Without getting into the whole story of my wife's affair I would like to know what we can do to help me get through the thoughts of her infidelity that are constantly coming to mind when something triggers these thoughts. I don't know if she has already told me more than I should know of her affair or hasn't told me enough. I know it is over and we are on the right track to put everything we lost back together, but these thoughts are killing me. I wake up in the middle of the night crying my heart out. And if I try to hold back my pain it breaks her heart to see the hurt in my eyes. I really believe if I could only get a handle on this aspect of recovery everything else would fall in place. We've both read almost everything on this site.

CRC:<P>Ever hear the phrase "Time heals all wounds?" It's especially true in this case. I know EXACTLY how you feel cuz I've been there. Even a few months after discovery, I thought the pain and anger and hurt would NEVER go away.<P>Now, 8 months after D-Day, both W and I are doing so much better. I still get flashes of anger and thoughts of seeing them together. But, you learn to realize that it's your mind playing tricks on you. The fact is, your W is with YOU now, not him. Whateve she may have done, she's repented and she is trying to make it work. Learn to let go of the anger and hurt. It's so much easier said than done, but if you relax and let the grieving process run it's course, you'll be amazed at how much better you start feeling.<P>Don't rush the grief, but don't let it consume you either. My advice is to talk and talk and talk to your wife. Let her know how you feel and let her cry with you. Then, show love and affection for each other. There's nothing quite as powerful as shared emotion. Some of mine and my wife's most intimate moments are sharing the release of our grief over the death of our marriage as we knew it, while simultaneously celebrating how much BETTER our marriage is becoming.<P>I know it's confusing, but it WILL get easier. Trust me. I've been there.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

Thanks very much. We too believe what is to come is better than what we had. I believe our love for each other is very real. And we do talk and talk and talk much more than ever before. It the most horrible grief I think I could have ever experienced except maybe for that of the loss of a child (which I hope I never experience). We do cry a lot together, but we both think it is worth it. Thanks again.

Welcome to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>You're new here... take the time to get acquainted with ideas being presented here at MB... start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A>.<P>You're in a relatively good state of recovery... compared to most of us... but it doesn't make your pain any less devastating.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I really believe if I could only get a handle on this aspect of recovery...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> Is a very hard one... as are most... but this is what you're struggling with now. All I can say is what I feel... as hard as it may be to <B>forgive</B> your wife... it is something crucial to building/rebuilding your marriage. It doesn't mean you will or have to <B>forget</B> immediately... that as Lone Star said... comes with time... alot of time!<P>I don't know if you have the book or not... but I strongly recommend it... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley... it is the 'bible' of marriage builers (MB)... especially once an affair has started.<P>I'm praying for you and your wife... <BR>I'm praying for your strength to find a forgiving heart for your wife... <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>There is comfort and emcouragement here!<P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

CRC,<BR>I have learned not to focus on those thoughts. I will drive through parts of town where I suspect that my W slept with her lovers and get really ill. I find myself having to pray that I don't become bitter or at least show my disgust when I am in those parts of town with her in the car.<P>Focus on the fact that she is willing to work it all out with you. My W has not come to understand that we should work it out. She is staying with me because she is afraid that she will not get custody of our boys, that she will let God down (I told her that she would be the unbeliever if she left. I feel that if she were truly a believer she would be willing to work it out with me and stop judging me in the way that she is.), and she has no where else to go because she is not financially able to be on her own.<P>FOCUS ON THE FACT THAT SHE IS WORKING ON RECONCILING!!!!<P>MONDO HUG!!<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>