I always knew he had a temper, and uses bullying techniques to control situations with us,
but I am going through some serious physical stuff, and I am constantly under attack.

I have completely withdrawn from trying to negotiate, because whenever I try adn enter the conversation when he's in a two hour angry diatribe about how i didnt think before I spoke, or think about my actions before doing something, or forgot to send him a message with my whereabouts, I have given up. When I try and enter the conversation, he gets more angry, discredits everything i say, and finds more things to be angry about with whatever i said, and even go as far to accuse me of lying.

I have studied communication, been a counselor, asked this guy to tell me his feelings, but this is a bit out of control We have only been married since september...

and is rushing me full of rage, into a corner, but not touching me considered abuse? Is preventing me from leaving the room when i want to escape the negative energy abusive as well?

how do I diffuse this? I have been shutting up, allowing him to diatribe, allowing him to have his anger and feelings, and get it out, only to say quietly " i understand why you might be angry" or apologize four times.... while he continues....

can this be diffused?

Hi...sorry to hear things are going so poorly.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and is rushing me full of rage, into a corner, but not touching me considered abuse? Is preventing me from leaving the room when i want to escape the negative energy abusive as well?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, undeniably so. That is very abusive. Just because he doesn't leave marks, doesn't mean he is not abusing you. I think you already know that, though. My first serious boyfriend did these two things, and then eventually he started squeezing my hand a bit two hard (nearly breaking my bones), holding me back when I tried to leave (leaving bruises on my arms), threatening to kill himself if I ever left him. This is all extrememly abusive and I'm so glad I was able to take a step outside of my young, vulernable body and look at how I was being treated. It wasn't just the physical things...actually, those things left a far smaller impact on me than the mental abuse...the trap, the disrespect, the fear.

Your husband needs to get help for his anger and control issues. You need to get help for yourself if you do not see these things as abusive. Actually, regardless, I know you'd have a lot to gain from talking to a professional (even if or even especially if you are a professional yourself--even psychologists need help working through these things because it is so hard to see things for what they are when you are stuck in the middle of it).

I think the first step in this situation (based on the limited details you shared) is for you to find a good pro-marriage counselor. Set up an appointment and invite your husband to join you. If he chooses not to go, you go anyway and let him know that you are not happy and plan to seek help for yourself and hope that he will change his mind at some point. Let him know he has an open invitation to all appointments and make sure he knows when they are without trying to pressure him too much.

Eventually, you may have to set some pretty harsh boundaries in order to keep this marriage going. Read about Plan A and Plan B to get an idea of how to proactively make changes to your relationship when the other spouse is unwilling and/or unable to see how extreme things have gotten.

Bottom line, focus on you, right now. Figure out what you need to feel happy, safe, fulfilled. Determine what you are willing to live with and learn to better respect yourself. Invite him to work on himself and work on the marriage, but don't try to educate him...don't try to counsel him.

Best wishes. There is a ton of great information in this web site.

Smile

thank you for your input. Yeah, I already figured out that the rushing is abusive, one time, I lost control and kicked and scratched and punched him.

I am american but live in spain, have been an illegal alien for five years, tryign to make my way. I am about to have a hysterectomy, going to the hospital tomorrow to make appointments.

I am not a therapist, but a clown, performance artist, computer specialist. I have studied communications in university, and taught self defense classes, I kickbox (so you can imagine if I lashed out at him, it wasnt very nice), tae kwon do, and circus stuff. I am not very wimpy. I am just amazed that I am in this situation. I used to do co-counseling, so that´s where I found my experience helping women out of situations like mine. I think the worse it gets the more I am in shock about it.

I am going to prepare myself other places to stay after my hysterectomy, I think because I dont believe he is emotionally able to support me through this. Then we´ll see about the relationship. I made an appointment with a therapist, but its not till february, and I understand that the social system here has marriage counseling too.

I have just been desperately trying to find outlets to deal with my situation to help me cope.

thanks again for reading.

Best of luck with the surgery. It's YOU time. Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself while you heal and worry about the rest later. I hope there are family or friends that can help take care of you right after the surgery, but even if not, you've got at least one stranger thinking of you and hoping that everything turns out for the best...I know it will.
Best strong.
Smile

thanks. I found out today that it might be awhile for the surgery. I am on a waiting list. DOnt have a date more than the 28th of april a gyn exam.

BUT started setting boundaries with my husband last nite in preparing mentally for surgery. and told him that if he cant be with me on this journey that I am ok if he wants to go his own way. That if its too much to ask from him, I am better off leaning on my girlfriends and taking care of myself. He actually turned around his attitude quite a bit. We had a long, calm talk, came to some good conclusions, and it made me feel a bit more confident that he was the guy i married, not just some stranger suddenly after the wedding day.

Abuse is about control, sadgrrl, so anything he does to override your will and force you to do something you don't want to - even remain in the same room - is abusive.

A) Definitely look at http://www.shirleys-wellness-cafe.com/urine.htm

B) There might be some other medical means for you to get well. Maybe prayer might bring you closer to them.

C) A nutritionist once told me that in a relationship that works, your partner becomes the parent you've had the most problems with. The relationship is there to bring those problems to the surface. It's one of the functions of a healthy relationship. Learning how to resolve those conflicts is the trick, and that's the real reward of a successful marriage.

Here's just something I'd like to add. Regarding abuse, sometimes a husband lashes out, but he's been disrespected so thoroughly (or violated in some way), that he sees no other route to "explain" to his wife that her words are hurting him...immensely. On the other hand, a wife may simply be using the patterns ingrained in her childhood, for example: yelling, insults, and squelching feelings.

I've been thinking about abuse lately, and I think husbands generally get a bad rap. Sometimes silent wives can be really really mean. That leads to an outburst, even an angry one, an "almost" abusive one (which actually is abusive), but the point is that mental manipulation, from whicher side it comes, is also abusive.

Maybe sadgrrl's husband feels abused, but in some other way. Maybe he doesn't feel listened to, or maybe he feels violated. Maybe he is trying to "rescue" the relationship by keeping her in the room. Maybe the husband is "catalyzing" some kind of growth in sadgrrl, which she is refusing. Is it cleanliness, is it professionalism, is it dedication...it might be something that the husband has "more" of, which sadgrrl lacks, which is actually one of the reasons sadgrrl married him, and which the husband subconsciously "agreed" to share with sadgrrl, but now, sadgrrl (at least as far as the husband can see), is refusing the growth that she, essentially "got married for."

Maybe the husband is just as shocked. I mean, sadgrrl kicked him. They are both abusing each other.

Is there an issue of "who say's what first?" Maybe some pride is involved, which both partners need to get rid of.

Is sadgrrl somehow "forcing" the relationship into its particular structure of abuse? Is it coming from both sides? Does the husband have abusive patterns in his past, and are they coming into the relationship? Are they just frustrated with cultural differences which aren't understood and "out in the open?"

I really hope and pray that you find counseling, appropriate books, a basis for communication, and that healing happens in both of your lives.

Also, I hope that the counseling you find is not one of "blame." Although the posts here are from concerned, intelligent, and friendly folks, they are essentially "siding" with the initial poster.

I hope you can not only look at your husband's "issue" with anger, but also at the real, possibly incredibly useful reasons why he might be getting angry.

Neither of these partners are "filling" the other's healthy "expectations" of what a marriage is about. Maybe bringing those expectations into a healthy discussion can help...and that might take some professional guidance at this time...maybe not.

Maybe you can show your husband these posts. Maybe his heart will melt when he sees how much you care, and that you've reached out for help.

Wishing you both safety, comfort, peace, and strength.

D--