Hello all,

I am considering marriage to a very sweet lady. I am very attracted to her and we have many common interests, but I am concerned about her very low self esteem and insecuries. There are many aspects of her low self esteem that are very desirable, most notibly she is obsessed to see me happy and would do anything for me, she has an obvious need to be hugged/kissed/touched, she is clingy and wants to always be with me, she desperately needs to be loved... truly loved. I find all those things endearing and believe that I can more than meet those needs. However, when we are apart, she starts thinking that I am not missing her, and I suspect that she may be prone to depression.

I have a healthy dose of self-esteem and am prone to over-optimism. I am patient, kind, loving, attentive, faithful and think that I would make a good husband for the lady.

My questions are...

Does anyone have experience dealing with a person with very low self esteem? What are the problems that I might anticipate? Do you think the positive attributes that I mentioned above may continue through the years? Even though I do not plan to give her something to be depressed about, will she look for something to be depressed about? Do low self esteem persons make good mothers? How does one recognize a depression prone person before the bouts of depression?
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The things that you find so endearing now will become the exact points of contention later on.

EVerybody wants to be needed. After the marriage, everybody wants some space. Clingy is good in the romance phase. Clingy is terrible in a marriage.

A good marriage is based on two emotionally healthy people coming together. Not two dysfunctions, or 1 dysfunction and a rescuer.

It is difficult enough w/o that kind of added pressure.

While I woulnd't say run away run away, I would suggest that perhaps the two of you seek some serious pre-marital counseling, and have a qualified therapist take a look at the situation, so you're walking into it with both eyes open.

I just want to say that I understand your concern. I used to be like your partner. Before my H and I got married I would beg him to stay with me just a little longer before he went home, hold my hands, kiss me, hug me, anything to touch me and be with me. I would get depressed when he left and cry in my room. I'd get upset that he wouldn't touch me when I wanted him to. The longer we were together the less intense my feelings were. Now, although I still love the affection and touchy-feely stuff, I've learned that it's unnecessary. Your partner may be dealing with depression or it may be like my case: all I wanted was the man I loved to prove just how much he loved me. Talk to her about it and let her know that you're concerned and try to figure out why she does it. If she needs therapy or anti-depressants, then make sure she gets the help needed. Make sure that this is all resolved before you get married though, because I've seen many people grow to resent thier partners needyness. I don't know if this has helped, but I hope it has. Best wishes...

Amy Lynn