Hi everyone,<P>Could use some help/advise/opinions on a question my H asked me. He and I were having a discussion that found it’s way to his current feelings for the OW. He “ended” the relationship pretty much when I found out back in Feb. 1999, although there were follow-up, closure type phone calls to her, both by him and myself until July 6th. As far as I know, they have not contacted each other since. In the course of our conversation he mentioned that he wished he could see how she was doing. That he felt like his new, seeming disinterest in her life, was a type of abandonment to someone he cared a great deal for. When asked what he would say to her about “how we were doing” he said he really did not want to talk to her about us, just wanted to know how things were going with her. He then asked me if I would call her for him! Just to see how things were for her!!!! I mentioned the no contact rule, and he said something to the effect that a simple phone call would not be a threat. I then asked, what if her life is hell right now and you think you “can help.” Well, then we would discuss what WE could do? He mentioned that he secretly wished that we, the OW and I, could be friends so we could do things together! He will never NOT want her in some way in his life!!! Another question he asked was “When he could take Hawaii trips again?” And tho, I know some of you run into the OW with frequency because of work or simply because you live in the same town, I don’t think he will ever be able to handle the temptation to be with her, even sleep with her ,if he goes to Hawaii ever again. He says SHE would control the situation because he has seen how she puts off other men and he feels she would do the same to him. Sorta like Hum and others are having to erect walls against the OM. <P>I told him I would ask you guys, betrayers and betrayed, your thoughts on this. He does not seem to whole-heartedly buy the need for the no-contact rule. May even be dealing with the “unrequited love” love syndrome, which must make letting her completely go very difficult. He just doesn’t get “why he has to!”<P>Thanks for your thoughts on the subject.<P>Beth<BR>

yuk pw, that is my first thought.<BR>No contact is just that, NONE. I would stand firm on it. I cannot udnerstand this friend business. I have read that here before and it seems unfathomable to me. Forgiving is one thing, being civil is okay, but friends? I guess I am just too hard for that-too wary.<BR>If he is concerned about her well-being, I offer to send some neutral third party over to check on her.<BR>(((hugs)))

Beth--<P>NO CONTACT. NO CONTACT. NO CONTACT.<P>

This is so easy...<P><B>NO CONTACT</B>!<P>Jim

Hi Pilot's Wife,<BR> This is a testament to your kind and nice spirit....I have made it known to my H that if he contacts the OW again in any way, I will pack us up and move back to where we came from. AND I mean it.....I'm more on the LBusting side but at this point I don't care....I agree with everyone NO CONTACT and he has some nerve to ask you to do this....Lu

But H wants to know "WHY!?" from those who really know and understand!<BR>Whay NO contact period?

PW,<BR>He needs to stay clear of those areas where he is weak. He has already shown that he is weak where she is concerned. He needs to take hte way out that God is providing him. This assumes that he is a Christian. I know it is covered in the Bible. If I find the reference I will post it.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

Because it would hurt you. Isn't that reason enough?!? How can you keep a person in your life who caused your spouse so much pain.

Because...<P>even the smallest thought of OW can ignite some feelings for her again... or even a new OW...<P>... and as soon as it does... it makes you a second class citizen again.<P>The pain he caused you during the affair will return... with a vengence.<P>If there is <B>any</B> contact <B>remember what Dr. Harley said ...the withdrawal clock starts over at 0(ZERO)!</B> You don't want that... and I hope your H doesn't either.<P>Jim

I agree...No contact. And, how dare he suggest YOU call? I don't get that.<BR>Why is it so difficult for the betrayer to realize that any little thought of the OP hurts us? It's like they don't even care. <BR>I give your H alot of credit...he asked and didn't go behind your back. At the same time, I wonder if he even thought of what his request would do to your feelings. My self-worth and self-esteem would go right down the tubes....<BR>Keep a stiff upper lip and stick to your guns...No contact!

Hi Pilot's Wife,<BR> He wants to know why??? .....because of your feelings , in fact the withdrawl clock going back to zero is also one reason but your feelings should be the main reason.I could see my H asking something like this a while back...he thought we should all be "friends" and would tell me what a wonderful person she is/was....gag.....Lu

At least he's asking. That's much better than sneaking around behind your back. I understand where you are with this. My wife continues to see the OM to be "just friends". It hurts and she just doesn't want to fully let go. <P>The problem with not letting go, is that until the OP is out for good you can't get to intimacy. That's our problem. There's always someone else to talk to and share your feelings with. <P>I think you need to be careful how you respond to him, itherwise he will start going behind your back and do it anyway. <P>Encourage him getting guy friends. They can go out and cry in their beer together.<P>SHA

WHY??? How bout because I say so? What part of NO is he having trouble with?<BR>For a big lovebuster you could whack him with wassi's 2x4. It must be a magic 2x4 since her h is still living and being wonderful. I am sure she would be willing to share. I think deb has a fry pan that she loans out too, seems to have special powers as well. <BR>NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

Beth,<P>My first response was "He wants you to call her what, a tramp, a parasite, a plague on humanity?..." But then I got serious and read all the posts.<P>This is what I'd say to his "Why" question: <P>1. You implying that you need to contact her is hurtful to me. <P>2. You asking me to contact her for you is both thoughtless and hurtful. <P>Then, I'd say, "If hurting me is your goal, then resume contact. If restoring our relationship is your goal, then starting thinking about how we are doing and stop worrying about her."<P>blessings,<P>Lizzie/Pearl<P>------------------<BR><BR>"I have found the Pearl of Great Price"<BR>

Hi PW,<BR>The upside of this is that your husband at least shared his thoughts with you. Keep those gates open! The downside is that he is still worried about appearing as if he abandoned the OW. Because what he must remember is that he in essence abandoned YOU when he was having an affair. Assuming that you two have worked out all the reasons he felt compelled to enter into this relationship in the first place, he must now make your feelings a priority and not worry about the OW's, regardless of how "abandoned" she might be feeling. Glad to hear your husband has a heart, but its concerns should now be pointed in your direction only. Good luck!<BR>

Pilot's Wife - Rather than a 2 x 4 I suggest using a frozen solid leg of lamb smack across his head. That way you can cook up a nice meal afterwards and the evidence will be gone.<BR> Simone

simone, are you suggesting cooking h or the leg of lamb?

You guys are great. My H read all the posts including my initial letter. He mentioned that his suggestion that I call her, was more of a retort to my saying that he could not call her. He says he understands what you all are saying and as much as he dosn't like it, he realizes that your advise is the truth. He even thought the 2x4 and leg of lamb ideas were funny. I will continue to do my best to fill all his thoughts with images and memories of me and ours. The only times hard, for both of us, seems to be when he is on trips. Afterall, that is when he would call her and/or see her. I pray that as time goes on it will all get easier and thoughts of her will be infrequent for both of us. I still find myself having imaginary confrontations with her and her H. <P>Thanks for your responses.<P>And CL...<BR>There may come a time yet that I may have to enlist your aid. Hope not, but sure is nice to have a back up plan. <P>Beth