My fiancé and I are getting married in June. We have been together for almost 2 years. We got engaged over the summer. My parents and I have always been very close. Naturally, when we got engaged, my parents called his parents to congratulate them and suggest that they meet at some point. His parents agreed that it would be nice but instead of using the only time off they had to coordinate something, his parents went on vacation to visit family they had not seen in years. Eight months had passed, when after a great deal of coaxing from my fiancé, his parents called my parents to discuss the rehearsal dinner. Imagine how disillusioned my family is that his parents have such little interest in seeing how things are going. In the time that I have been with my fiancé, his family has had very little interest in our relationship, whether it was buying our first apartment together, wedding planning, or celebrating an accomplishment at work. This is very different from how I grew up, where my family was involved in my life in a good way. I always had support and love. My fiancé’s upbringing was very different- he claims his parents were hands off- such that he spoke to them very little when he was in college- they never visited him- they rarely call him or know what is going on in his life. My circumstantial encounters with his parents have been very upsetting for me- among other things, his mother called me by my fiancé’s ex-girlfriend’s name. It has been difficult to understand this being that from the very beginning my family opened their arms to my fiancé unconditionally and have always treated him like a son. I am lucky if I am acknowledged at all. Despite the apathy from his parents, my fiancé wants them to be equally acknowledged in our upcoming wedding- eventhough they have made no effort to show any interest nor have they offered to pay part of the expenses.

My problem arises because my parents are paying for our wedding and we each have been given 75 people to invite. I came back with 71 and my fiancé came back with 98. I told him that he had to cut his list or split it into an A and B list, but he argued that there was no way that he could cut anyone from his list (made up of friends and family). I tried to reason with him explaining that my parents had a set budget. We had also struggled to find a place to fit our size party. He still claimed it was impossible to reduce his list. I got very upset because here he was telling me he had to include 102 people—he rarely if ever speaks to his family (his parents included) and he considers friends people that he hasn’t seen in years or perhaps he calls once a year.

So, now he has suggested that his family will host a separate gathering for his family in his home state later in the summer—he wants to include a separate invitation to this event inside the actual wedding invitation for which my parents are providing for. I told him that I thought that this was disrespectful to my parents who are putting a lot of effort and money into our wedding, simply to provide his friends and family "option B."

This whole situation worries me because I feel that while his family and yes his friends too (except for a couple locals friends) barely give him the time of day, he expects so much from my family and I who constantly show him love, devotion, and consideration. He seems to be more concerned with his friends and family then with his future wife and in-laws.

I have read some of the articles pertaining to living together before marriage and wonder if this plays a role. When our apartment purchase fell through he moved in (he had already signed his lease over) and we have been living together for 4 months. I am wondering if his inability to see how impolite his behavior is may have something to do with the concept of living together and maintaining his independence since lately he constantly reminds me that the only way he will be happy is by maintaining his identity-

Please help!

I can tell you that wedding planning has brought out the worst in a lot of people in my life as well, except for my FI. We both seem to get a feeling of "us against the world."

In the spirit of MB concepts, it's important to discuss these issues with your FI. He won't know that you're having a problem with this unless you talk to him about it. It is his reaction to the discussion that will give you an idea of what he'll be like with problem-resolution in your Marriage.

Wedding issues are so delicate because everyone is so emotional. Make sure that you sit him down when you have a few hours without interruptions. Don't be confrontational (look what you're doing to me!), instead be understanding (I'm really having some difficulty with some of the planning and would like to talk about it).

As for the guest list, if you truly can't accomodate more than 150, show him why. Tell him that it's very hard for you to ask him to cut his list because he wants all of his friends and family to be there, but that it's a sacrifice you'll both have to make (for him to not see these friends, for you to ask him to cut).

I think that having a party in the summer for his side (especially those not invited to the wedding) is a great idea, but the invites should not to out with the wedding invites. It should be a seperate party altogether.

Dealing with the in-laws is sooooo hard, trust me, I know. I can tell you, though, that you'll want to try your best to be understanding. Don't throw a temper tantrum even if you're totally not getting what you want, simply say, we'll talk about it and get back to you.

You have to recruit your FI to be on your side with all matters of the family. Has he been to this site? Would he support the POJA? My FI and I have been living together for 3 years now and I can understand about independant behaviour. We've changed our ways after realizing that we wouldn't be able to spend our lives together if we continued being so inconsiderate. Your FI needs to understand that he'll need to change a little, too, if the two of you are going to remain compatible.

I would suggest getting some of the books written by Dr. Harley (mine are on order). I've also started reading The 5 Love Languages and it's really good - I can see it helping my relationship and marriage.

It's good that you're catching these issues early. I know that you're probably very emotional with the wedding only a few short months away. I know that you can't even think about not getting married, but if your FI reacts badly to the suggestion that the two of you need to stand together, agree on more things, be more considerate of each other... Well you need to decide what the deal breaker is for you. If he's being so stubborn and refuses to co-operate with you now, what's going to happen when it comes to other major decisions? (Consider your guest list a minor decision, whereas where you'll live, how many kids you'll have, what to do if you get unexpectedly pregnant, etc., as major decisions.) You need to decide what's most important in your marriage - your top emotional needs. Will your FI meet these needs? Is he meeting them now? Is he more likely to meet them if you talk to him about how important they are? What is the deal breaker for you? And remember, it's cheaper to call off a wedding and lose your deposits than it is to get divorced.

Just some food for thought.

C