking about getting pregnant. Like if y'all give up the bud and booze for 6 months before trying, just to see how y'all interact without mind altering substances.

Bill
It's a good idea. Since my H has shown resistance to giving up the bud just yet I may try to lead by example and cut out the drinks and smoking altogether. Do you think that's a good start? Admittedly it will be strange to hang out with all of our friends and not get high, but I am sure I can do it. Or it's time to make new friends. I am also confused by what you said in your response, that you are one who did not get addicted to pot but later found out that you were. So you were or weren't?

“””I am also confused by what you said in your response, that you are one who did not get addicted to pot but later found out that you were. So you were or weren't?”””



“””Or it's time to make new friends.”””

That sounds like a pretty good idea for me. I’m in no way against a little bud or a drink here or there when you’re single or married without kids. But it doesn’t mix with a family at all. There simply aren’t any positives and the potential for negatives is far to great.