I got married in May 2004. Very short time ago. I thought everything was going fine. We were trying (even before the wedding) to have a baby. My husband has wanted to a long time before me. Then in late October I start noticing that he is more distant and not so much up for sex. I ask him whats wrong and he just says nothing.
That he has a lot in his head from work. Ok, I think,he has a stressing work, that could be it. But the following weeks I notice that he is sort of irritated with me, doesn`t want to hold hands, kiss ... or generally he is not lovingly. I confront him several times and it is like talking to a brick wall. I ask him if it has anything to do with me and he says "no". Of course,I sense that is not true and after really forcing him to talk (in mid-November) he says he is "tired" of me and doesn't feel anything.
It was like a slap in the face. I was so scared cos I love him - and I told him that maybe this was a fase, that we could get help. He also believed it was a fase, but he wanted no help. He was very stubborn in this - saying he can sort out his own problems.
But he said he would not leave me - that he would get over it. Stupid as I was, I believed him. In any case what could I do? He did not want professional help and when I talked to him I had to DRAG the words out of him whilst he was playing with the Playstation.
We went thru ahorrible x-mas. Becos he had distanced himself so much. Yes, he would talk to me and wasn't rude, but the love and care wasn't there. Occasionally he touched me or said something nice, but it didn't feel sincere. I provoked him in those months several times into having sex with me and we did. But not unless I provoked him.
January 10th I confronted him again. I simply said, this isn't working is it? He said, no. "Should we just leave it then?" He said "yes" - and started crying. I started crying. He started hitting his head against the table shouting that it was his fault for not communicating...for not telling me small things that annonyed him and that now it had all mounted up and he didn't feel a thing.
I left for my mums house that evening. He didn't want me to leave, but he had sort of ended it. I wanted to be with him so badly but I felt so hurt. He couldn't comfort me, he couldn't give me his love.
Today is the 22 of february. I haven't seem him since the 31st where we had a talk. It was horrible. He said, he felt the same - nothing. That he cared for me a lot. That everything was his fault, but he was like that as a person and could not change. I have tried talking to - telling him that of course he can change that part of him. Just communicate with me more. Tell me when something bothers you. I tell him I don't want our marriage to end, that I believe he loves me, that it has just burried itself beneath all that tension he has created. I tell him that everything is not his fault. That we both did wrong in not trying to communicate more, listen to each other. He tells me I am right. But why won't he give it another chance then???? If we know what we did wrong!! We can try again... we must try to fight. He says he is afraid that this might happen to him again. He is afraid if we have a kid and then this emotional breakdown happens to him again. I tell him, that is risk you must be willing to take, and me too. But he seems so scared and I don't know what to do.
I went to a psychologist to talk about HIM and she said he has a crisis with himself becos he know he has this problem, but he is convinced he cannot change. And until he realizes that or his willing to change - I cannot help him. So I just sit here ... at my moms house..waiting, yearning for him. For our 2 dogs, our apartment ...my life with him. I cannot accept that this is the end. I know things went wrong, I have realized that .. why can't he? Is WAITING really all I can do. I have told him everything from the bottom of my heart - even written a letter to him, which he said made him cry.
People that see him says he is not happy. He sits at home with the dogs, goes to work and is with the computer. I could understand this, if there was another woman. But there isn't. There is no reason for not trying to make this work. Just I think that he is too scared .. And I feel so helpless... Anyone got any advice .. this can't be the end .. Ijust know he and I are meant to be.

WHat you are feeling is not unexpected, and not unreasonable.

In many relationships, once the bloom of romance is off the rose, the partners are stuck, because they don't have the thrill of courting an dwooing, and "new love", and all that garbage, and are forced into a situation of now developing *true* intimacy.

And for a lot of people, this is *very* scary, as it's unknown territory.

First off, I would suggest you both seek some MC, or at least explore it as an option.

Fear of intimacy, fear of the unknown, fear of change can be paralyzing.

From a MB perspective, there are several things at play.

You need to read the concepts material up at the top. This material is crucial to understanding how you can help heal your relationship.

After you have a good grasp of tha tmaterial (which is referred to generally as BC for Basic Concepts"), then you will want to read teh Q&A section, where Dr. H takes the BC's, and applies them to real-world situations.

Generally, when infidelity is *not* present, then the recommendation is to stop what are called LoveBusters. Those things we do that take love out of the relationship. Eventually, that "pool" of love, runs out (in Dr. H's terminology, he cals it the love bank), and then resentment, and bitterness, and all that stuff comes in to play.

You both appear to have been slinging the LB's back and forth, and it's finally reached a breaking point.

But stopping the LB's, and working on meeting needs restores the love bank, and starts to rebuild intimacy.

You can't change your H. Nothing you can do will force him to change. But what you *can* do, is work on improving yourself. Fixing up those places where you remove disrepectful judgements from your speech. where you stop "provoking" him, and treating him with respect. And so on.

(This doesn't discount his obligation to do those same things for you, but only he can do anything about that).

I think one thing about fence-sitters, is that they're looking for a sure thing. And by fence-sitting, they exercise control and power over the other partner. They control the flow of information (I don't know, I don't know if I"m ready), they control the timing (don't rush me, I'm not sure), and so on.

After you've digested the BC and Q&A material, pop on back if you have more questions, lots of people wander through here with varying amounts of experience.

Hi again,
thanks for the advice. I had already read the subject of LoveBuster, and believe me I know I have made a lot of mistakes from the beginning as well. And I have also told my husband that I know, that this whole situation of him being tired of me - is the fault of us both. I know I can be quite demanding (in house chores) and at times I think I move ahead too fast - and he sort of gets left behind. I admitted all this stuff - and I said that I regret a lot, but if he please could not give me another chance, cos I want to make this work.
And he listens and he starts crying, but remains sternly saying: this won't work, this won't work.
And yes I would love to go to councelling with him - I have gone myself. But what can you do, if he does not want to go? I can't force him. He simply refuses saying he does not need to talk about his feelings to a complete stranger. That he knows what he is feeling. There is just no way.
And I feel like a losing him ... cos there is just no contact. I have sent him a few sms - just asking how he is. And he doesn't answer. Sometimes I wanna just drive over to our house and shake him into some sense. I have told him everything from the bottom of my heart .... and it gets to him, I can see that. But he just seems to be convinced (scared?) that this might happen to him again and therefore he can't try it again with me.
Is is best to leave him alone for more time (now since the 31st I have not seen him) ???? Or is leaving him alone worse? Does he just need time .... or does he need that I "push" him? I just don't think the latter would help...

Trying to make someone love you is going to be harder on you in the long run. We can not change the way people are or make them change,we can only change our responses to what they do and say. Do not push yourself into something you are going to regret one day. If you are already experiencing this level of difficulty in your relationship can you imagine what it would be like in 5 or 10 years. As hard as it may be for you to walk away it sounds like it would be best for you. You should not try to control or manipulate him into staying by trying to have a child,this would only complicate the situation even more. You need to seek counseling and learn to let go of possible co-dependent behaviors and choices. Do not let another person define who you are as a person. Start to make choices that are best for you. I hope you get the help you are looking for in your life. When we can not turn to any other person and there is no one who seems to understand what we are going through remember God always does, he is open and willing ready to hear us and ready to guide us if we will just be willing to turn to him and trust that he alone knows the plans for us, he knows the past experiences of your life and what has led us to make the decisions we make on a daily basis. Do not base your worth as a person on whether this guy returns to you. Good luck

Hi again,
I'm still in need of advice - but let me fill you in on the situation. I moved back into our apartment. We had a telephone conversation thursday 24th of february, where he actually only called me to see if he could loan the car. I asked if he didn't think we had more important things to talk about. Very reluctantly he said, he still felt the same (when I asked him) that he just didn't think this would work out. And so on .. that he had lost the illusion.
I didn't cry much - just kind of decided that if he really thinks it's over, well then he will have to start settling things. And sorting it out. As in paperwork, seperating our stuff etc.
So I thought - I am gonna go back home. I could feel I was losing him, giving him time alone was making him getting used to not having me around.
And I missed our home, our 2 dogs and just being in my normal surroundings. So I've moved back into our guestroom. At first he said, that he would go. He said, it was okay I moved back in, after all it was OUR house, but he would leave.
I told him, I would like for him to stay, I didn't mean to throw him out, but it was up to him. I know you say you have made your decision and I respect it, and you know how I feel.
That were my word.
Well, now a week has passed and he still hasn't left. Sure he goes out a lot, and doesn't talk much. But he does answer me, we talk about "neutral" stuff like work, the dogs etc.
Now I am hoping that he will realize I am not so bad after all. I know this may seem kind of desperate.... but the thing is I really really love this man and I know we are meant to be. And I will not give up on him till I am absolutely sure, that it can't be. I want to be able to say: I did everything I could.
I am just living there ... for now as a house-mate. I cook extra food and leave some for him, he sometimes does the laundry and walks the dogs. Well almost like when we were REALLY together only there isn't the affection. And he is really nice and kind. I'm just hoping with time he will come out of his shell and realize that I'm there. He doesn't seem happy either. I know the whole situation is awkward, but I thought that by doing this, I am making him face up to what he wants.
If he wants a separation, well then start doing the arrangements ... and if not start talking to me so we can fix things...
He himself, said that he would´ve loved to sort it out. But he said, he can't communicate, that he like THAT.
I thought that by being there ... well if he one day feels a bit talkative (maybe drunk) then he will open up.
This is such a dreadful situation. I need an ending ... on this whole thing. He has to man himself up.
Of course I hope for a happy ending, cos I love him. But I also know he might come home day and say:"okay lets get this separation going" ... but at least there is and end, then ... at least he does SOMETHING ....
Please help ........

Hi

I read your post this morning.

As a man I am not always sure what the best advice is. I myself never spoke to anyone in the past and still have problems opening up today.

Perhaps you should seek a MC on your own first.

By the time I decided to seek help it had already been too late.

Men really do feel like a closed in bubble and often the problems that women see are not the same as what the men see.

I notice you mentioned chores or that your demanding and so on. These are obvious observations on your behalf and that is really positive. Now you need to find out what he is really thinking the problem is.

In my opinion I feel today after the storms in my life that both men and women need to listen first to what the problem or situation really really is.

Sometimes it take a man years before it comes out. Sometimes it is something so small and seemingly useless that it stays inside for years.

Give it time, don't jump in and say "we have other stuff to discuss" that will just push him away more. I know it is hard. Men like to seem like they are hard. I think when he called for the car it was a sign that said... hey I want to just say hello.... naturally if you jump into the situation again... all youve done is throw him right back down to that very night he left.

Cheer up, smile, life is short... Do let us know.

take Care

Nick

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pick on Nick:
<strong> Hi

I read your post this morning.

As a man I am not always sure what the best advice is. I myself never spoke to anyone in the past and still have problems opening up today.

Perhaps you should seek a MC on your own first.

By the time I decided to seek help it had already been too late.

Men really do feel like a "closed in bubble" and often the problems that women see are not the same as what the men see.

I notice you mentioned chores or that your demanding and so on. These are obvious observations on your behalf and that is really positive. Now you need to find out what he is really thinking the problem is. This is where a MC can be helpful.

In my opinion I feel today after the storms in my life that both men and women need to listen first to what the problem or situation really really is.

Sometimes it takes a man years before it comes out. Sometimes it is something so small and seemingly useless that it stays inside for years. The problem is often not in the relationship itself. The relationship gives the problem an opportunity to manifest itself.

Give it time, don't jump in and say "we have other stuff to discuss" that will just push him away more. I know it is hard. Men like to seem like they are hard. I think when he called for the car it was a sign that said... hey I want to just say hello.... naturally if you jump into the situation again... all youve done is throw him right back down to that very night he left.

Cheer up, smile, life is short... Do let us know.

take Care

Nick </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hi Nick,
Thankyou very much for a male opinion. I really hope you are right..
In any case since I moved back in I have not brought up the topic at all. i haven't pressured him into talking nor doing anything with me. He has gone out a lot - with his friends and his days off he went to another town with them.
It's the same group of military friends (the ones I don't know) - and I don't like the situation very much. But I don't ask him questions or anything.
When we talk in house it's about our dogs, I ask him about work etc. He answers politely but shortly.
Then Wednesday evening, for the first time, he spoke to me first. Sad news, cos what he asked was "so we better talk then, no".
I said, yeah we should - I have not wanted to pressure you but what do you want to talk about."
And he answered: "well seperating our stuff".
POW!! ... I knew he would say something bad, but sooo coldy.. my God...
He seems so clear, so sure of himself on the outside, but I sincerly feel, he is doing this too fast. And I think he is pushing forward with this whole separation thingy, cos he has convinced himself mentally that this is the right thing.. But in his heart he doesn't want to.
I asked him if he had looked up on things, then. How to do the paperwork and stuff. He said no.
I told him, well you know how I feel, I don't want a separation. I feel we should give this a second chance - what we have is a crisis, we should try and solve it.
He didn't answer.
I don't want to pressure him... But I won't help him with the separation either cos I don't want one. Nor will I deny him one IF he goes thru with it.
I've gone to have tarotcards laid ... and she confirms my thought. That he wants to be alone right now, and do what he wants to do. That he has mentalized himself into our relationship is impossible, but in his heart he loves me. That he is stubborn and closed. She says he will come back when he figures himself out.
I believe her ... not becos I want to, but becos I have this feeling myself that it isn't over between us.
I don't believe him when he says he doesn´t love me. Well, I believe it's WHAT HE feels right now. But it´s becos of all these things that we need to talk thru and solve.
He said to me why can't I just accept it's over...?
How can he expect me to just accept that, when the reasons that he gives as to why .. are just plain normal couple-problems???
I can´t! ... We should at least give it a try.
I can´t force him to go to councelling, he refuses, says he can sort out his own feelings...
He's the sort of person that thinks councelling are for people with real problems and he doesn't have that....
I went myself once to a MC - and she also said I can't force him, just hope he comes around. But I know he won't.
I feel pretty damn helpless and useless not being able to do anything. I know I can' t pressure him .. but I am losing him and it scares me, cos I know we are meant to be. I just know in my heart. But what do you do to a pigheaded man??

I suspect you may want to devote some time to researching what you really define as love, and see how it matches up to reality.

You seem to have divined that there is some higher power that has predestined you two to be together, but this same power can't seem to bring your husband around to that same way of thinking.

So either the higher power is wrong and it wasn't meatn to be, and thus the foundation of your relationship (it was meant to be) is a lie, or the higher power seems to require human intervention to bring the plan about.

I don't think you can have it both ways.

You can't force your H to change. You may very well lose him. YOu can prepare yourself, and get yourself straightened out, and hope your H joins you in this new journey, or you can cling to as-yet unfulfilled promise, w/o doing the legwork yourself.

Why are you trying to hold on? I don't mean to be blunt, but it's over. It takes two , not one person, to make a marriage work. He obviously doesn't want to be in the marriage. If he did, he would try, but he obviously isn't. Personally I suggest that you get a divorce, move, and get on with your life. It's not going to do you or him any good to keep trying to make something work singlehandedly. You need to admit to yourself that it is over. If you were truly "meant to be" this wouldn't be happening. I'm really sorry to be so mean, but honey you need to face reality...

I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

Sincerely,
Amy Lynn