Okay all, but how do I meet his needs when he keeps telling me he thinks we have a perfect relationship? He says I am great. I know I'm not perfect, but I can't fix what I'm doing wrong if I don't know what it is!

Yeah my husband never complained either. He seemed perfectly content with the way things were. All our relationship discussion were one sided couldn't get him to open up. What I did is printed out "Emotional Needs" questionnaire at this site. Told him I wanted to be a better wife and asked him fill it out. I was shocked by his answers Thought I knew him. Anyway, my H finally admitted just recently how unhappy he had been during that time. just as unhappy as I was. Men I think in general don't like to talk about feelings. Also in my case my H tends to be a conflict avoider-if you don't talk about it it will just go away. He also said that our relationship discussions left him feeling "emotionally attacked" and so indequate he thought he could never measure up to my high standards that he would do anything to avoid them. I guess too that maybe he did not want to tell me to change felt I should change because I wanted to.

Sorry to interject, weekend and then busy at work and all.<P>Airheart,<P>I see your point to a greater or lesser extent, depending on the situation. In my own defense all I can say is that in "Anna's" case, what I said really appeared to me to be true. In counseling (what the heck she was doing there I don't know, she was still cheating at that point) she even admitted that there was nothing wrong with her husband, and he didn't need to change. Despite being a very attractive girl, she had self confidence problems. These drove her to be a wee bit controlling and manipulative.<P>Also, she wasn't a terribly responsible person, a bit of a dreamer. I remember the story of the "grocery money". They went to the grocery store. After ringing in all the food, low and behold the direct payment machine would not approve their purchase. So they go home child in hand with no food. When they get there my friend notices all these bags of clothes on the floor. "What's this?" he asks. Anna says it's clothes she's going to return. We are talking lots of them. Turns out she had paid for them all with cheques, cleared out the account, and now they didn't even have enough money to buy milk for their daughter. The rules around here are if you pay with a check, you get a check back, so this situation was going to last at least three days. So off my friend goes to borrow money from his dad again.<P>The church story is another good example. They were deciding whether to go to my friend's church, where he had grown up, his parents attended, and where he had several friends, or her church, a start up her parents had recently started attending. My friend proposed that in the interim, they would go one week to his church and one week to hers. Well, my friends talk about not meeting emotional needs! This meant my friend was the most selfish, inflexible person in the world. According to Anna, a fair compromise was to go to Anna's church every week. Selfish to Anna meant somebody didn't want to do it her way. Compromise was a foreign concept to her.<P>So, I think in the example I was using, my quote was appropriate. It does apply to "Anna". I do see your point as well, although not in this case. Two people meeting each other's emotional needs can only occur in a situation where the two people are each prepared to do their 50%. A bridge is always built with 50% on each side of the river. So if both people do their 50%, it works. As soon as one person begins to believe they are entitled to a bit larger share, say 51% of the emotional support, some sort of slippery slope thing happens. Pretty soon it's 52%, then 55%, then 60%, and so on until the bridge collapses. Interestingly most of the rubble ends up on the bank with the larger share of the "emotional needs". I like analogies. I get carried away though.<BR>

nonplused,<P>While your friend's wife Anna sounds like a pretty selfish person, I interpreted your original post to say you were drawing a direct comparison to mschif, which I thought was a trifle unfair. My apologies if that was not the case.<P>It also seemed to me that you made the conclusion that all you have to do is change your expectations (read: lower your standards) and you can be happy with your spouse. While that may be true in some folks case, I still think it takes two to make a happy marriage, and sometimes the other person must make changes (your line <I>nasty habit of being himself</I> -- sometimes that is a nasty habit! ). In the case of your example, it should've been your friend who was seeking changes from Anna, not the other way around. I would expect that he was pretty miserable much of the time they were married.<P>I agree whole-heartedly with your bridge analogy. But I don't see a solution, except to get the two parties to recognize where the inequality is and start working to even out the load.<P>--andy

Airheart,<P>glad it wasn't just me wondering how I got lumped into the Anna category. In fact, my case has been a bit of the opposite.I have a habit of putting everyone else's needs before my own, and I'm really realizing that this has left me a bit resentful, so I'm trying to ask my H how we can even out our relationship. I definitely agree with the brige theory, and I was the one who let it start to slip I guess. My toughest thing here is getting him to understnad that I am not blaming him, I'm asking for his help.

My turn to jump in..I am one of those husbands who did not know exactly how to meet the emotional needs my wife needed before she became vulnerable. I also fall into that case where I was never directly told about the unhappiness of not meeting those needs. I understand there are spouses who may not exactly know why they are sad or unhappy and what exactly they are missing in the marriage. As far as change goes...I agree with Andy, it is imperative that your husband listen to you. WHO CARES THAT HE THINKS YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS FINE. That is his perspective and obviously not how you feel. How you feel about the marriage is important, both people have to have their needs met. I could tell you most of my needs were being met in my marriage, thus I thought things were fine. Only we didn't know about her needs she really needed met. A husband can change his behavior especially when it comes to affection and conversation which sounds like what you are asking for. You are not asking him to change his core being or his entire life, just his behavior towards you. If he really loves you, he needs to show that in a way that it does meet your needs. I would really like to get the chance to do that to my wife....now I know what it takes...I was so clueless (like most guys)...I hope he realizes it before your emotional affair overwhelms you and makes you totally withdraw from the marriage.

mschif, airheart;<P>Just to clarify, my intention was not to group anybody in to the "Anna" category. I know very little about mschif or her situation. I saw some similarities in the original question and situation, so I thought maybe the story would be helpful. Those parts that apply I hope are useful. Those parts that do not apply are still part of the story. I didn't make any of it up and I didn't alter any of it to prove a point. From my point of view, that's what happened to "Anna". Of course, she would see it entirely different. There are two sides to every story and I was just an observer. As a close friend of her husband I heard his story extensively, but I only heard her side of the story through my now ex wife. And that version was tainted to suit my ex's point of view as well.<P>So I ask please don't take any of it as a judgement on mschif or anybody else. It's just an example I'm familiar with. Every situation is different. My apologies if I came across that way.<P>I still like the generalities at the end though. The lawn mowing one is one of my favorites too. My friends and I have come to refer to men who move in on your lady as "lawn mowers". You might use it this way: "There I was, talking up Susan, and Jim comes over and mows my lawn!" OK, sick sense of humor, I admit. The vision that comes to mind for me is the new guy mowing the lawn on the weekends, at my old house!<BR>