Hi, I am a 40 year old female married to a 34 year old male for 5 years. I am in an unhappy marriage basically because we have no had any sex for the last 2 years, in addition, no intimacy, no affection. Just a peck of a kiss before he leaves for work. He says he is still attracted to me and doesn't want a divorce, yet, nothing has changed. I am very vocal and do speak up when something is wrong. We have even gone to marriage counselors yet, everything remains the same. I am already taking Zolof (100mg) for depression. We have 2 children (1year and 3 years) but they are in bed by 8:00pm. <BR>He never even leaves me little notes or cards, or never surprises me with anything. It's all for himself. I am really disgusted with the whole thing. I use to buy him clothes and nicknacks but he does not this of me. The other thing that is driving me really crazy is his laziness. He is SOOOOOO lazy!!!! He can walk right by trash, paper, garbage piled up and not bother picking it up. He has left his dirty clothes in a pile for 2 months until finally I couldn't take it anymore. I left them there to see how long it would take before he decided to pick them up. Never did.<BR>Does nothing in the household/fixing. I have bought home repair books and am learning. I basically do everything. I am starting to think why whould I need another baby in the house (him). I do everything myself-clean, fix things, wallpaper, paint, hammer,take care of the kids and have a full-time job. I get no affection or intimacy from him. I also thought about having an affair to someone who is attracted to me, but, it's just a thought right now and don't think that's the way to go. I am really lost and don't know what to do. I really don't want a divorce because of the children. I have become very distant from him and even if he decided that he wanted intimacy or sex, I just would cringe at the thught and don't think I could do it because I don't want him to touch me anymore since it's been so long. 1.5 years ago, I sat on the bed and begged him to touch me and make me feel like a woman and he just refused. I really felt like a fool and swore I would never do that again-beg. Than I tried putting on these long black boots that come over my knee with a see-through black nightie but he just looked at me and laughed and held a conversation like I was wearing regular street clothes. I swore I would never do that again either. I never did. I know many guys would have jumped at the chance. Not my husband. I find him to be very boring. I love when he's not around anymore. What is your take on this whole thing? Help.

In some ways I hear a little echo of my own story here. I have to confess that when it comes to housework and picking up I fall into that sterotypical role of male lazy. <BR>Though two months??? How many pairs of underwear does he have? Even I do wash if I run out of underwear :-)<BR>Aside from that stuff, its your mention of being on an antideprsessant for you. Like you the doctors pushed that stuff on me but every now and then a therapist gets to saying hmm. you don't really seem to have the symptoms of depression. However, my wife has the family history, she has lost interest in sex, has a constant down mood (I often feel like she has only two emotions numb and angry). When I read about the symptoms I am allegedly having I keep wondering why I am taking the anti-depressants (I even had zooloft for awhile now paxil, now another). But I never stopped enjoying life or felt hopeless despite all the bad stuff that has happened. In fact, my wife keeps shouting how hopeless it all is. I really wonder if some people are emphatic, go to the doctors and end up getting diagnosed for their spouse' illness. Your story sounds the same. I'm starting to fight back though and argue and question my doctor. I'm trying to encourage my wife to get tested for depression. I pray that eventually I'll win out. Though now I'm worried for myself. I fell better off the stuff but I can't go off it here without my doctors willingness thanks to a wonderful NY State law that mandates you have to take your prescribed medicine. <BR>I'd really recommend you look into this possiblity with your therapist and doctor. Because it does sound like the wrong person is getting medical treatment. You may also want to check into something other than zoloft. When I took that I lost a lot of weight but did tend to get more irritable. The worst experience I ever had was Buspar it sent me into raving fits and tantrums. the paxil has killed my motivation and really had some weird sexual side effects. These pills do mess with our heads so we need to keep up on them, talk to a good pharmiscist too. I was put on one med. once was told by my doctor it was mild etc. etc.., then he told me to just stop taking it. I did felt sick as anything for two days. I called the doctors at the time they said it was all a coincidence. I called the drug store the pharmiscist told me to take the medicine immediately and then slowly decrease for several days since the drug was addictive. And to this day i get a nervouus twich in my neck. So much for not realizing that doctors are good but so are pharmasicists. Good Luck!<BR>P.s how on earth do you get your kids to stay in bed :-)<BR>

Thank you KAM for your thoughts. I do agree with what you said, but, my husband is also taking medication for depression (wellbutrin) and I guess seems to help. For me, I guess I need it because I do have depression and it runs in my family. I don't have the kind of depression that I feel so blue and the world is horrible, etc. I use to be like that when I was 15, 16, 17, 18 years old. It's funny that this medication thing came up because I was going to set up an appointment to see a therapist to try to get off of the medication and be medication free. I don't want to be on medication and be dependent on it, which it sems I am right now. I know that I have to get myself together and think about me. <BR>My children are great. I have never had a problem with them going to sleep. Thank God!!! Everyone I know always has problems with their children sleeping- not mine. I put the baby (1 year) down to sleep at 6:00pm and she goes down and never wakes up until 7:00 or sometimes 7:30am. Same with my three year old. Down at 8:00pm and up at 7:30am. so, like I said, there is just no excuse for my husband to not give my any affection or intimacy. I have had depression and also have been on different types of medication and I still have felt the same, affectionate, intimate, etc. Especially now, I should not want any of the above because I have a fulltime job (work a nightshift) and come home and take care of the kids all day. Nightshift is something I decided to do so I can be with my children instead of sticking them in daycare. When they go to preschool, I will be able to get back into my career. Also, I will be starting a home based business, so, if anyone should feel like not having any sex, it should be me. 2 years is a very very long time for anyone. I really miss the affection and intimacy. My husband has it in him, because 2 weeks ago, I got on the computer and went into bookmarks, which he bookmarked porno webs. I was so upset and furious. I confronted him and stated that I can't take it anymore. I told him that it wasn't right that he treats me like an object and never touchs me, yet, can go on the computer and watch porno's and jerk-off. That's a favorite of his. I was so hurt, that I finally put my foot down and said that something has to be done in this marriage or that's it. We proceeded to go to a therapist, but, nothing has changed. Thanks for your input. It's always nice to hear what someone else thinks. Yes, by the way, the clothes that were left did not have underwear in that pile. But, he will get down to his last pair before he does anything. I know that some guys are lazy but not to the extent that my husband is. I feel like I have another child to take care of and I surely don't need another child. Anyway, thanks again for your response.

Hi Katya,<P>I read your posts and KAM's reply. First, let me say that St. John's Wort helped me with anxiety and depression. I know that it does not work for everyone, but it did for me and I no longer have to take it because my H and I have been working on our marriage.<P>If you will read my profile you will see what brought me to this site. I have been where you are. We understand about the porn/mast issue, and we believe that in many if not most cases both are addictive. This is probably what you are dealing with. My H's addiction came into our marriage and started when he was a teen. He used it for stress relief, etc. because he had no one he felt comfortable talking to and his homelife made him feel that he could not talk to his parents, etc. (You know when your parents do not talk things out and only tend to hurt each other or they ignore issues.).<P>In addition, I really feel that if Dr. Harley's information is followed by a husband and wife that they can not only work through existing and past issues but also know how to work through current and future ones in an agreeable and satisfying way.<P>If you want more information about sexual addiction, go to <A HREF="http://www.sexaddict.com/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.sexaddict.com/</A> <P>Hope this helps. Let us know what happens.<BR>Hugz and prayers, Thoughtful<P>------------------<BR>To save your marriage use Dr. Harley's methods at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/</A> <BR>

Dear Katya<P>Thank you for your response to my letter, i know how you feel about no intimacy, we too have not been that way in al ong time( if you don't count the odd 'mistake' as my wife calls it. I understand you can't force any one to stay , but all i want is to open there eye's to what could be happiness as a family.I have tried many of the things you said , flowers,poems,love letters, dinners and still nothing. I know how you feel about your husband untill i understood there was a problem,we had no communication, affection, nothing, I as a man never knew how much the small things ment, and by not doing them how much they hurt my wife, i did not mean to do it but it was me just being a man. Maybe your husband does not understand what they mean either. The sex and being tried well you have not said what type of work he does or if he is a hard worker, I have said that to my wife a lot also "i'm tried" well now i know that a lot of it was caused by stress at work, i hate my job but it pays not to bad, and it pays the bills i'm stuck there (finally looking for a new one),Have you asked him how his job affects him. When a man does not know how to fix a problem he will go into this makebelieve cave, his cave and shut everyone out even the one's who love him.He will know that there is problems, but untill he comes up with anwsers he will just retreat deep into his cave, it could last days, months, and even years. Don't go into his cave and try to drag him out, he'll go deeper in, but stay by the mouth of the cave and support him don't push just talk him out without critisim, it may take a while but it may help. Well if you need a friend to chat to you know where to find me goodnight for now , and keep the faith.

Dear Tuf2lose:<BR>Thank you for your response. I have also read the book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venue: and it does say that men go into their cave. As a matter a fact, my husband has said the same thing. Yes, his job can be stressful at times. He is in the shipping industry where he ships products all over the world. He sits at a desk all day. He works M-F normal hours. He comes home and sits on the couch and there is where is butt print remains. I, a mother of 2 (1 year old and 2 year old) work an overnight shift (11:00pm to 7:45 am), I come home and I am with the girls all day until my husband gets home. I clean, cook, do laundry, foodshop, play with my girls (park, malls, zoo, amusements parks, beach), fix things around the house, all until my husband gets home. Even then, I don't pass the children off to my husband. I read them bedtime stories, spend time with them, bathe them and put them down to bed while my husband relaxes. Many times, he will go and spend time with our 3 year old. Then when they go to bed by 8:00pm. I will stay up for another hour and talk with my husband. Than I get my sleep from 9 to 10:30pm until its time for me to go to work again. So.....even though he may have a stress ful job, I also have a very stressful job and not just one job but two. Yet, I still want to make love, want affection, want intimacy, etc... but, it's just not there. My mom sometimes watches the kids so we can go out, but, still nothing has changed. He may go into his cave, yes, but he has been in there for quite some time. I decided to leave him in their with some food (for thought). I go about my business and do what I have to do. I can't worry about this anylonger. I think I finally decided that I will look towards the future and build one possibly without him. I will be starting my own home-based so I can stop this overnight job. I am in a professional field, but, because I choose to stay home with my children instead of putting them into day care, I took on a job that was overnight. This was my choice because I was to be with my girls. I feel this is my responsibilty to raise them not anyone elses. So, I understand the cave thing, but, it's really hard for me to accept it because of all the above I do... Thanks for your reply. Your friend, Katya

Dear Thoughtful:<BR>You know, I think I will try St.John's Wort because its not exactly a drug. I was going to get off the Zolof completely but after reading your message, maybe I will try that along with the therapy. Thanks for reponding and for your help. Katia

Katya,<BR>please talk to your doctor first about St. John's wort. It should be claasified as a drug and it can cause serious side effects plus you'll be mixing medications and if your doctor isn't involved it may e hard to discriminate as to which is really helping you. Its possible St. johns would be better for you or a combo, but you really need your doc's input.<BR>Also, I was looking at one of your earlier posts and thinking that maybe your husbands med. isn't really working for him. Also, are you positive he's masturbating and all to the pictures and sites?? The paxil I was on was really doing weird things for me sexually and in all honesty I pulled up sdome steamy erotic stuff partly to test my body to see if it still worked? In other words I was feeling scared and insecure that the drugs were making it impossible for me sexually. Just something to put out there.<BR>Also, it sounds like you've gotten trapped in supermom role. Does your husband refuse to read the stories or has a ritual developed with the kids and he's been unitentionally left out. Have you ever encouraged the kids to go to their dad with a book? That 1 year old might surprise you but I bet the three year old would love it. In all my wife started taking the kids to the library getting books etc.. The kids viewed them as their mommy thing to do. I felt left out until my son wanted and asked me to read. And of course I did it dad style, silly voices , not following along etc... My wife wasn't too thrilled cause it wound them up abit (maybe I'm the reason they can't go to bed <BR>Anyway, hang in there. And good luck in your new field. what is it?

Dear Kam:<BR>Thank you for responding and giving me some insight on the St. John's wort. I am not too familiar with St. John's wort but I heard it works. I asked my doctor about it and she said that it's really no different than Zoloft or any other antidepressant, it's just that the St. John's wort would cost more to purchase per month than the Zoloft if one has insurance. What's your take on that?<BR>Yes, I can relate to what you said about being scared about your body. When my husband first started taking an antidepressant 2 years ago, the same thing happenned (with Prozac), his body (he said) felt really weird as if it was disconnected and that he felt the same as you - scared and insecure, so, to see if he still "had it" he masturbated. The drug felt too weird for him, so he changed medications. As far as masturbation, when i first met him, he was soooo totally into pleasing himself and even wanted me to watch him all the time. He had a problem (sexually)with his first marriage (I am his second) in which he never got that resolved and I think brought that into this marriage. We had many discussions on him masturbating soooo much. Finally, he agreed that it probably was not a good idea for the relationship that he did it so much. I am not opposed at all to masturbation, but, he did it way tooooooo much. So, now since we have zero sex in the past 2 years, this is what he does. I asked him and he tells me. Like I said, I discovered that he had bookmarked the voyeurism website so watch these women and masturbate. I was so very very hurt and cried because it was an insult to me that I, his wife, who he won't even touch or be intimate with, etc. and turn around and get turned on by someone else. <BR>As far as my mommy role, I do get into the mommy role because that is my responsibility. When my H gets home, it's his responsibility to spend time with the children. 1 and a half ago, we had several fights about this, because he would come home and do his thing and not spend anytime with the children. So, now, he does read and go outside and play with the girls, plays in the sandbox, swings, etc. But, even though he does this, my 3 year old never wants my H to read to her or put her to bed. She starts pulling a tantrum if she see that her father is ready to put her to bed or bath her or read to her. I have tried and tried talking to her but she insists that I do it for her. Even kissing her father good-night is an ordeal. I just don't understand it. I have talked to her and made my H be there with me when I read and I stay when he starts to read (and then leave) although sometimes it's o.k. for reading but anyting else, she goes off. I know it must be hurtful to my H, but, it's not like I take on the mommy role when he gets home either. I let him come home and let him get himself together instead of throwing the kids in his arms and saying here they are. I don't understand why my 3 year old is acting like this. We do not fight in front of the children and I always demand respect from them. Well, at least my 3 year old (my 1 yr doesn't understand). My 3 yr old will not get away with disrectful behavior, yet, she keeps on disrespecting my husband. No matter how I feel about my H, whether I am angry, resentful or distant, I always want my girls to have a good relationship with their father. This is why we fought about my H spending time with the girls. I always look out for what is best for them. I know what it feels like to be a child of divorced parents. I never want my children go through not having one parent around. So, I will always try my best to make it happen so my children can grow up in a healthy way.<BR>I am in the social work field. Right now, I'm not because of the girls. I have a degree B.A. and a 2 year Master's in Social work (adminstration). I have a B.A. in Elementary Education and am certified in Special Education. I have been working in the field of mental retardation for over 20 years. I have worked in every capacity from group home worker, handicapped teacher to being an adminstrator of a facilitly for the mentally retarded. I have worked with all kinds of mentally deficit people ranging from very profoundly/severly to mildly retarded to autistic and extreme behavioral problems. But, since I have been in this field for sooooo long it's time for a change. <BR>So, now I am going to open up a mail-order catalog for children's books. This way, I can stay at home and be with my children and still make money. Plus, it's important to me to teach my daughter how to be independent and not depend on anyone. She's alot like me now. I want her to see that mommy can work for herself and not someone else, so she can get that concept in her head and do the same thing. I worry about the future of my girls and am always thinking ahead of time. I don't just stay at home and let them watch t.v. all day. They learn. My 3 year old knew her abc's by the time she was 2 years old and knew her numbers up to 16 by 2 also. People were very impressed.<BR>Anyway, I hope that answers your questions. Thanks for taking an interest to respond. I know some of the bulletin boards that I have responded to, you have also. You also have some good insight also. Your friend, Katya<BR>I just looked over what I wrote. Whew!!! Boy, do I write alot. I know some of my responses to others are sooo long. Oh well, I guess I have alot to say....

Hi Katya,<P>As to the cost of St. Johns Wort vs. prescription drugs... first does cost matter if it works better and has fewer side effects? second how much would you spend on the prescr. after insurance per month? St. John's Wort is about $8 a bottle here 60 pills and I only took one a day for 2 months and then took it on days when I had had a stressful day the day before.<P>Wow, you do all that you do on 1 1/2 hours of sleep? Could your lack of sleep be causing your problems in addition to the stress?<P>The situation you talk about with your H's mast. background leads me to believe that he could be addicted to mast. If he is, you have a rough road ahead until he stops doing it, tells you the truth, and explores why he does it. Only then can you repair your marriage - just like Harley says here on this site. Believe me, I have been where you are, and am finally getting to real living and rebuilding of my marriage.<P>If you would like to talk one on one about this, please feel free to email me at c-d@eudoramail.com<P>Hugs and prayers,<BR>Thoughtful

Dear Thoughtful:<BR>I just wrote you on Emmiebear's post. I'm not taking St. John's Wort because of cost, it's just what the doctor told me about cost and so this is why she prescribed the Zoloft. It doesn't make a diffence to me either if it costs more or less. I am really thinking about taking it, but, I was responding to KAM's reply to me. <BR>I probably do have a long road ahead of me, and yes, thank you, I will bring that up in therapy because after reading your responses to me, maybe you are right. There is a reason why he is masturbating so often (I don't ask how often, but, obviously he would rather do that than be with me. He doesn't seem to think he has a problem. I had talked to him about that when we first met and he agreed that he was doing it too often and should concentrate on us. I guess I just don't understand the self-gratification, of always just wanting that. I am not opposed to masturbation, because hell, I sure do, but, I myself, get bored of it. So, I just don't understand it. He loves (I'll put LoVED) when I would do him manually so he can watch me stroke him. Go figure. Sometimes he would not want me to do anything else, not even put my mouth on him, just stroke him until he climaxes. I guess you think that he does have a problem with this, huh? I will go to the therapist and talk about this. I don't think it's very healthy (mentally speaking)to a relationship. <BR>Well, again, you have been a help to me and my thanks goes out to you. Thanks for your e-mail. It's really nice to know that there are people out there that one can talk to and make so many friends as I have on the bulletin board. I will keep you informed.<BR>Your friend, Katya

Your husband does have a problem. I will confess as a male that there masturbatution means and is experienced completely differently than it is for a women. Part physiology, part social ubbringing, part ease of doing it You say that you are not turned off by masturbation. Are you sure? Maybe part of what happened between you and your husband is that he exposed his most vulnerable sexual side to you and you rejected it so now he feels totally rejected. There's a great story about a boy who thought he was a chicken. He sat under the family dinner table constantly clucking. Nothing could get the boy to move and stop claiming to be a chicken. finally a wise old doctor came to the house. He asked the family to leave him alone with the boy. Hours passed and later the the family could hear two people clucking under in the kitchen. They raced in only to find the boy fully dressed sitting at the table with the doctor, eating, talikng and laughing as they jokingly clucked at each other. The family was astonished. When they asked the doctor what he did to convince the boy to change. The doctor said, "Nothing, I got undressed sat next to him and once he accepted me as a chicken I just pointed out that there's a much better and more enjoyable way to be a chicken." Hope that makes sense <BR>I also can't help but wonder if there's some history of sexual abuse in your husband's past. If not I'd go back to the above and ask if you've ever tried to join him? Or hand jobs oral sex?? And also sex therapy??<BR>Also, just because your husband can masturbate doesn't mean he has it in him to be intimate. Masturbation has very little to do with intimacy.<BR>Re: your 3 year old How typical!!. They seem to have a bizarre fasination with death and and heaven/hell scenarios plus an uncanny knack of being very one parent focused. There are mommy things and Daddy things. It sounds like bedtime ritual has become a mommoy ritual. If your h. wants to put her to bed he'd have to make up a whole new Daddy ritual between him and her.<BR>Actually, it must be hard for kids to love two parents. There sense of time is so immediate there really isn't a past, present and especially not future yet for them. they are so focused how can they love what isn't immediately present in fron of them? They aren't even aware it exists. I think that's the biggest milestone for a child when they realize they can love everybody even when they aren't around. Bedtime prayers are a great place to watch that unfold. I guess I'm trying to say that I've seen in my own kids and others that being disrespectful around one parent isn't unusual. Tomorrow morning she may suddenly and unexpectantedly "turn" on you <BR>Although there's a couple more troubling possiblities. One may be that she is mirroring your behavior to your husband. That's not meant to be a put down on you, but sometimes realizing that is a great wake up call. <BR>By the way, it is so naive of us parents to think that because we never fight "in front" on the kids they don't know we're fighting. I've yet to find a house with that good of insulation between walls. Plus, just try closing the door and kids immediately stand outside it. By the way, it was my four year old who pointed that one out?<BR>It's great your daughter can do all those things. Each of my kids has done amazing things too. But the real test...Can they make mud pies without being encouraged? Can they make a mess because they were just too darn curious? Can they pretend to be a dinosaur (or a chicken???) and force you to be one too? Can they giggle for no reason at all? <BR>Also, why is it so important to be so "independent?" I couldn't evn respond to you without the help of a whole slew of people I'll never even meet? Real muturity comes from being inter-dependent. No one is or can be an island especially a child.<BR>Re; St. John's Wort? Remember Fen Fen?? Hmm hhmm that was over the counter too. If it is really as effective as zoloft or others, why isn't it being prescribed or its key active chemical ingredient being used? Most of our "modern" medicines are derived from natural herbs with the inert and often harmful ingredients put removed. I would talk to your doc. and also some insurance companies will reimburse or cover even over the counter medications if a doctor prescribes them. As thoughtful says what works is what counts, I'd talk to your doctor. My doctor gave me a red light on St.John's wort because it can cause heart problems and I already a have an arrythmia. It would ony irritate that possibly dangerously so. I guess I'm not saying its bad but rather it should be in the same category as zoloft, paxil, etc... needs a perscription and therapy!<P>

Hi how are you, thank you for reading my poem that was posted, i'm glad you liked it there will be more in the days to come,some from the past some from the present. I am doing well with the suport of people and friends i may be able to let her go for a while, it may help her, it will be tough but so am i. They say what does not kill you makes you stronger, and i once again feel . I still do not eat much but now it is my choice no need to worry but thanks anyway. I'm sorry to hear you are losing faith in your husband, i hope you hand in there. I think there is something your husband is hiding from you, not sure what it is but maybe something dark from his past, trust me it can and will eat a person up. It's funny i do the same kind of work as your husband (shipping) i think i may have even felt the same as him.Hang tough , i know it's hard but with friends we will all get by. If you like i will give you my e mail address if you want to talk off line it is joseph.ballett@sympatico.ca hope to hear from you, take care for now.

I quickly read your post Katya, so please forgive me if I missed something.<P>The only advice I can give is to tell him in no uncertain terms how you feel. Unfortunately, even this may not work.<P>One year ago my wife sent me a note telling me how she felt. That she didn't think I cared anymore, noticed her pain, wanted to be with her. I did nothing and four months later she started an affair that ended just 3 weeks ago.<P>It started when I failed to take a day off and go with her to have a non-invasive medical procedure done. A friend was there though. He told her that she should never have to go through that alone. The affair began shortly after.<P>To any other men reading these post. Learn from one who had to beat over the head, cherish your wife and make damn sure she knows it. It is the simple things that count most, the kind words, telling her she is beautiful, looks nice, that you love her. Notice her, notice her moods, see the pain and joy in her eyes. Never leave her to go through anything alone.<P>To Katya: tell him how you feel, what your needs are, and warn him. I didn't meet my wife's needs, so she found someone who would.<P>

Dear Tuf2lose:<BR>Thank you for responding. I was wondering what happened to you and glad that you are alright. Thanks for the e-mail and I will write you. I really don't know, you may be right about my H's past, but don't know. Maybe in therapy it will come out.

Dear ydnar:<BR>Thank you for your response. I am sorry that you didn't listen to your wife which in effect pushed her into an affair. Your message is so true!!!! I hope all the men can read your post and learn from it.<BR>This is all I want and I am not heard. I am hurting. Funny thing is, last night we went out to dinner. I asked him the question, "what would you do if one day you found out that I was having an affair. what would you do"? His reply was that he would leave the house to calm down, then come back and talk to me and find out what he did wrong for me to go ahead and have an affair. WHY do men do that?????? So, let me get this straight. In order for my H to listen to me and give me what I need, then I should have an affair??? That is the most silliest things I have ever heard of. That makes no sense to me! Yes, but this is something that I can really relate to your W. It is kindof pushing me in that direction. He told me last night that maybe I am having one now (which I am not and never did) and that he would never know it. He said it as if we were having a conversation about the weather. Didn't seem bothered by it at all. Hummmmmm. Why do men do this???? We let you know what it is that is bothering us and what we want and yet, men wake up after the women has the affair. go figure. But, can someone answer me that question because I just don't get it.

Dear Kam:<BR>I really never thought that my H had a problem with the masturbation, but, your not the only one that has written to me to say the same thing. I am not turned off by masturbation, however, if it's used excessively, like it was at the beginning of our relationship, then I do have a problem with it. At the beginning, that is all my h was interested in doing. He would either do himself while I would watch (which is what he loves and I guess I don't understand that either) or while I just do him with my hand. Then, I would be next. But, it was always him first and him doing himself while I watched. I always wondered why he even needed me to be there if he was touching himself and to the point of climaxing?! After awhile, here is where you are probably right, where he became rejected. Only because this masturbation thing got out of hand. If it wasn't his hand then my hand. If it wasn't my hand then my mouth. I also tried in joining him and he liked that. But, the whole thing always revolved manual sex. It got to be a routine and boring. I liked your story about the chicken and it makes sense. But, to me, it got to be all him and I became secondary and sometimes nothing. No, my H does not have a sexual abuse in his past. I understand that masturbation has little to do with intimacy. He use to be very intimate with me at the beginning, even when this masturbation thing went on. We have not gone to a sex therapist but are seeing a marriage therapist. Would we have to go to a sex therapist or could a marriage counselor do the sex therapy too?<BR>About the children. Thank you for responding to that because after reading what you wrote, it made me feel so much better that other children go through the one parent focus thing. I will definetly suggest that to my H that maybe he should have a ritual with her. Good idea. As in terms of mirroring my behavior toward my H, I really don't think so because I never show that side to her. When he comes home, we say hello and hug and give each other a kiss and ask how each others day was with smiles. It is very important to both of us, no matter what are problems are, not to inflict the problems on our children. So, we try to be like any two parents should be in a relationship that is healthy (even though we are not). We do fight in front of the children but not yelling and screaming is what I was saying. It is very naive to make children think that parents don't fight because then what happens is, when they grow up and get into a relationship, they will have alot of problems and be in shock when they do get into their first fight. We try to talk more then fight in front of them. I want her to learn that the way to solve problems is through talking and not screaming and running away. Sometimes, she will see that I will walk away and ask why. I will tell her that mommy is taking some time out to think about things and then will go talk to daddy.<BR>Kids are amazing and wonderful to be around. They sometimes teach me things such as when I am behaving the way I shouldn't. Example: last week, my daughter said, "mommy, don't yell at daddy". It brought me back to reality because I wasn't thinking. I apologized and told her that I didn't mean to yell, that it was wrong for me to do that. <BR>About the independency part, well, I feel that way because, my H does absolutely nothing around the house. Even the stuff he's suppose like hammering, fixing stuff that men usually fix. My daughter has come up to me and said, oh look, the door is broken. I guess daddy will fix it when he comes home from work. I tell her, No, mommy will fix it. Mommy can do things, fix things, just like daddy can. I have learned to do manythings in the house. I just don't want my daughter growing up fully dependent on her boyfriend or H to fix something that she can do herself. I wouldn't want her stranded on a deserted road by herself, waiting for a man to come by and fix her tire if she has a flat which could be looking for trouble. It's so different today then it was years and years ago, the 50's. Values, morals, etc. everything was diffent, Now, it's to each his own. Women work outside the home as much as the men. Yes, real maturity comes from inter-dependency. yes, maturity. I am not saying for my children to grow up totally independent, but, to have the knowledge from watching her parents and learning different skills can bring that maturity to the level that would be needed for the independency when she is older. Thanks for the info on St. John's Wort. I can't help thinking about Phen-Phen either. I keep thinking that St. Johns' Wort is suppose to be so wonderful and somehow they'll come up with something that the drug does that will mess you up big time like the phen-phen. I will talk tomy doctor thought and also ask the therapist.

Katya,<BR>This has been a long weekend and a lousey one too. I came down with some pneumonea! (It hurts!) and strep throat at the same time. My wife. kids, and I had made plans to go visyt some old friends. My doctor put me on bed rest and they all went without me. Its been so quiet around here and I can't wait for my kids to get back and yes my wife. I must be making real progress because I had trouble falling asleep because when she said 'I love you" on the phone. I didn't, boy did I feel lousey. I made a point of saying it today. It wasn't as passionate as I'd like but in my heart I know I mean it and am scared stiff something will happen.<BR>Please don't take this the wrong way, but Katya, it really sounds like you're not giving your husband enough time. He's probably not a handyman and all.Neither am I, but it's important to me that I take the responsiblity. Please don't be so afraid of your daughter being dependent on a guy. Us guys don't seem to be worried about being dependent on women. Seriously think about that. Why not say to your daughter, "I'm sure your daddy can!" if its not an immediate crisis point it out politely to him and let him take care of it> It might take days, months or whatever. How bout buying him a homeimprovement book or some tools along with his major Holiday or b-day presents (not in place of them but along with them)<BR>Also, let me see you do all the housework, the bedtime stuff, the fixing up, the majority of the playing with your daughter. Hmm. do you think her question might have also meant "Mom? What is a Daddy for?"<BR>By the way as a guy I take great pride in knowing how to fix my car its called AAA and the Shop <BR>When you talk of your daughter you talk so much of what you are teaching her...Confucious felt the problems i his time were caused by a confusion of names and roles. We live in similar times, We say I love ice cream, I love Tori Ammos, or I love my dog, I love my parents, etc... Then when we say "I love You." We're shocked that the other person doesn't know what we mean. The english language's greatest handicap is using the same word love for all types of love. We also confuse roles, our school teachers think they need to be friends and surrogate parents, our friends think they're mentors, our enemies think they're competitors and perhaps worse of all, us parents seem to think that a parents role is to be a teacher. In my field I've seen too many failed "teachers" their kids always just wanted a mom or dad and they never paid attention at home. The son of a democrat becomes a hard core repebublican, the daughter of the "progressive" women becomes the clone of Donna Reed.<BR>Oh and I've found that my own kids and all kids I've worked with never pay attention to the whay we act around them. They always see us when we aren't acting and that's far more often than we realize. Think of all those words and expressions your daughter uses, you wonder where she get that phrase, then you watch yourself on video and whoola there you are saying it! You mentioned your daughter never sees you get fight or yell at your husband, so why did she ask you not to?<BR>Oh and yes, there is a big difference between a marriage counselor and a sex therapist. A marriage counselor might be trained in that area, but they usually focus on communication issues (as I have unfortunately discovered). And re; your husband having abuse in the past. You may not know about it and he may be dismissing it as inconsequential or its too painful. He has several symptoms. Sometimes its the spouse who recognizes the abuse first. For years I wondered about my wife until she finally opened up and said there was one small incident, then it became two, then three, and four, then back to two no three?? She still downplays it and insists it has nothing to do with her current feelings about sex. You husband is probably still in denial. And not meaning to upset you you'll probably also discover it was an adult male over 40 when he was about 11-12. You might want to talk privately with your counsellor about this (without your husband being present) and they may be able to progress more appropriately.

Dear Kam:<BR>Feeling any better? That's ashame that your wife left you when your feeling so bad...she should of stayed home and took care of you. I would have. I know my H doesn't like to be pampered when he's sick. He would rather be by himself. Out of curiosity, why did you not tell your wife that you loved her when she told you she loved you? I sometimes do the same thing. But, I do it because at the time I am not feeling it. Actually, I haven't felt that way in a while. But, I do say it anyway thinking that is a start.<BR>About the teacher roles as parents. Well, I disagree and feel we are teachers to our children. We are the parent teachers. The teachers that teach our children love, patience, values and morals. As parent teachers we also give them the love and support and teach them right from wrong. I don't know much about what confucious says, I read more of the Buddism and Kirshimurti. <BR>As far as sexual abuse for my H, I really don't think so but then again, I will talk to the therapist in private. I just know that for a guy to consistently masturbate even if he has the chance to have sex, and doesn't, because he prefers to masturbate.... there's a problem. <BR>You write as if you understand kids. I take it that your a teacher??? I was a teacher. A teacher of the Handicapped. I don't think I could handle high school kids, but, they are probably fun.<BR>Question: Why do you have to take medication since you said it's required by law (state) that you have to? How would N.Y. ever know that you stopped taking it? I guess the pharmacist would notify someone? I just never heard of that. It's interesting though. We have alot of homeless people who really really need to be on medication. They (social workers, which I was one of them) would try to find them on the streets and try to get them to take their medications but it's not mandatory. Boy, if it was, that would clear up alot of craziness that goes on in this city, near where I live. <BR>How in the world did you ever get step throat??? Children usually get that. Take care. Stay off your feet and drink plenty of something... Your friend, Katya

Hi Katya,<P>Re: marriage vs. sex therapist<BR>You can get both in one to a point with Dr. Harley (you can call Steve Harley for phone counseling).<BR>You can ge both in one with a phone therapist my H and I have used named Doug Weiss. You can find out quickly if your H has an addiction if he is willing to be honest with Weiss over the phone. Weiss also knows much about sexual abuse issues. You can find out more at <A HREF="http://www.sexaddict.com" TARGET=_blank>www.sexaddict.com</A> <P>I know that sexual addiction is a hard thing to think about, but hey, just think if you talk to someone about it, your H is honest with the therapist, and you find out that he is not addicted, all the better in my opinion.<P>BTW, just for the record, I am not against mast. when it does not include nothing to do with porn and fantasies which are not based in reality. But I do stand by Harley's advice that sex should be shared in marriage and mutually agreed upon.<P>Hugs and prayers,<BR>Thoughtful<BR>