I really need your help here. H and I got OW e-mail account files from her H Andy. I just got done reading most of them and I'm so depressed. Things with H and me have been really good but after this I don't know. I'm trying so hard to move forward and say the past is the past but it's getting harder all of the time. My H feels so bad for what he has done. That still doesn't take away the pain. There were so many lies,so many lies. He made me out to be a monster. He had told her that we were seperated and I was being a real ***** ect.. We were never seperated in fact I didn't know what was going on until he came home from his "vacation". I had promised him I wouldn't read these e-mails but I just couldn't help myself. He told her such sweet things, things that I have never heard from him. He sent her roses for her b-day. What do I do now! It's like the pain is all back again. How can I ever live with him knowing all of this. He is trying so hard to make ammends. He did come back to me and I love him so much. Do I let him know that I read them, or do I just keep quiet and deal with this my own way. I guess I wasn't expecting what I read. Maybe I'm just a fool I don't know anymore.<P>Jill

Jill, this proves the point that sometimes it's best not to know EVERYTHING hurtful. That was then, not now. It's so hard, I've been there. I found e-mails after the affair that he had written her and it is so hurtful to both of us. He lied as well and does acknowledge it, but when you have this addiction isn't there ANYTHING that the addicted person would do to get their way? Lie, steal, cheat. Take a deep breath and think about the progress your making now and when were these written? Are they by the same person or someone who wasn't right in their heads at the time? I know how deeply it hurts, you need to show him you've seen them and discuss them with him. If he doesn't answer your questions then, then I would be thinking about where your headed.<BR>Either way ((((((((HUG)))))))))))) God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P><BR>

Chicks- Thanks a bunch! I've calmed down some now. I knew there were lots of lies I just wasn't prepared to read them. I'm going to keep this to myself for awhile as my H really does feel terrible for what he has done and is really trying very hard to make things right again. I'm a strong person and I can deal with them. Believe me I can't wait to let ow know that I read them and that I think they were crazy and sick. You are right it wasn't my H that wrote those e-mails it was some other man. Someone I don't know and who I never want to know.<P>Thanks again!<P>Jill

Jill, why on earth did the OW's H give you those files anyway? Was it unsolicited? That just seems... weird... to me anyway.<P>Just look at it this way -- you've been doing so well with your husband, and the things you read in those emails, well they were facts that DID happen regardless of whether you knew it or not. You can't change it. He's still the same man he was before you read them.<P>--andy

Hi crazy-<P>I have this problem now. My H works with OW and insists he's not seeing her and only has contact that is work related. My gut says he's not lying because of other things he's doing and ways he's trying here at home. However, he won't let me see them! I want to see if they are still being romantic. He does say he won't let me see because he doesn't want me to know who she is yet because he doesn't know what I'll do. (I have had this very ugly, angry person emerge sometimes from me that even I don't recognize).<P>It's been slightly over 2 weeks since he broke it off with OW and I returned home. He comes home after work when he's supposed to now. He's going out of his way to try to win back trust. He's told his 7-year old son before bed one night (when we returned) that he doesn't have to worry anymore. He is very insistent on it being over. Should I worry, especially when the OW is someone who works with him? I'm not stupid enough to close my eyes, but I see a lot of positive things for our family that he is doing on his side, too many to name.<P>He has always been a man who is concerned with having the approval of the closest people in his life - and his family (my MIL in particular) have spoken up about what he did. It had a big effect on him, along with my leaving with the kids. He also has a huge conscience and belief that he has done wrong before God, which translates into guilt. Someone please tell me what you think?<P>I have to say tho, if I could get past his password, I'd probably read whatever I could just to find out how deep this affair went, and how much resentment he had against me, but I'm not someone who would take it to my grave. I believe strongly in leaving in the past in the past. Live in the present and plan for the future. I would only use the past for my OWN INFORMATION to better myself, not to throw back in his face as a weapon.<P>When I read this back, I think I sound so weird and crazy myself. Confused as ever, Kathy

Jill!!!!!<BR>Burn them!!!!!!<BR>As you burn them remember that it is the past.<BR>Be glad that he lied to her. (You know I've been here). Wouldn't it be depressing if he lied to you and favored her with the truth?<BR>He WAS NOT normal then. You know that.<BR>Yes this crap hurts like hell.<BR>Don't loose sight of where you are NOW.<BR>That was then, this is now. Tell him that you read them. Tell him you are hurting. Let him comfort you. Ask him to. You know he wants to be there for you. Help him.<BR>Be a team. Get rid of her.<BR>You know I'm the queen of bonfires. I have had some of my friends send me things to burn for them. I am always available and do quite a good job. As you are burning KNOW that you are getting rid of those memories!!!<BR><P>------------------<BR>Forgiveness is the scent of violets on the heel that crushed it.<BR>WS<BR>

Crazy or what:<P>I read my W's and OM's too... immediately after discovery... 550+ emails! It was pure hell.<P>Your H was not your H during that time...<BR>just like my W was an still isn't my W now still!<P>Think of him as having been on crack cocaine... <B>out of his mind!</B> during that time... now he is healing with your help!! <P>Prayers are coming your way...<P>You can't empty what was put into your mind... but let your heart push it away... and in the distance it will slowly fade.<P>Jim

Good Advice Wasstubborn!<P>I too found emails and icq history of things that hurt me to the core. Nothing sexual it was all how I didn't keep the house clean, I didn't care about him .. etc etc <BR>HE told her he wanted to take her away for a day and pamper her, he told her he was committed to hearing her, that not to worry it was a work in progress. But this is how I caught him. I printed them and showed him, plus he was having a physical affair with someone else, I took the emails out to her work, letting her know he was a just screwing her! <BR>I kept them for awhile, just in case! But I trust him now, although he still works with the one, but he has gotten hip to my snooping ability and deletes everything! Which makes me wonder, but like hurt bad he comes home and spends so much time now with me and the kids, I just can't imagine he has enough inside to keep us both up this way!<BR>Anyway -- point was I really felt good burning those emails! H knows I read them and he hates that I know he gave her what he was withholding from me, so I never bring it up! <BR>It's only been 2 months and I still have down time, but it is better!<BR><P>------------------<BR>Mater<P>

Once again you guys have been here to save me, and I thankyou! H and I have a long road of healing ahead of us. I wish now I had never read all of those e-mails this morning. I guss I felt I just needed the whole picture. My H had already told me pretty much what he had told her but it was reading it for myself that hurt. She was very sexual in her e-mails and that hurt. To me the most unbelievable part to me is what they were saying to eachother and they had never even really met. It was after they really did get together that reality set in for my H. The e-mails did make some of this clearer to me. Like when we did seperate why he kept saying I only wanted him for the money and the things we had. He knew better than that but he was just trying to justify and believe that I was the monster he had made me out to be to her. I guess I'm just glad he finally snapped out of it. <BR>I will tell him I read them. Not now though as I'm too angry and hurt and I don't want to ruin all of the progress we have made by saying things I will regret. <P>Thanks again!<P>Jill

One more thing, I wish I could burn them but I can't. We all hacked into her e-mail account and that is where we found them. Her H is using them for his divorce so I can't even delete them. We did change her password though and my H let her know I and her H had read them.

Oh, Jill, I'm sorry I missed this. You doing ok now?<P>Wassi's right. As soon as you can, burn them. And let your H help you through this pain and hurt. You guys have been doing so well, you're building something wonderful. Give him the chance to stand by you and help you as you stood by him. It's important and you'll both benefit from it.<P>Sorry you had to endure this. I'm thinking about you a lot.<P>Lori

Lori- doing much better today except for the fact that I turned 35. "Ouch" even saying 35 hurts! <BR>H and I went through the e-mails last night and together we relized just how really stupid they sounded. He said he can't believe he actually wrote those things. He said for the most part it was all a game until towards the end. I should have known better than to read them this week(bad pms).<BR>Thanks for all of your help and support!<P><BR>Jill