Came home with my kids this weekend to my W on the phone, talking to some friends. They were calling her from dinner, having just finished going as a group to a sports event in town. All was fun, and they were calling to check in and say "hi", and (I presume) that they missed her involvement.<P>Friends were: 3 males (1 single, 1 recently seperated, 1 divorced) and 1 female (divorced). <P>W told me that she had been invited to go. She declined the invitation since she had things previously scheduled -- kids event.<P>At no time did I know about this invitation beforehand, before the phone call. Nor, was I invited. <P>I wasn't jelous about being left out of the invitation. But, my W made it clear that the reason she turned down the events was becasue of my KIDS, not because of ME OR US.<P>Am I being too selfish? Isn't something NOT RIGHT? Am I reading something into our relationship? I thought we were trying to rebuild, and I don't know what message this sends - except pissing me off!<P>It's getting real hard to stay positive, focused, and non-threatening. I'm starting to seriously entertain divorce.<P>HELP!!!!!!<P>--keystone<P>

Keystone,<P>keep your cool.<P>It may not be as bad as you think. As everyone here keeps saying, we have been thru so much, and put up with so much of their cr..p, that sometimes we don't see things for what they really are. Sometimes we do see things that arent there. I'm not being critical of 'us', I guess I myself am trying to keep things in perspective.<BR>Maybe by saying she had things planned with the kids - she was letting her friends know that she had 'family' commitments, and family also includes you.<P>Count to 10, take a deep breath (as lostva keeps telling me!!) and then maybe discuss your feelings with her. Tell her exactly what you told us - that rebuilding means honesty - even about 'little' things like dinner arrangements.<P>Hope you sort it out<P>Jo

Keystone, Hi!<P>Jo has a point. This is a time for POJA if I ever saw one!!<P>Talk with her. That's what rebuilding is all about. I know how much you've already been through, but, if you can hang on and it works, it'll be worth it all, right?<P>Hang in there. Tell her how you feel. Then you go on from there.<P>Good luck.<P>Lori

keystone,<P>Been there. Still there sometimes. <P>I know you would have prefered her to say she couldn't go because she was madly in love with you and couldn't stand to be a part, but be happy she isn't going. Jo's right, the kids and you are family and she basically said she had a family commitment. <P>Talk with her more. Work on your friendship together. Get that divorce thought out of your head. You're doing OK.<P>SHA

How did she make it clear that it was because of the kids?<P>Stress and depression has caused me to take things personally that I shouldn't have.<P>Ask her directly.

She stated it. She said that she told them she couldn't go since she had to be at an all day event of my daughter's.<P>Not much doubt there...<P>-- keystone

Keystone,<BR>At least she stayed for your kids! Mine wouldn't/won't do that. <P>There is still a chance she will eventually stay for you.<P>BEst of Luck and God Bless

Does it strike anybody but me as strange that all these (now) single people want a married woman to join them for an evening out. This is not the first time this kind of thing has happened. They go out (as a group) fro an occansional lunch during the week) Some time ago, they even tried to get her to join them going to Vegas. Not that I have a particular fondness for any of the friends, but I not yet been invited to any of these. <P>A side note: Vegas is where my w went in the spring with the OM! You can guess my reaction to that factoid!<P>I don't know. She keeps telling me that they're "just friends". How can I believe her anymore? I always thought that singles usually tend to hang out with singles, and married couples with married couples. Am I missing something????<P>--keystone <BR><p>[This message has been edited by keystone (edited November 22, 1999).]

Keystone - I think that these so called "friends" may not be taking your wife's personal situation into consideration. Do they know you two are having problems? If they do, and are still inviting her out without inviting you, they are doing nothing but undermining your relationship. I firmly believe that support from friends is an important factor in helping a couple through a rough spot...and friend, it doesn't get any rougher than this. <P>I too let the idea of divorce creep in every once in a while. But then I stop and think what that would truly be like. It wouldn't solve any of the relationship problems...it would just open a whole new can of shi#, especially with kids involved. <P>Hang in there...I know it sucks sometimes, but don't get tired of doing what's right!

MJINGIT --<P>The recently seperated male does. I don't think anything is going on between my W and him, but I know that she has told him that we're having troubles. I think it came out when this man's W told him he wanted a divorce after three years of couseling.<P>Don't think anyone else knows, but hard to tell.<P>--keystone

Sounds like there are some things she's still trying to keep secret. Or maybe in her mind she's compartmentalizing, it's still wrong though.<BR>That sounds troubling that she didn't tell you about the invitation in the first place, and likely wouldn't have if you hadn't walked in on the tail end of that conversation.<P>Or maybe also she'd gotten so used to keeping secrets that she really didn't think to tell you. <BR>Sometimes my H still inadvertantly keeps secrets, but he always answers my questions when I ask them. I gently remind him that I shouldn't have to always be asking him, he should be freely telling me about his day, etc. And to give him credit, he is getting better, but there is still a long way to go, and I doubt we will ever really get to the finish line.<BR>Sometimes I feel like recovering a marriage is like chasing a rainbow, just when you think you're almost there, the rainbow moves. I guess that's to keep you working on it.<BR>Good luck.<BR>Also, demanding honesty in your marriage is definitely not selfish, but there's good honesty and bad honesty, and you have to expect and live with both if things are going to work. That also goes for her. <BR>What you posted here you should also tell her, and in just that way.<BR>My H still goes to the bank where his ex girlfriend works (this was his first true love before we had even met). He said he went to that branch because it was convenient and on his way home from work. I said it made me uncomfortable, and was troubled that he did it anyway. He said he wouldn't go there anymore, but only because it troubled me, not because he thought he was doing anything wrong.<BR>Some people really don't see how sad they can make their spouses without even trying.<BR>Good luck again.

Hey Keystone,<P>I think you're right about singles hanging out with singles and marrieds hanging out with marrieds - generally !!!<BR>However, when married, I still had single friends, and still went out with single friends, but not every week. and that was OK.<BR>I think that what is NOT ok, at this point in time, is that these 'friends' of your W's all seem to be single, and they are not taking into consideration the fact that she is married, and is going through a rough patch at present. Even if they don't know for sure what is going on in her personal life, the feeling that things are not quite right would be there.<BR>I feel that the criticise her friends would be the wrong thing for you to do, however, I feel that you could make it clear to her that when she gets invited out somewhere, common courtesy dictates that you are invited also. After all, how many nights out with friends can she have, where you don't get invited. Too many would start ringing alarm bells for me. Sorry. <BR>I still feel that to tell her how you feel is your best chance, but without criticising her friends.<BR>Maybe you could suggest a bbq at your home, and invite them in. Have them on your turf, so to speak.<BR>It's so cruel what they do to us isn't it.?<BR>My thoughts are with you, and a big hug is heading your way.<BR>Take care of you<P>Jo