I need some insight from other husbands. My husband and I have been married for almost three years. We have five children total. Four are from my first marriage and then he and I have a child together. My husband is a quiet person and does not show much in the line of emotions. As a woman I need him to talk to me or with me at times and I cant seem to get this accoumplished. He also does not show alot of affection and even though I try not to take it personally there are times that I do. I also need some advice about what to do if I make a move to make love and he tells me he is too tired. I didnt know men were ever too tired. ( sorry, I dont mean to be insestive but that is generally what most men and women will say.) It has been two weeks since we made love and usually he is the one to inciate so I have been trying hard to change that. It took me three nights to get up the courage to ask for fear of being rejected and then he rejects me. He has been sick for a couple of weeks but is feeling better so I thought he would be in the mood but no. From anothers point of view I am not sure what to do next or what I should of done then. Should I have said ok and then just snuggled up to him or would he take that as I was going to try to pursade him? Should I just say ok and try and go to sleep. Should I try again tonight or should Ijust back off until he makes a move? I would like to talk to him about but since he wont converse with me that doesnt seem to be an option. Please help with any advice for husbands or wifes perspective.
thanks

Speaking only from personal experience, when my FI says "I'm too tired" it's because he is, so I make sure he gets some sleep then I ask again the next day <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Does your H know that you're having some trouble with this? Perhaps you need to talk to him (in a non-confrontational manner) and express that you would really like to have more "intimate" time. Perhaps he didn't really know what you were asking for? Maybe you could set up a "signal" to tell him if you're in the mood? On another thread there was a suggestion about using pillowcases with hearts on them - if you set out that pillow on the bed... well, you get the idea.

C

Being a husband having the opposite problem, I would like to say that there might be something else that is creating the interference. Maybe you should try to investigate (not showing your true reason) of what is creating this problem. Was he like this before you married? Was he like this before the baby? Could it be depression? Do you tell each other "I Love You" every day? Keep the "touch" between you and attempt a connection of some kind, either at dinner, breakfast, etc... His is job ok? Try to understand him first then find out what might arouse him.

I hope this helps...

This is my first post on these forums, but I want to help and will tell you how my wife and I have been working on and through this, and hopefully give you some thoughts to think on.

I have been a husband for just over a year and a half, but have been with my wife for the past 9 years. Before we got married we were very passionate people (let me rephrase that, I was a more passionate person, she has never lost the passion) and we made love more then once a day. During the first few months of marrige it was the same, but as the time has drawn on I have lost my passion in the bed room.

I agree with both ssevenyor (asking questions) and cat (talking it out) on this matter.

Talking is the key. I can not stress that enough, talking has been the key to saving the passion in my marriage.

My wife asked talkedt to me on this matter (very non confronational) after a few nights of rejection. I explained to her that I felt that I was not pleasuring her in the bed room. This part took alot of courage on my part to say, no man ever wants to admit that he can not pleasure his wife. After talking about it for a while we realized that it was not 100% my fault/problem, she just has a hard time acheiving climax.

And on to the solution.

First we talked about it ALOT, each letting each other know that we were still very satisfied with each other in the bed room, and it was nothing to be embarresed about.

Secondly we decided to visit a "pleasure shop" in our area AS A COUPLE (that was the key, we had to go together), and thankfully we are good friends with the owner and his wife, and had someone to talk to while we were there. Most places of that nature have someone who knows the products and can help in almost any given situation.

Lastely, you have to work at it. The problem isn't going to go away over night. Keep talking, make sure you are both reassured that you feel comfortable with each other, and the the passion is there, it just needs to be uncovered.

So now we don't nessicarrily (spelling sorry) schedual our love making sessions, but we both know when they are going to happen (well at first, more recently they have gotten more spontanious as they should). Finally it has gotten to the point where you can feel the passion in the air when the two of us are near each other.

Sorry for this post being kinda long, but I hope some of this information can help you. If you are need to talk about this more send me a PM and I will respond in kind.

-Ryan-

UGHHHHHHHHHH............ I prepared my reply before I realized this person ain't been on the boards for 2 months......UGHHHHHHHHH........ Well heck, I'll post it anyway....


(((Ruby)))

Welcome to the boards, please take some time to read through all the information on this site.

Let’s get something out in the open right up from MEN CAN BE TOO TIRED…LOL… At face value it is just that, he was tired. Heck with 5 young ones running around who wouldn’t be tired? However, since you chose to marry a quiet, emotionally distant, and unaffectionate person, which may or may not be it. It could also be that he is internalizing resentments against you and hiding behind the excuse of being tired. Have y’all been having any other problems lately?

My best advice is that rather than focus on what you husband isn’t, that you focus on what he is. Also focus sharply on yourself and your communication skills. Through your reading you’re going to find out about disrespectful judgments and love busters, with anyone’s personality you’ll want to avoid these but even more so with the personality that you described. You’ll also read about emotional needs, explore what his top 5 are and consistently meet them.

Are y’all able to spend one on one time with each other? If not, you need to. It’s recommended that you have 15 hours a week of “together” time. Arrange for a weekly sitter, pick a night, and make that date night. Life has got to be hectic in your house but you have to focus on and follow through with spending time with your husband and meeting his emotional needs.

Things won’t change overnight, but if you truly work on yourself in the arena’s that I’ve mentioned above and that are on this site, things will improve. By coming here you’ve just began the journey. Best of luck to you.

Hugz, Thoughts, & Prayerz

Never let things that bother you go without talking, but never talk on the battle field. In other words choose an appropriate time when everyone is rested, and you can talk without interruption to bring up the discussion and talk about it. It's always best to keep an honest, open line of communication. But you don't want to do it just as you make your advance in the bedroom and he turns you down, that is not the time.