H and I and D went to church. Was difficult for me, tears streaming down my face. For some reason I become overwhelmed with emotion when I'm there. After church H wanted to have a good day together. We shopped and I was trying to keep my emotions in check when I saw the Bar where all this happened and felt sick inside. We talked for a long time and I learned more. He thinks because of his interest in porn that it spawned a curiousity to explore the forbidden side. He said being with OW never would have happened if he hadn't been drinking, but I don't think he is seeing things clearly. The drink gave him courage to pursue his curiousity. Of course he said he felt sick, etc. afterward but while it was going on, I and the sick feelings were the furthest thing from his mind. He is and was being extremely selfish.<BR>He said the whole time we have been married that he never committed himself to it. He alway kept one foot in and one foot out. Thinking that I would eventually hurt him like his other two wives. The second cheated on him with many. So he knows the devastation that this kind of thing caused yet he did it to me. Was it a case of hurting me before I could do it to him even though I have never given him any indication that I would? The roses are blooming strong and I am trying to be. Emotions got the best of talking at times but we ended on a calm note. However, he didn't sleep too well, tossed and turned all night. I couldn't sleep for all the thoughts and images that haunt me. Deep down I think he liked the intrique with OW and the taboo feeling was exciting for him. I don't believe he has been completely honest yet with me concerning his infedelity. Possibly why he couldn't sleep. He blocks things out and has always shut me out. It is difficult for him to tell the truth. I am doing the best I can at Plan A and he wants to block everything out and start as if we just met. Instead of dealing with this and working through all his demons and past baggage he wants to block it out. This is what got him and us into this situation and I feel if he doesn't face it he will end up doing this again. Does anyone have any suggestions on this? Sorry so long. But I think H wants me to respond to him as if all this is behind us and forget it. He is rushing me and I cannot help it, but those ugly images and feelings of insecurity keep hitting me. Especially when he tries to touch me. In other words to him, he tells me he loves me, he is trying to show me so why don't I just let it go at that. Does this sound selfish to anyone else but me?

My h has also known the devastation of being cheated on, but I guess at the time he told himself that I would never know so it wouldn't hurt me. And strangely, yes, he also tells me that he can now think back to a time that he protected himself emotionally, afraid that I too would hurt him. It seems he began distancing himself emotionally from me at that point. The hardest thing is that the only way to fix that now is to make it safe for him to make himself totally vulnerable to me now. But it will take time, right now it's all I can do not to lash out at him when the waves of anger hit me. The other night I never even raised my voice, but he saw the hate in my eyes; it scared him I think. And yet through all this, there has been a lot of love in my blue eyes too.<P>But I think he has taken all the right steps with the help of Jennifer Harley, one of the phone counselors. I'm not sure if you're in the same boat. Dr. Harley's book, "Surviving an Affair" goes into much more detail than this site. You can't just forget it and go back. They mention 4 rules of recovery: 1. Total Honesty - I believe he has answered all my questions honestly and completely; it has not been easy. Now some intimate details I don't want to know - see my thread.<BR>2. Rule of time. He needs to start spending 15 hours of undivided time with you (sounds like pie in the sky, doesn't it?), but we're getting there, and I have a 5 and 2 year old.<BR>3. Rule of protection relates to overcoming lovebusters, and 4. Rule of care relates to meeting each other's emotional needs. I don't think we could be here trying to work this out without these rules.

Hang in there, devastated...<P>Sounds like the affair is over, and H is telling you, and trying to show you, that he loves you. <P>You're going to have to keep his emotions in mind, while gently explaining your own. He probably DOES want to put the affair behind for both of you, and the quicker the better. It embarrasses and shames him to talk about it. You will WANT to talk about it off and on as the need arises, and get reassurance of his love.<P>In order to get him to talk about it, you will have to reassure him that it's not going to start an argument and that you love him too. Explain to him that although you may not understand why it happened in the first place, you DO understand that it's difficult for him to talk about and you appreciate it when he answers your questions. Keep the specific discussions short in duration and try to always end them on a positive note. I think that way he will remain open to the discussions.<P>Yes, psychologically you may be right. He just might have had an affair on you before that cycle began again (his fear from past experience). Or...that could be an excuse rationalization after the fact. <P>During intimacy, it may help to have candles lit to actually see each other, and share gentle foreplay for extended periods while talking/murmuring. May alleviate your fears that he could be thinking of OW, and soothe the initial feelings of withdrawal you are naturally experiencing. <P>I hope all goes well as you rebuild.