I got married in May 2004 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Well, that was what I thought! Slowly but surely we have slipped apart <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I need to figure out if I should stay or just go. We have completely differnt goals and values in life. People always ask, "Well, didn't you know this when you got married?" Well, yes and no! We are both really young, me 22 and him 24. So, I thought we would grow together. He is still really into he party scene and I am not. He has a daughter from a previous relationship and has become a really slack dad. This then triggers me to ask myself, "WOULD I WANT TO HAVE A CHILD WITH A MAN LIKE THIS?" NO! SO, I have completely stopped being intimate with him, not only for that, but when he gets in bed he smells like a alcohol brewery, he doesnt help me with the house, and I have basically have lack of respect for him. Sometimes I think just give a little bit of time, but is it really worth the unhappiness I have now? I am young and smart, I have a great job, and I feel like he brings me down, will this ever change???? Some people say it seems like I have already made up my mine and dont give him a chance. Yes and No, I feel like his mother, and I want/need a friend and a partner in life. I work for the future, he works just enough to get by. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> His father is a heavy drinker, his parents have a very unhappy marriage, we always said we did not want to be like them. But that is what we have become. We are in our prime and have not had sex in almost 2 months, that is a problem, more because I am the one saying no. But I have lost attraction to him. I just want to be happy.


<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Hopeless & Confused

If you're coming here asking for affirmation that you should move on, I don't think you will find it.

Not until you've made a *serious* effort to heal the relationship.

There is good material on this site, up in Concepts and Q&A link above. I suggest you read it. twice. Many people are in the situation you are in.

But if you thought your relationship after the marriage was going to be like the courship, you are mistaken. After the wedding is over, the *real* work of building a relationship begins.

It's up to you to decide if you're just going to bail w/o putting in effort using proven techniques.

And don' tkid yourself, the next guy isn't likely to be any better. NOt that there aren't good guys out there, but making a marriage work is real work. It takes real effort, and real commitment. W/o that, it will never be a great marriage, although it may be a passable one.

What I'm saying (but not well), si that yes, there are *active* steps you can take that can initiate change in your marriage. Or you can sit on your hands, and cross your fingers, and hope things will change. They have no reason to change, if you're expecting some kind of miracle, I suspect you will be waiting a long time.

But there are steps you can take to heal the marraige, heal yourself, and your H may choose to join you.

And even if he doesn't, you'll be much better prepared for the next potential relationship.

<small>[ February 06, 2005, 07:24 PM: Message edited by: Jaye Mathisen ]</small>

What you said makes a lot of sense. However, with him it is a bit different. I have asked a repeated amount of times for the 2 of us to go to a therapist, he says it is a waste of money <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Which brings me to wonder if our marriage is a waste of time. If one person wants to try and the other does not, will it ever possible work??? And if I have such little respect for him, can I gain it back??? There is no doubt in my mind that I love him and he loves me, but is the love strong enough to grow and move forward. I know what you are thinking, only I can decide that. But, if only one triely wants to work on both of our faults is there a chance. He says, he will not change, and he does not have a problem with the amount of drinking he does. I do not want him to change who he is, just the self destructive habits he has. I am looking for help because I am young and unexperienced, in the long run I will make my own decision. I just would like to know if I am waiting for the inevitable, can people change??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hi. I just joined the forum. I read what you posted earlier and can relate to how you feel. I am 23 married at 22 and was on the verge, still kinda am, after the 7th month. My husband turn out to be a "sex addict" and cheated on me. I'm not wise enough to give much advice, but I want you to know that marriage is hard for most people. All my friends and I kinda got married one month after the other. Most older not by too much and it's been a challenge for all of us. And I know the frustration of working at it alone, without many friends or the necessary support of your spouse. Many marrieages that have gone through really hard times have made it.

Thank you for sharing, I wish you luck. If you ever want to chat or vent IM me on AIM at JMH3402. It sounds like we may have a lot in common.

Hey. I have yahoo IM, but not American Online. I don't now to much about IM but I'll log on and you can instant message me if you'd like, my name would come up as rosalis7777. I've had questions about my marriage and even kicked my husband out before. But my counselor suggested not makeing decisions while your having a marriage crisis. She explains when your in the middle of things it's hard to see waht's best. Who knows maybe it's a faze your husband is going through. What helped me was thiking the following...

Thinking: "If I do this and then look back will I have regrets?" For me the answer was yes. I f I divorced and then saw my husband on the street I would have always wondered what if I would of tried? He proved to be a good friend, excellent boyfriend before, when I was sick. Now he messed up. I felt like leaving but I realize that's my childesh way to escape, I always run. This time I have to learn to deal with life in a better way.

I think your first mistake is thinking in terms of "us". If you think that you are going to change your H by manipulation (convincing him of a problem he doesn't see, going to therapist which he does not want to do), you are not going to see the result you want. All it will accomplish is breed resentment and anger.

But what you can do is this: You can work on the areas of your life that are out of whack. Perhaps the style of communication between you is not conducive to a serious discussion about where you guys are at and where you're heading. Perhaps he is unwilling to be committed, because he doesn't feel like you really meet his needs. There's a whole lot of things that may be at play.

Part of BC means reaching agreement on goals. But if you just sit down and say "You smell ike a brewery and I want you to plan for th efuture", well, you're not going to get what you desire.

What you will get is him digging in his heels, and doing pretty muc whatever he can to *not* give you what you desire.

Now, your situation is a bit more difficult, in some ways, but it's hardly unique. Many men say they won't change, yet some do. But it requires the right stimulus, and it requires unwavering commitment.

It requires you to stop thinking in terms of changing him... Which you cannot do.

Some of the issues are boundary issues. If you feel like his mother, it's because you're playing the role of his mother. Stop doing it. Whole big parts of BC are to help develop the relationship equally.

You may have to resort to something like a planned separation, which will give him and you the opportunity to decide what you want really.

Ultimately you have to decide. But I think you will always wonder about the choice you make ifyou make it w/o giving 100% to making it work.

After you've done your best, that's all you can do.

Ultimately, to answer the question, can people change? Absolutely. You can read my story here. Iwas grade A prime #1 [censored]. Not anymore.

ponkan7777- I dont have yahoo IM, how do i get it? You can download AIM for free, it only takes a few minutes. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hey, I'm trying to convice my Husband to down load it but he runs a bussiness on the computer and he's really picky about it. But any ways I'll see what I can do. So are you guys in College? What's your major or your occupation?

I am a senior this semester I graduate. I study ironically, Psychology. Eric is my husbands name, he studies criminal justice. When we were dating I got very sick, I suffered from Clinical Depression and had to be Hospitalized for a month. It was a nightmare. He was faithfull then and I thought I was so lucky!!! It was hard for me to believe in him because my Dad was very promiscous also, and when I finally built up trust it came crumbling down.

That is so awful <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> ! That is one thing i am lucky about, deep down I know he would never cheat on me.

I work for an attorney in the real estate industry. The attorney is based out of Washington, DC, which I am about 4 hours away from. They set me up a home office out of my 3rd bedroom, and I go around to the courthouses and do title searches. My husband is a foreman at a demolition company, and hopes to eventually open his own company doing demolition oneday.

I talked with my husband last night and we have decided to seperate. The thing that bothers me is he gets mad about the seperation situation. He says once you seperate you are basically done. I think that is him just not wanting to think about changes. Who knows where we will go from here.... I just hope we can stick with one direction, instead of always going back and forth.