Hi everyone,<P>My H wont ans any quesitons at all about the needs that OW fulfills, that I didn't or wansnt meeting.<P>He won't ans. any quesitons about why it was so easy to run off and have an affiar, instead of discussing with me his feelings about our marriage, and trying to work it out. He just says he doesnt know.<P>He is a major conflict avoider - it's like pulling teeth getting him to talk at the best of times about any conflict. His usual response is "well, what do you want me to say?"<P>My question to you all is this - how do you teach someone to communicate, if they won't read literature, wont go to counselling, seemingly dont want to help themselves out of this situation.<P>I'm so afraid he's just going to stay with OW because its EASIER. When, if ever, do they face up to their actions and take responsibility for those actions.<P>Thanks <BR>Jo

Hi, Jo. <P>I must not have had a chance to read everything yet, the last I saw you were still in plan B. <P>He won't talk until he's ready. And he won't ever be unless he wants to be. It stinks.<P>Besides, he may not even know the answers to your questions right now. Remember, the reason that H left me for the adorable PT was because we didn't have cable and it seemed to be my fault!!!! How's that for an honest answer??????????<P>Don't know what to say except hang in there. Not particularly wise and full of advice at the moment. <P>But I wanted you to know I was reading and listening.<P>Lori

You can't "teach" anyone anything until they are willing to learn. He's going to have to find out for himself that what he is doing isn't going to work before he will even think he needs to look at things differently. And as long as things do work out for him, he won't see your point at all.

Bonnet- <BR>He doesn't answer your questions because he can't, he might not even know the answers himself. And your questions only serve to confuse him even more. When he finally believes he's got a grip, out comes a question from left field that if he were to answer truthfully would really/could really scare the heck out of him.<P>Each time we throw a group of quesitons at the betrayers, we are reminding them of their actions, and asking them to justify what they are doing. I know, I do it too. But, until they are ready to explore the reasons for the affair, and the details of the affair, all that our questions do is to love bust (demand, accuse, hurt etc.) which only goes to re-inforce in their mind why we, the S, are so incompatible, and therefore why they left.<P>I can only speak from my experience, and what I did was fixate on getting answers to my questions. H was not really willing to help, and OW threw in a few curve balls. But once I got that out of my system, I could move on. I've reminded him that we will forever be linked or tied because of the child, and as such, he will need to explain this situation and how it came about when he is ready, to both our D and me.<P>Occasionally, like you, I ring. And of course, I don't like what I hear and find out. I know that not ringing, and knowing is best. There are fewer lapses now than before. <P>Wishing you peace, and happiness<P>------------------<BR><B> <I> Black Heart </B> </I>

Hi everyone,<BR>thanks for your responses.<P>lostva - sorry, I didn't make myself clear, as usual. I am doing Plan B, and still feeling just ok about it. I asked these questions when I was still in plan A. He said he wasnt avoiding the issue, he would answer all my questions. I guess I just want to know WHEN. If I can see one huge fault in myself - it is INPATIENCE. This situation is killing me - I want answers and I want them NOW !!! That sounds like a lot of "I want's" doesnt it - makes me sound so selfish and self centered. Unbelievable - he left because of TV... Where the hell do they get off...? I'm hangin'...just hangin'...<BR>thanks for reading and listening<P>nonplused - you're so right also. It just hurts that what OW is doing right, I could do also. At least he knows that I could do it right, surely there must be an element of doubt. He's gone from being with me for 12 years, straight to a relationship with someone that he doesnt really know. Maybe thats the attraction. Maybe I'm boring.<P>Black Heart - thank you, thank you. I'm having trouble staying on this Plan B wagon - you've just helped me stay on it another day. I do know that not ringing, and not knowing is best, I just have to keep reminding myself of that.<P>Thanks so much guys, it'll be another Plan B success day today.<P>Jo

bonnet -<P>People confide in their friends. My wife and I weren't friends anymore and she was the same way and she's not a conflict avoider. <P>My wife didn't know what needs were being meet by OM nor did she even know what her own real needs were. So, I started from scratch and figured them out. Lots of hit and miss. But, over time I found her top ones and concentrated on those. <P>So, work at becoming friends again. Keep in mind, he may not want to say anything in fear of hurting you further. I know you want answers, but give it time.<P>SHA

{{{{{{{{{{Jo}}}}}}}}}}<P>Yes... as Lori reminded you gently... you are in Plan B... Work on making yourself better... Believe in Yourself... remember!<P>It is so hard now... but all you can do is wait for you H to come to his senses... it could be a long... long... wait. <P>Stand firm... we're here....<P>My wife too is still in complete darkness...<BR>God... I hate it... But if I THINK I'll be able to change her... I'll just be banging my head against a wall... and all that will come from that is a very bad headache. <P>You are loved here Jo!... <BR>It probably is small consolation when you want to be loved by your H!<P>Faith! Hope! Love!...<P>Jim

SHA - thanks. I've downloaded the two questionnaires that Dr harley recommends, but I havent filled them out yet. I have the feeling I will do it soon tho. Maybe I do need to focus on his needs a little more. Thanks for that. <P>NSR - you beautiful man. You always manage to make me smile, and feel good about myself. I have realised that I don't want to change him, I have realised beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love the goofball (I think thats the expression you guys say) just the way he is, even if he does drive me crazy sometimes. However, if he ever comes home, there will be a lot of work done on the communication side of things !!! I honestly feel our problem was lack of time together due to his work commitments and having 2 children., and lack of communication. Just those two 'little' things, don't I know how important they are now. We dont fight, we have disagreements sure, but we had a lovely loving relationship for so long. In two measly years (due to a transfer to Sydney) my life went down the toilet. <BR>But, I will overcome. I will see this ride out, will not get off, and hopefully I'll be a better, stronger and wiser person for it. Maybe even nicer !!<P>I also would be banging my head against a wall, to think that I could change him, and seeing as I've had a headache for 5 months now, I simply cant entertain the idea of anymore head pain!!!<P>Take care of you<P>Jo