My wife and I are 4 months in to trying to save our marriage, and she still wants to keep the OM as a friend. I even caught her at his apartment a week ago, and she claims they were just talking. They work together,and it seems like the two of them will always be running into each other either on accident or purpose. I'm trying to stick to Plan A, but it is difficult knowing he is still "in the running". She says she wants to work on "us", but I don't see how we can make much progress with him around. Is anyone out there in a similar situation? Can it work out with the OM hanging around? Why am I putting up with this?

Nope, can't work. No way, no how.<P>I thank God that the OM moved out of the state. Just seeing the man in my dreams puts me into withdrawal (happened this weekend and I'm a mess)<P>She cannot recover and keep him as a friend. Too much has happened between them.

No, you can't stay friends with the OM. I tried and it nearly drove me crazy. She will realize it is too hard.

NO! NO! NO!<BR>Both H and I tried to keep OW as a friend....she WAS my best friend for half my life.<BR>I put conditions on the friendship...only I was to see her. He was not. They both promised time after time. She also promised to call if he showed up or contacted her.<BR>Stupid me, I believed them both.<BR>Fool me once, shame on you...fool me twice (or in this case, three or four times) shame on me.<BR>My mom tried to tell me OW KNEW what she was doing...it was all a game to her. She needs to control the situations in her life and she had all the control in this one!<BR>I think back now and realize she did this constantly with me while we were "growing up". I never could admit that she would do anything to hurt me.<BR>Now, I know the truth...she's manipulative...unhappy with her own life and marriage...doesn't care who she hurts or pushes away.<BR>I feel sorry for her because she is also doing this crap with another of her "friends"...told me herself how she was basically chasing her friend's significant other.<BR>Makes me wonder what she wants out of life.<BR>About 6 weeks ago, I found out H and OW have been seeing each other during their lunch hour. H swears it was strictly talking...they never left her office...<BR>Part of me wants to believe him...the other half of my brain and heart can't trust him because this isn't the first time.<BR>This last time was the time I realized she has never been a friend to me, either. The sad thing is, H doesn't realize she hasn't been a friend to him, either. I don't think she even likes him. Using him was a way to control my emotions and feelings.<BR>I still haven't gone to her H. I called his office and left a message. He never called back...do, I assume that he may know but doens't want to confront what kind of a person he is married to....he's a good guy, too. That's what's sad.<BR>Boy...did I get off the subject!! Sorry...it just all came spilling out! )<BR>My parents have been careful about not getting too involved....they love H and I dearly....never did like OW even when she was the only friend I had around. But, Dad now says ( and you have to understand, he's very laid back and calm) he will call her H himself and have a talk if he finds out any contact has been had.<BR>I see it happening soon as the family now knows about the lunches they've been having.<BR>Personally, I don't want to ruin anyone's lives....I just want a fair shot at my life with H without outside problems. She is a problem...therefore, NO CONTACT WITH OP AFTER THE AFFAIR!!!<BR>Whew....I feel much better!

My problem is my H works with OW. Not directly, but enough where contact has to be. There is no choice for me. The company has him for 2 years, or we have a financial burden to pay back. Yes it is worrysome. I also know tho that her bothering him at work while he's trying to get something done is going to irritate him. He's also trying to advance his career where he has all these huge manuals to read, and be tested on (he failed the first test by 2 answers!). He doesn't have time to be messing around, since he now comes home at a DECENT HOUR. Of course, there's always e-mail which is my worry now since he won't let me see it. He swears that the only contact she makes with him is business related, and until I find out otherwise, I have no control over anything at work. He says he won't let me see it because he still doesn't want to have me know who she is because he's not sure what I'll do. He promises that he'll answer all of my questions but in time (it's only been 1 1/2 months since discovery, and slightly over 2 weeks since he made it "over"). I believe the fastest way back for him is with her GONE, but it's not always possible. He does say on occassion that he is just sick of "women". To which I reply that I'm not just women, I'm wife who has popped out 2 kids and been by his side for 20 years. All I can do is keep my eyes open. <P>He had the poop scared out of him when I left with kids to file with a lawyer (which I ended up not doing), and I have more reasons to believe that he's more with US than her just by his actions. He's really trying to take positive steps towards winning my trust back (even tho there is a tinge of withdrawal - the distance, sometimes very unhappy - but yet towards me he treats me kindly and is beginning to show more and more affection -and sex- altho not as much as I'D LIKE.<P>It boils down to LOSING the OP!! There is no reason for that person to be in your wife's life considering the destruction that relationship has caused in the first place, unless there is still some ongoing fantasy world! Why make HELL linger any longer than it has to? However, you have to realize that this is a place where you may not have any control and it'll have to be her own enlightenment so see it. Dr. Harley told me that one thing you can't do is "educate" your spouse because they won't be open to it. You can't force them to sit down and read and learn all the knowledge you may have picked up on the subject.<P>The only thing I can do in my situation is let my H become enlightened (of course, I gave it a nudge I realize) and hope he sees the reality of what he could lose by going with the fantasy.<P>Good luck and God bless.

Will not work! It's hard enough to rebuild trust the way it is. My H tried to remain friends with the OW I finally had to give him the ultimatum either her or me. He chose me. You can't be friends after an affair, period.<p>[This message has been edited by crazy or what? (edited November 22, 1999).]

Mjingit, <BR>The OW was my best friend. I tried to maintain the friendship, but it just didn't work. She and I had long talks and she would always apologize and promise she would never do anything to hurt me again. She LIED!!! <BR>We continued our friendship about 9 months after I found out. I was very sad when I finally ended it. I still miss her sometimes and wonder if we could ever be friends again. Then I come to my senses and realize that she was never much of a friend to begin with!<BR>I say you and she should end all contact!

In the same boat as you. We were two months into recovery and my W reinitiated contact with her OM to be "just friends" back in Sept. Needless-to-say, that was a bad month. <P>I think it's part of the withdrawal process. Letting go is tough. As strong willed as my wife is, I began to see her as weak for the first time in our marriage. I was sad for her. She was trying to quit an addiction and she couldn't do it. <P>The OM could really care less about her. He let go last June and his parting words to her were very flippant. I don't know what she sees in him or why she can't see what I see - maybe in time. <P>I will say that the attraction is fading as the days go by. The contact is dimishing. Keep doing what you are doing in regards to Plan A and monitor the contact.<P>I was firm in that I would not go through this again. I just couldn't do it a second time.<P>SHA

No! No! No! Never!<P>It will not work! <P>Jim

I agree with all the others....once they have been lovers, they can never go back to being "just friends"....the "just friends" thing didn't work in the first place....<P>There should be NO CONTACT....if they work together one of them needs to leave the job....<P>I gave my husband an ultimatum....if I find out you are seeing her again....or If she comes into our shop get her hair done....I will leave you....but then again....who will tell me if she comes in...there is no assurances...life is full of uncertainty....

NO NO NO NO NO this cannot work. See post by pilots wife. Maybe the two of you need to talk, compare strategies, exchange notes? Work together to follow Harleys principles here! You can insist that she not see him and not throw the lovebusters all around. <BR>This must be very very rough for you. I am so sorry you are having to go thru this, and sorry for the weekend. (((hugs)))<BR>

Add my vote to the rest -- NO WAY!<P>No contact in anyway -- directly or indirectly. Mail, e-mail, pager, or through any other means that my frustrated brain won't allow me to name.<P>No comes the fun part: How to encourage her to break that contact yet not come off with LB's. <P>I'm in Plan A. It's hard, real hard. Man, I wish I had the answers myself.<P>Good luck!<P>--keystone

I have to agree witheveryone else in saying NO to being friends with OP. I don't know how to tell ya to handle this. Just a GREAT BIG NO.<P>Bill

NO WAY!!!!!<BR>My stbx works with om and said it would just be professional. Soon she was telling me that om's w was weird so I knew that they were way beyond talking professionally. She also felt sorry (?) for him because no one was talking to him because of the way he dumped her the first time.<P>He is now paying half her rent and can come and go as he pleases. I just want OUT!<P>So the short answer is NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo!

I talked with my wife about this subject tonight, after she reviewed most of these replies. I think she got the point, based on the number of "NO" responses I read. She told me her feelings were that she desired to spend time with him, although she knew she couldn't without hurting me...which she did not want to do any more. A major catch 22 for her...she wants to be his friend, but knows she cannot and still have me - I have made that clear, he must go. I understand she is in withdrawl, but it has been 4 months since discovery, and I cannot understand why she cannot shed this as*ho## by now! We are off to Paris this Wednesday for a week without the kids...hopefully we can reconnect to some degree. Thanks for all of your responses!!!!