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Joined: Oct 1999
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Why is it that the one that wants to reconcile trys so hard, and only gets knocked down?<P>I was betrayed, Divorced has been filed( by W). I wnt to give it another shot. She still running around, with several guys, friends as she calls them.<P>I'm trying to prove my self and she says that they are all lies and are just doing it to get her back.<P>She should be the one doing all this, but she says she dosnt love me any more. <P>Why does a person get mad when you treat them good, help out.<P>have any of yall experienced this??<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

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yeah! Its guilt and trying to justify what they are doing. If they can stay angry the guilt subsides for them. My H tries all sorts of head games on me. It works sometimes too. I sit there and think what did I do wrong in that situation. How could I have done it differently. I have reduced myself to a questioning basket case. I now try not to let his opinions of me matter too awfully much. I realize he is in a really bad "place" emotionally and is not thinking too clearly. He wants to keep fresh in his mind why he left so he looks for any sign in me that he doesnt like. Then he exagerates it and tries to get me to react. Each time he does I get better at not reacting and now most of the time I respond with my head not with my emotions. He is now realizing that he cant push those buttons anymore as well as he used to. Its like he also wants to see hope some days and other days he looks for reasons to stay where he is, its easier for him when he doesnt have to work on our relationship.

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Did you read the other post I posted tonight?<P>We were doing relly well, and if you have been following you know she has been through a lot the past couple of weeks. She is angry with the way I act towards her now. I treat her like a queen, and spen tons mor time with my kids. She says that they are all lies. She massed up not me and sshe takes it out on me.<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

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brownphd<P>I think for me, I was the betrayer, it was guilt. I also believe that I was living in a fantasy world for awhile. My H and I were separated when the physical affair happened. I left my H for various reasons, but mainly my parents, mom in general. I thought I had to prove to my mom that I could make it on my own. What I finally came to realize was that I really wanted to be with my H. I was confused for awhile as to what I wanted but I did come to my senses and get back together with my H (Empty Shell in case you didn't know). It took me awhile to decided that I wanted to work on my marriage. I almost made the mistake on filing for divorce, but I didn't, thank goodness. I think if I had filed, I'd be depressed because I would have been without the man I loved and my daughter would have suffered as well.<P>I think the one who tries to reconcile is the only one who gets knocked down is because us who betray are confused, stupid to a point, at least in my situation, or at least I felt that way. I just needed some sense knocked into me

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I cant hardly talk to her about it cause she says I wont stop just keep going on and on. It P!$$es her off.<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

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Hopefull, She too thinks she has to prover self, to every body though. She is always and has been worried what people think. I know ES has been following so I assume you have been too. Evey thing she has done This month( A bomb went off)is not my fault. I guess she is mad at me cause I did'nt get mad at her. instead I just told herthat it was ok and we would get through it <P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

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brownphd -- I think you got exactly right when you said <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I guess she is mad at me cause I did'nt get mad at her. instead I just told herthat it was ok and we would get through it<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>She thought she had everything figured out, including how you would react. She was wrong, she doesn't know how to react. So her response is to attack.<P>Hang in there my friend.<P>God Bless

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MAN I'M TRYING. do you and hopefull take turns on here? Thats pretty cool I think.<P>Do you think her calling me a liar is because she dosent want to see this. Doe she think she can make me go back to the ways I was. not caring,loving,helpful,interested in what she is doing?<P>She is wrong! I intend to show her this. I guess turkey day is off she has said nothing more about it.<BR>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P><p>[This message has been edited by brownphd (edited November 22, 1999).]

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brownphd -- Yes, we do sort of take turns here. It has been very enlightening for us. I know we are not the only couples who both post.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Do you think her calling me a liar is because she dosent want to see this. Doe she think she can make me go back to the ways I was. not caring,loving,helpful,interested in what she is doing?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>YES, that is exactly what I think. I told you something similar to this in E-Mail a few minutes ago. I think in some way she is trying to test you. She wants to see if everything is sincere.<P>Don't worry about Thursday. Just be available if she does call.<P>God Bless<p>[This message has been edited by Empty Shell (edited November 22, 1999).]

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How can one do this. If that is what she is doing and still see OP? I just cant understand this at all.<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

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They can do it because they're confused, Brownphd!! Their minds are swirling!!<P>ES and Hopeful are absolutely right in what they say.....<P>Can't add more.....<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

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brownphd -- I don't think any one, who has not been the betrayer, can really understand the mind set. We just have to hang on until the fog lifts from their minds.<P>God Bless

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SHEBA I'm glad tou are back, alot has whent on this passed week.<P>Thanks,<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

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ES you aint kidding there minds are fogged. These "FRIENDS" are all truck driver. The drive for the company she works for, and you know the other part. when they are on the rosd ( I suspect)we talk more, when they are home she is mad( i may be totally wrong though)<P>She is blind to everything right now. She will see that her "friends" are out for one thing. I'm not saying that all people are like that, and not to put down truck driver, but when they are gone they may be doing the same thing some were else, with someone else<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>

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brownphd,<BR>The love you express is causing her grief because it is the love that comes from God and it hurts her to know that you care and she doesn't. She will never acknowledge it because when you are in the dark you never realize it until you get into the light. You only seek to stay in the dark because that is where you are and are most comfortable. It is true that people hate change this is where she is. All who don't personally know Jesus which entails loving Him in the most intimate way behave in such a manner. Keep doing God's will and your reward inn heaven will be great.<P>Can't remember where it is in the Bible but the love you express towards her is like heaping hot coals on her head. God is working on her. She truly fails to see that she is rebelling against Him and not you. When we sin, we sin against God. Yes, it hurts immensely but He will get you through it. He has been reaffirming me regularly because I have been down a lot lately.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

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brownphd, <P>Just wanted to lend you my support.<P>I've been in your shoes and I know how you feel. Yes, this whole thing is unfair. And it doesn't make any sense to the casual observer. But, things that are right and things that are good are worth fighting for. <P>What your doing brownphd is fighting the good fight. This will be the single most toughest thing you will ever have to go through in your life. Give it your best - everyday. <P>Work at becoming friends again. Work at just talking to each other. You need to get to know your wife a little bit at a time. <P>The good news is that you can ghet through this. I've been kicked when I was down. I didn't think it was possible to make it through but my wife and I are doing so much better. We still have a ways to go but the junk you are going through does end.<P>Don't give up.<P>God bless,<P>SHA

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Thank you to all who answered. I am going through nearly the same thing. I am working on becoming friends again with my ex while she is still involved with OM. She says she still has feelings for him. She says that she knows that I love her. She says she still loves me but not sure how. Hang in there as I am going through the exact same thing.

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Thanks for the replys. we were getting closer( talking, doing things as a family again) then the bottom fell out<P>------------------<BR>brownphdt<P>


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